For Great Sex: Deal with Differences in Desire

My most recent Sex & the Suburbs column for MakeitBetter.net discusses how men and women can deal with the differences in their desire. Men and women get turned on very differently, which can often lead to hurt feelings, misunderstandings and resentments, even though it's no one's fault - it's just biology, damn it!

"When men and women understand how differently they become aroused, they can make changes to accommodate each other so they both enjoy sex more. Here are some empowering strategies to negotiate the differences in desire in your relationship."

Based on an enlightening conversation with sex therapist Emily Harrell, my column provides advice so that both partners can feel fulfilled. The first tip? Stop treating sex as a yes or no proposition. Instead, make time to fool around (cuddle, make out, massage) without a specific goal in mind. It takes the pressure off and opens doors to greater exploration and arousal.When both partners are relaxed and intimate, who knows what might develop?

Image courtesy of
MakeitBetter.net

Read the rest of the tips at over at Make it Better and enjoy!

Suburban Myth? Swingers on the North Shore

image via - makeitbetter.net

Sometimes my work as a columnist for MakeitBetter.net leads me into murky waters, and investigating my latest column about married couples who swing (switch partners) is an example.

In my relatively conservative community, Chicago's North Shore, there have been longstanding rumors about the existence of swinging, but, even though I'd asked around, I couldn't confirm any real evidence of the pursuit.

Then, through a friend, I found a forthcoming source who told me everything I could ever want to know about the swinging lifestyle (and more.) Unlike the boozy, free love key parties of the 70's, todays swinging scene is highly organized - with permanent facilities, websites, rules of etiquette and more.

This is as naughty as my
swinging gets.

To get an in-depth look at the "Lifestyle" read my full column - "Swingers on the North Shore - More Than Myth" - then let me know what you think. I do believe in a couple's right to define their relationship as they wish. But as for me, the only swinging I'll be doing is at a playground or at the Mexican beachfront bar at right.

A chat with a famed Sexpert - Dr. Laura Berman

Dr. Laura Berman
image via MakeitBetter.net

How can women boost their own desire so they feel like having sex more often? Is it okay for your kids to know you and your mate are having some time alone? What's something you can do to make Valentine's Day more sexy?

Famous sex therapist Dr. Laura Berman answers these questions and more  in  my interview for Make it Better.  Here's an excerpt, but follow the link for the full piece, which includes a video of our conversation.

Part of the problem for parents is that it’s hard to escape their kids. Do you think it’s bad for kids to know their parents are having “private time”?
Absolutely not. I think the opposite. You’re the model of what a loving, intimate relationship looks like. Obviously children do not need to know the details of your sex life or see you having sex—that’s why you always put a lock on the door. But for them to know that you guys have special private time—you can even set a timer or say “after this cartoon Mommy and Daddy will be right back” —I think that’s a really important message to give your kids about what to expect in their own loving relationships. 


Full interview at my colomn, Sex & The Suburbs, MakeitBetter.net

How to Have More Fun in Bed

Whee! My latest column for Make it Better is spicy! Follow the link to read 7 Naughty Ways to Have More Fun in Bed  based on advice and tips from women like you and me - including a creative use for the little candy pictured below. 

The "Beadafits" of being a sure thing for your husband

Last week I wrote about the book Forty Beads, the Simple Sexy Secret for Transforming Your Marriage (see my post, Develop a Sex Habit in Your Marriage.) Author Carolyn Evans explains a system where a woman gives her husband 40 beads and agrees to have sex with him within 24 hours, each time he drops a bead in her bedside bowl.

Create your own Forty Beads kit or
order this one at Amazon.com

The arrangement is intended to balance different libido levels in a relationship, but it seems pretty one-sided, right?

I spoke to Carolyn (who is as lovely over the phone as she appears in her video, below) and asked her - so what do we women get out of Forty Beads?

According to Carolyn, here are just some of the "beadafits" she and other women have experienced:

1. A loving, connected relationship with her husband.
2. A husband who is completely tuned into her needs.
3. An appreciation of her own sensuality.
4. The best sex of her life.

