Monday, January 4, 2010

'Sam' confirms our worst fears about men

I've got some catching up to do. Before the holidays I arranged for my divorced pals, Warren and Bunny (one of the Posse chicks), to meet. Fellow Posse member Regina met Warren a while back, but I was especially curious to see how Warren and Bunny would get along because they are both very funny and - as you know from my prior posts - quite naughty. So, on the Thursday before Christmas we all met at The Happ Inn in Northfield. Even though it was early, the bar was packed.

Bunny was cute and frisky in jeans with a flowered knit cap pulled over her long blonde hair. Warren looked dapper in a cashmere jacket and funky specs. And as a bonus Gracie showed up too! Ooh, this would be great material. I pulled out my Sharpie no-bleed pen and notebook, and prepared to take some juicy notes.

But it wasn't so easy. The bar was really loud and even though Bunny and Warren seemed to hit it off, I couldn't hear a word of what they were saying. Plus, Bunny kept skipping off to corners of the room to greet all the people she knew. Gracie was deep in conversation with some guy, and I myself was attracting a lot of interest from men at the bar.

"What are you writing about?" they asked. "Are you a reporter? Where can I read your work?"

Bunny bounced over with a tall, good-looking dude in tow.

"Do you know who this is?" she squealed. "It's Man-Who-Needs-Haircut!"

The Posse chicks assign tribal names to guys they see regularly out on the town. Man-Who-Needs-Haircut looked just like Sam, the bartender played by Ted Danson on Cheers - lanky, athletic, with a good (but disheveled) head of hair. He looked to be in his early 50s.

"Sam" was a few drinks ahead of me and feeling talkative. "You should interview me," he said. "I'll tell you anything. What do you wanna know?"

I looked longingly over to Warren and Bunny who were cracking up and acting all flirty. I knew I was missing out on something good. But it was loud and crowded and I was lucky to have a stool. I turned to Sam.

"Okay, tell me why you got divorced."

"My wife never wanted to have sex, so I left," said Sam. Uh-oh.

"You mean she never wanted to have sex," I asked, "or just not all that often?"

"She said I was lucky to be getting it once a week - I told her I needed more sex than that. I said, look if you don't satisfy me, I'm going to go out and get it." He took a swig of his drink. "She told me good luck. So I did."

Then Sam explained that even though his relationship with his wife basically ended then, they stayed married for years until their kids left for college three years ago. During that time, he played around. Frequently. And close to home.

"I provided the women in the neighborhood with a service," he told me. "They weren't getting enough, I wasn't getting enough. Everybody's needs were satisfied. I saved a lot of marriages."

I gulped. "You're like a woman's worst nightmare!" I said. "You're confirming all our fears about men."

"You should fear. You should fear for your lives," said Sam. "I've got married friends and when we go out together, they take off their rings. They're just like Tiger. He's a regular guy -and regular guys cheat."

On that ominous note, I'll put my conversation with Sam on pause. But there's more, oh yes, there's more. Check back in a few days and I'll give you the surprising wrap up!

Until then, cheers.


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arnold layne said...

This makes me recall the handful of recently divorced women I've heard and overheard talking at cocktail parties about how often and how recently they've had the best sex of their lives. "I got laid just before coming here tonight." "Three hours ago, I had the best orgasm I've had in years." Etc.

Women are very quick to blame the philandering on the guy. I'm not making excuses for Sam and much of what Sam says is wrong and over-generalized, but...there are two sides to these stories. There was probably a better, classier way for Sam to free himself of his sex-less relationship.

I'm sure there is much tsk-tsking at Sam's boorish behavior by the women readers of this blog, but what of the neighborhood gals who were partaking of Sam's "service"? Perhaps we should all be less quick to judge what happens within the marriages of others.

I always wonder if the women I've heard chatting were married to "Sam". Did they cut him off or became bored with him only to discover him finding elsewhere what he needed/wanted from her? She, in an effort to show the divorce "wasn't my fault" and "I'm as randy as the next gal", re-engages after being "wronged".

In all cases, these are sad stories, leaving me appreciating even more the relationship I have with my wife.

Marjie Killeen said...


Thanks for your thoughtful comments. Your point is well taken - it takes two to tango. And some of my earlier stories show that women can be as raunchy and promiscuous as men. (Which I'm actually kind of happy about.)

I do think when emotional intimacy is missing in a relationship, women are less likely than men to want sex. This may be seen as "cutting their husbands off" but the their lack of desire isn't the cause of the problems, it's a symptom of what's already gone wrong.

The more