"It absolutely changed the way I feel about sex," Carolyn says, "Sex gets better the more you open yourself up to it. Saying yes (vs. no all the time) is an expansive experience."

And, while beading couples do have sex more frequently than they used to, it's not as big of an increase as you might think.  The beads create a feeling of sexual abundance in the relationship - so the guys are relaxed and not always so desperate to secure it.

Y'all, it sounds like it's worth a try to me. I say, bead me up, Scotty!

Develop a Sex Habit in Your Marriage

June is habit month and to develop my writing habit, I've vowed to blog every day except for Sundays. Today the pressure is getting to me. It's almost 5 o'clock and it's Saturday night and my husband is taking me out for dinner. I've got 45 minutes to come up with something good and I don't have a damn thing to say about habits.

Or do I?

I write the Sex & the Suburbs column for Make it Better Magazine and in preparation for an article,  I'm reading a fascinating book called "Forty Beads - The Simple Sexy Secret for Transforming Your Marriage." I'm excited to interview author Carolyn Evans. Her book is creating quite a buzz and she just appeared on the Today Show yesterday to discuss it.

The book describes a system that Carolyn improvised as a gift for her husband's 40th birthday. They'd been going through a bit of a rough patch in their marriage - busy with other things, disconnected from one another, she was getting bitchy, he was feeling resentful. (Honestly, what married couple hasn't gone through a time like this?)

Carolyn wanted to turn things around by giving her husband a birthday present that would make him really, really happy. She figured that the thing guys want more than anything is sex. But not just one mind-blowing night of sex. Men want an abundance of sex and, even more, they want to know that sex is coming their way in the future.

So, Carolyn gave her man a bag of 40 glass beads to be used like this:

1. When hubby wants sex, he places a bead in a bowl on her bedside table.
2. Wife redeems bead by having sex with hubby within 24 hour period.
3. Couple repeats until all beads have been presented.

That's it. Apparently this gift has made her husband deliriously happy and revitalized their marriage.  Carolyn has reaped all sorts of unexpected and delightful benefits herself and other women "beaders" who followed in her footsteps have been similarly delighted. It's not just the regular sex that has worked this magic - it's the anticipation, appreciation, and mutual agreement that accompanies it.

Wow. I haven't finished the book yet, but I'm already formulating my interview questions. It sounds so one-sided and transactional, and it must be anti-feminist, right?

But if it really works, well, hmmm.

I can't completely give away my article for Make it Better, but I'll give you a preview of my conversation with Carolyn after we talk next week. You can learn more for yourself at www.fortybeads.com.

And now, I'm off to enjoy my Saturday night!

Maria Shriver Struggles with Midlife Transitions

I was saddened to hear that Maria Shriver and husband Arnold Shwarzenegger are separating. I've always loved Maria since her days hosting the CBS Morning News in the 80's, and her marriage to the muscle bound action star turned Governor seemed to work in a weird, mismatched way.

The journalist, author and mother of four, now 55, has faced many changes at midlife. She lost her father earlier this year and ended her stint as California's first lady. In this video from her website, mariashriver.com, which was posted a few months ago, she expresses uncertainty about the future and the pain of making transitions.

I like her more than ever and wish her well, wherever her transition takes her.

Is this fair? Ads for female equivalent of Viagra can't run on TV

This weekend when my husband and I were in Napa, I came across an article in the San Francisco Chronicle describing a sexual double standard that made me mad.

According to the Chronicle, two women have developed a botanical topical oil called Zestra, designed to help women "heighten their sexual intimacy." Semprae Labs co-founders Rachel Braun Scherl, 45, and  Mary Jaensch, 58 - both married mothers - developed the product in response to research that tens of millions of American women have sexual difficulty and no way to treat it.

Zestra is an all natural product targeted to women who just aren't feeling it like they used to. One Zestra ad (see below) says the oil will "help you feel the way you used to when sexual arousal just happened naturally - without doing anything, without thinking about it, without trying not to think about anything else."

Um, I'm not admitting to anything here, but does that include not thinking about picking up the dry cleaning or worrying that my kid needs a ride home from the mall? Tell me more.

Unfortunately, most women have never heard of Zestra's benefits, because many network and cable TV stations won't run the ads.

We're no stranger to products to help men's problems in the bedroom. Ads for Viagra, Cialis, and Levitra are everywhere. The ads clearly communicate that men deserve lifelong sexual gratification and the complications that come with age require medical treatment. The commercials, with images of couples dancing romantically or sharing hilltop baths, also imply that a man's ability to sustain erection will not only bring great satisfaction to him, but to his appreciative partner as well.

But when it comes to promoting a product designed to help a woman achieve more pleasure, the TV stations refused. From the Chronicle article:

Laura Grindstaff, an associate professor of sociology at UC Davis, said many cultures are uncomfortable with the idea of female sexuality outside reproduction and motherhood.

"When you see naked women bounding around in any music video or open a magazine and see ads for cars or cosmetics, half-naked women are everywhere," Grindstaff said. "That is not women's sexuality. What you see is completely bound up and constructed by male ideas of what women's sexuality ought to be. An ad like Zestra's, with no men in it, about women's pleasure for the sake of pleasure, is threatening."

Maybe that's what the stupid TV execs think, but when I researched my article "What Men Really Want," I learned that most men would love for their women partners to feel sexier and more aroused. So maybe banning Zestra ads from television is unfair to both men and women.

If you're interested in what the flap is all about, check out this Zestra commercial.

Intriguing, no? The product is available online at zestra.com or at places like Wal-Mart and K-Mart. I haven't tried it (yet), so I'm not endorsing it. I just think women and men should have equal opportunity when it comes to good sex.

Sex & the Suburbs on the Radio

I had the chance to appear on Wayne Messmer's Homelife Radio show on AM560 WIND this morning. We talked about what men really want, how to spice up your marriage and the pros and cons of online dating - all topics I've covered in my "Sex & the Suburbs" column for Make it Better Magazine.

 To listen to the fun 10-minute discussion, press the play arrow, below.

Late Life Lesbians. Let's Discuss.

It has been a hot topic all over the airwaves lately - on Oprah, the Today Show, and The View. Women who had traditional marriages and families are leaving their husbands for other women.  

Cynthia Nixon and Christine Marinoni

Okay, I admit it, this is a trend I'm curious about. I'm married, I'm a mom, I've always been attracted to men and I'm hot for my husband. Is there something about middle age that's going to make me start playing for the other team?


Sex and the City actress Cynthia Nixon spent 15 years with the father of her two children before falling in love with education activist Christine Marinoni in her late thirties. Had Nixon always been a lesbian? She says no.

"It wasn't something in me that was waiting to come out. It was like, this person is undeniable. How can I let this person walk by?"

Meredith Baxter, who played the liberal mom from the hit 80's TV show "Family Ties," was married three times and had five children. It wasn't until she was in her mid-fifties that she realized that she preferred being with women. She spoke with Matt Lauer about the experience on the Today Show.

"I am a lesbian, and it was a later-in-life recognition," Baxter said. " I got involved with someone I never expected to get involved with, and it was that kind of awakening.  I never fought it because it was like, oh, I understand why I had the issues I had early in life. I had a great deal of difficulty connecting with men in relationships.”

While Elisabeth Hasselbeck of The View thinks women turn to other women in middle age because "all the older men are going for younger women, leaving the older women with no one" (click here to see her make her case to astonished co-host Joy Behar) I highly doubt desperation for companionship is the motive.

According to Shayna Goldstein, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, who specializes in LGBT issues at the Family Institute of Northwestern University,  women who leave their marriages for other women tend to follow two paths. The first group of women, like Cynthia Nixon, feel they happened to fall in love with a person who happens to be female. Their romantic feelings are specific to an individual and they don't necessarily identify themselves as lesbian.

The second group of women have known they were attracted to other women for a long time, but never gave themselves permission to act on those feelings. It isn't until later in life - when they'd developed more self-awareness and confidence - that they were able to admit and act upon their true desires.

When writing about this topic for an upcoming issue of Make it Better Magazine, I interviewed Maureen Watson, a dynamic gallery owner and former business executive who lives with her female partner of eight years in Florida. Maureen, 62, has been married twice - spending a total of 25 years with her two husbands. When she was younger, she liked men and had satisfying physical relationships with them, but in between marriages, she also had "flings" with women.

"When I wasn't with a man, I was with a woman," she told me.

But Maureen was brought up in a strict Catholic household and in her community it was inconceivable that a woman be with another woman. So, despite having had female encounters, it wasn't until she was 48 and divorced for the second time that Maureen allowed herself to fall in love and have a real, committed relationship with a woman. She she decided to tell the people close to her about her relationship.

"I realized, I'm older now, so who the hell cares what people say? And society had become more accepting," she said. Her conservative parents certainly had.

"My mother simply said, 'that's nice dear, you always did think differently, now what should we have for lunch?'"

Since then, Maureen has only been with women and has no intention of dating men - "Relationships with women are just much more interesting!" - but coming out as a lesbian has been a gradual process that even talking to me for this interview is a part of.

"It's an evolution of finding out who you are," she said. She thinks sexuality falls along a bell curve. "Some of us are probably born gay and some of us are born hetero, but the rest of us fall someplace in between. It's hard to label yourself."

Labels about women's sexual orientation may becoming a thing of the past anyway. There's a new concept emerging called "sexual fluidity." In her book, Sexual Fluidity: Understanding Women's Love and Desire, psychologist Lisa Diamond presents a study of women who have had relationships with both men and women over time, but don't fit into any fixed definition of gay, straight, or bi-sexual.

Would love to hear your thoughts on this one, girls!

Do we need to appreciate our men more?

I've been researching what men really want from their wives and partners. Surprisingly, the thing the guys seem to desire most is to be appreciated.

The breaking news of Oscar-winning actresses Sandra Bullock and Kate Winslet's marital problems made me wonder if their husbands felt the same way. I posed this question on my other site, True/Slant, and stirred up quite a spirited conversation. Check it out by clicking here.

I'll be writing more about this topic in future posts, so stay tuned!

Sam Part 2 - Becoming a better man

Back at the Happ Inn, I continued my conversation with Sam, a divorced North Shore contractor who had numerous affairs when he was married.

"My best buddies are married and they're all cheating," said Sam. " They come home from work after a tough day and all they get from their wives is nagging. So they go out to get some attention and have someone treat them nice. Look."

He gestured to a couple of his apparently married pals who, sure enough, were flirting and laughing with a group of vivacious women who were a lot younger and cuter than those wormy cheaters deserved.

Bunny came over to join us and Sam put his arm around her seductively.

"Hey. Remember when we made out in the bathroom that time?" he asked. "You were hot."

Bunny nodded. "I'd just broken up with my boyfriend and I was a mess. First I made out with Sam in the bathroom, then I made out with Regina at the table. Then I threw up."

Sam grinned. "Bunny is a very attractive woman," he told me, then turned back to her. "You should go on a date with me. You'd probably like me."

Bunny shrugged. "I probably wouldn't. But I'll go on a date with you." She flitted off again.

This bar talk was all very flip but I knew there had to be more.

"Do you think you'll ever fall in love?" I asked Sam.

"Yes, and I'll tell you how." His said earnestly. "I have a lot of woman friends and I'm trying to learn from them how to become a perfect guy."

Wow, that was pretty ambitious. How was he doing that?

"I go shoe shopping with them and stuff, hang out. I listen to them talk, hear what they want from guys. I fucked up all my past relationships because I was so naive. I didn't get the picture. Women need to be stroked. I get the picture now. "

Sam seemed genuinely baffled by women and sincere in his efforts to figure them out. My heart melted a degree or two.

"My friend Denise says I'm a great guy," he said, shaking his head. "I just need to find the right woman."

It was sort of pathetic, but it was also kind of sweet. At least the guy was trying - unlike his ringless friends over in the corner. I waved goodbye to Gracie, Bunnny and Warren.

It was time for this married chick to head home.

'Sam' confirms our worst fears about men

I've got some catching up to do. Before the holidays I arranged for my divorced pals, Warren and Bunny (one of the Posse chicks), to meet. Fellow Posse member Regina met Warren a while back, but I was especially curious to see how Warren and Bunny would get along because they are both very funny and - as you know from my prior posts - quite naughty. So, on the Thursday before Christmas we all met at The Happ Inn in Northfield. Even though it was early, the bar was packed.

Bunny was cute and frisky in jeans with a flowered knit cap pulled over her long blonde hair. Warren looked dapper in a cashmere jacket and funky specs. And as a bonus Gracie showed up too! Ooh, this would be great material. I pulled out my Sharpie no-bleed pen and notebook, and prepared to take some juicy notes.

But it wasn't so easy. The bar was really loud and even though Bunny and Warren seemed to hit it off, I couldn't hear a word of what they were saying. Plus, Bunny kept skipping off to corners of the room to greet all the people she knew. Gracie was deep in conversation with some guy, and I myself was attracting a lot of interest from men at the bar.

"What are you writing about?" they asked. "Are you a reporter? Where can I read your work?"

Bunny bounced over with a tall, good-looking dude in tow.

"Do you know who this is?" she squealed. "It's Man-Who-Needs-Haircut!"

The Posse chicks assign tribal names to guys they see regularly out on the town. Man-Who-Needs-Haircut looked just like Sam, the bartender played by Ted Danson on Cheers - lanky, athletic, with a good (but disheveled) head of hair. He looked to be in his early 50s.

"Sam" was a few drinks ahead of me and feeling talkative. "You should interview me," he said. "I'll tell you anything. What do you wanna know?"

I looked longingly over to Warren and Bunny who were cracking up and acting all flirty. I knew I was missing out on something good. But it was loud and crowded and I was lucky to have a stool. I turned to Sam.

"Okay, tell me why you got divorced."

"My wife never wanted to have sex, so I left," said Sam. Uh-oh.

"You mean she never wanted to have sex," I asked, "or just not all that often?"

"She said I was lucky to be getting it once a week - I told her I needed more sex than that. I said, look if you don't satisfy me, I'm going to go out and get it." He took a swig of his drink. "She told me good luck. So I did."

Then Sam explained that even though his relationship with his wife basically ended then, they stayed married for years until their kids left for college three years ago. During that time, he played around. Frequently. And close to home.

"I provided the women in the neighborhood with a service," he told me. "They weren't getting enough, I wasn't getting enough. Everybody's needs were satisfied. I saved a lot of marriages."

I gulped. "You're like a woman's worst nightmare!" I said. "You're confirming all our fears about men."

"You should fear. You should fear for your lives," said Sam. "I've got married friends and when we go out together, they take off their rings. They're just like Tiger. He's a regular guy -and regular guys cheat."

On that ominous note, I'll put my conversation with Sam on pause. But there's more, oh yes, there's more. Check back in a few days and I'll give you the surprising wrap up!

Until then, cheers.

Marriage Rx - Hotel Sex

If you've been married to your partner for 10 years or more and have children, I'm fairly certain you have two problems with your sex life: 1) no privacy and 2) no variety. Today I'm putting on my love doctor lab coat and giving you an important prescription.

Book yourself a hotel room.

First of all, you need to get away from your kids. Parents of younger children might snatch a few minutes of alone time after the kids are in bed, but it's still hard to relax. Nothing quashes desire like the pitter pat of little feet outside your locked bedroom door or a cry for a glass of water during a crucial moment of of an intimate act.

And once your kids are older, forget about it. Teenagers are like vampires; it's impossible to outlast them at night. You try to retreat to the master suite on a pretense - "Dad and I are watching the History Channel!"- but they sense what you're up to. Teens who haven't willingly uttered two words to you in days will be banging on the door with a lame question, forcing you to scramble for your panties. It's not hot.

When you finally manage to find uninterrupted time in the bedroom, let's face it - it's routine. Same bed, same view, same lighting. Remember when you were younger, all the exciting places you and your spouse did it? Beaches, golf courses, elevators? (Well, I never did it in an elevator, but I have friends.) It was fun! Sometimes I think my bedroom is the least sexy place in the entire world. It makes me sleepy.

But there is a solution, and it's only a click away. Book yourself into a hotel.

"But I can't!" I hear you protest. "It's too expensive, and who will watch my kids overnight?"

Silly. You can get a lovely hotel room for the price of a decent restaurant meal. And, duh, you aren't going to sleep there. A couple hours will do just fine.

For example, this Saturday night you can stay at the W Hotel City Center in Chicago (room pictured above) for a very reasonable $109. It's a short walk from the train station - you can be down and back (no pun intended) on the Metra and home before 11:00 p.m. Pack a duffle bag with a bottle of champagne, a hunk of cheese, strawberries, chocolate, some sexy lingerie and a tube of this stuff. I promise, it will be the best date night you've had in a while.

As my friend Ginny says, "If I were in a hotel I'd have sex every night!"

Me on Marriage

Sometimes I can't believe I've been married for 18 years - and all of them to the same guy, even.

A long-lasting marriage isn't something I grew up taking for granted. My parents divorced when I was eight and my brother was six. Other than my grandparents, there weren't any models of enduring unions in my family. My father is an only child and my mother's two sisters went through divorces too.

We lived with my mother, but my dad lived nearby and we saw him often. From my perspective, my parents got along fine. To be honest, I didn't think divorce was such a terrible thing. It - along with step-parents, step-siblings, and split holidays - was just the way it was.

Both my parents remarried and have been with their current partners for over 30 years. But when I was a kid, even when I was in college, those relationships were still pretty new. I'd seen my mom get dressed up for dinner dates and played Monopoly with my dad's pretty girlfriends, but I had no idea what an 18-year marriage looked like. Now I'm in one.

I've ended up in a surprisingly stable state and it's uncharted territory. I love my Liam, and I'm really happy we're married. But our relationship has definitely evolved over the years. We're parents now, we've settled down, we've grown up. We've got goals and plans and dreams and some of them have nothing to do with each other. We have fun, we have history, we have slumps. Is this the way things are supposed to be?

I have no friggin' clue.

That's why, among other subjects, I'll continue to explore the ups and downs of marriage and divorce here on Forty Fabulous. Whether it's someone famous like Tiger Woods or my own beloved Posse chicks, their unique stories help me understand my relationship. Whatever your marital status - happily married, divorced or somewhere in between - I hope they shed a little light on yours, too!

I don't endorse this site for married cheaters

At a dinner party last week, I met a lawyer who told me about a dating site for married people called Ashleymadison.com. A woman had come to his office seeking to sue the founder of the site.

"He stole my idea," she claimed. "I was going to start a service for people who wanted to have affairs."

My new lawyer friend wouldn't take her case. In his legal opinion, people having affairs is an age-old pursuit that can't be copyrighted.

Noel Biderman, the founder and CEO of Ashley Madison, agrees that cheating is a fact of life and defends his site by saying it doesn't create promiscuous behavior, just helps keep it honest.

"Some people say it promotes promiscuity," he said. "But if you don't do it, you get behavior that's way more harmful to society. Infidelity has been around a lot longer than Ashley Madison."

He believes that hearing about the service in a commercial is not going to persuade anyone to have an affair. "It's a decision they've come to already. All I'm saying is, don't do it in the workplace where it could result in someone losing their job, don't go to a singles dating service and lie about your status, don't hire a prostitute. Given that affairs are going to happen no matter what, maybe we should see Ashley Madison as a safe alternative." Jan 10, 09 LA Times

The company is having a little difficulty in the marketing department. Their slogan, "Life is short, have an affair" is obviously incendiary, and their TV ads, which depict racy trysts or unbearable marriages, have been banned by many stations. Still, the website boasts 3.5 million subscribers, so there's obviously consumer demand out there.

and....

I'm not in favor of extramarital affairs of any kind, but I find this approach especially yucky. It's so premeditated. Maybe I'm naive, but I like to think that people who have affairs do so because they slip up, or they're irresistibly drawn to a specific person - not that they've rationally decided the time has come to systematically sleep around.

But what do you think? Are there some marriages that are just so awful that cheating is justified?

When marriage holds you back - is it okay to move on?

I've been taking a little break from the Posse chicks and divorced dudes to sit back and reflect on the meaning of marriage.

"Aww," I can almost hear you groan. "We just want the sex! Give us more dirt!"

Calm down already, juicy stuff is on the way. In the meantime, I'd like to present one enlightened chick, Annie Burnside, and her rather radical views on marriage. Annie is an educator and a soul nurturer, and if you don't know what that is, check out her inspiring website.

When working with a client, Annie's goal is "to reconnect you more deeply to the voice of your own soul so that clarity and direction may be attained." She has worked with many divorced and separated women and doesn't see a marriage ending as a failure.

"Not everyone is necessarily meant to be with the same person for 60 years," she told me over coffee last week, looking drop-dead gorgeous and pulsating with positive energy. "Marriage is a societal institution that sometimes holds people back from making their true choices."

Living authentically is what Annie is all about, and it's what she teaches others to do by listening to their vibes and uncovering their deepest desires. Ideally, two people can continue to grow and develop in a marriage, but it may not always be possible.

"It's difficult for two people to grow at the same rate," said Annie. "Sometimes the soul growth in that particular relationship is complete."

It takes courage to recognize that a relationship has stopped working and ending a marriage can be devastatingly painful. But according to Annie, sometimes the transformation of the relationship brings on tremendous growth and opportunity.

Living according to your deep inner truths isn't selfish, she says. When you operate from your core, (instead of trying to please everyone else and feeling resentful about it) you have much more to give.

"When you come from that authentic space, what you offer others is of a much higher quality," she said.

Look, Annie isn't encouraging people to ditch their spouse; she's a happily married woman and hopes to stay that way. It's just that she is a passionate advocate of nurturing the soul - for both parties. And after many attempts to save the marriage have failed, if a person can no longer find the truth, joy, and appreciation in the relationship and needs to move on - she's okay with it.

"Living a live of quiet desperation is ultimately detrimental to all involved."

Getting your needs met - while staying married!

I've been talking with a lot of divorced people lately for my series on Divorce and Dating. Hearing what they were missing in their marriages makes me wonder - can husbands and wives really meet each others' needs all the time? Are they even supposed to?

In this short video, I discuss this topic with Carol Moss, a licensed clinical social worker and life coach. She provides a unique approach for making sure your needs are met in your marriage.

If you want to stay happily married - watch it!

Dancing with the divorcees. Oh the 'Posse'-bilities!

The Posse hit Vibe in Highland Park on Friday night and I went with them. The big draw was Famos! (right) the effervescent emcee from Bizar Entertainment. Famos! developed a big following among the single set when he used to be the regular DJ at Miramar a few years ago, back when it was considered the Studio 54 of the North Shore.

When I arrived at Vibe around 8:30 p.m., the place was just beginning to fill up. Bunny, Regina, and Grace had nabbed a comfy couch and chairs right next to the dance floor in front of one of Famos!'s huge, pounding speakers. This was obviously not going to be a night for deep conversation.

"Let's dance!" screamed Regina, and began clapping and gyrating to the music, her wild curly hair streaming.

"She's like Shakira," I said, impressed. No one heard me over the pulsating beat.

Bunny and Grace jumped up to join Regina, the three of them forming an exuberant, sensual troika on an otherwise empty dance floor. The rest of Vibe's patrons and I watched from the sidelines. If I was going to be any match these chicks' crazy-dance-partying 'tude, I needed alcohol. I gulped my chardonnay and checked out the scene.

It was still early and the pickings were slim. Definitely way more women than men, and the few unattached guys weren't attractive. Bunny spun by, pointing at a big reddish-bearded dude at the bar.

"Look at that guy!" she shouted. "He looks like Man-from-Pulp-Fiction! Man-from-Mask!" I was confused; John Travolta wasn't in Mask. Oh, I realized. She meant actor Eric Stoltz.

During a break in the action, Regina got inspired. She was going to become a professional dancer for Bizar! "You know, a middle-age dancer, to get all the old guys going at weddings and bar mitzvahs!"

Soon she had secured a Bizar t-shirt from Famos! and a pair of scissors from the bartender. In minutes, Regina created a sexy, middle-age dancing girl top, which she threw on. Prancing over to Man-Who-Looks-Like-Eric-Stolz and his friends, she beckoned them out on the floor. They just shook their heads.

"I got rejected by three ugly guys!" she squealed, not one bit put out.

The room began to fill up and, loose from my guzzled drink, I jumped up to shake it to Beyonce's All the Single Ladies.

"Hey!" I yelled in Grace's ear. "There's a really hot guy standing by the bar!"

Grace (looking kind of Flash Dance in her one-shouldered top) checked him out, nodded and shrugged. "If you think a guy is cute and he's gonna come up and talk to you, you're wrong. They never make the first move. Never."

For a minute I was really offended that the hot guy would never, ever make a move on me. Then I remembered I was married. It was getting confusing out there.

Regaining my journalistic objectivity, I realized it would take one very secure dude to approach the Posse while they were getting their dance on. The women seemed so happy, so complete, so engaged - all on their own. Only the most confident, cocky hombre would dare break into this group.

Later, I told Bunny I thought the Posse might be intimidating to guys.

"Really?" she said, surprised. "Well, we must not care that much about them then."

To read more of my series on divorce & dating, page down through my blog.

Next time: If you don't properly appreciate the Posse, you must be gay.

Warren explains the primal urges of the human male

Warren, the man who loves women, adores women of all ages but understands why men want to date the young ones. It's survival of the fittest.

"In nature, the young bull elk challenges the old bull. Young bull forces old bull out," he explained. "Older men want to feel relevant, not like the old bull. By attracting the younger animals (women), we're powerful, in charge. Younger women make their guy feel like the young bull."

And it doesn't hurt that compared to the old cows (sorry, that's the term for female elk) younger women are hotter, less bitter, and baggage-free.

Oh, come on, I said. Surely men are more evolved than that?

Warren shook his head. "We're so fragile - a guy's ego when he gets older is like a piece of glass, which is painful, because we don't want to appear weak. Men feel sad and vulnerable and neglected too, but we'll never tell you. We keep up a facade of strength."

The other thing that keeps that old bull feeling at bay is sex. No surprise, but men want lots of sex and physical contact. When Warren is with a woman, he likes to touch her shoulder, and (here it is again) grab her ass. With that contact, he's telling her "I'm admiring you, I'm glad we're in the same room together."

"Yes, I want the jungle sex, the throw down," said Warren, but he craves the intimacy too. The combination "is like food to me."

It's the age-old quandary. Men need sex to feel intimate, women need intimacy to feel like having sex. Or, as Warren quoted, "Women need a reason. Men just need a room."

Warren is so successful with women because he's very willing to put in the work. But he expects the woman to reciprocate, and tell him honestly if there is something he should or shouldn't do.

"It's unfair to expect the other person to automatically know what you're thinking. You have to tell me, be honest." This seems to be a consistent plea from men to women.

Getting back to the old bull elk theory. Now that Warren is 50, he finds younger women less worth the time investment. "I want good company," he said. "I want a woman who is cool to hang out with - funny and smart and confident. Younger women don't have the life experience. Now I think, what are we going to do after we fuck? I'm 50, I don't have time to educate you."

It's good to know we old cows have got something going for us after all.

For more on my series on divorce and dating, scroll down through my blog.

And coming up next: I went out dancing with the Posse on Friday night! Check back for the latest scoop on Bunny, Regina & Grace.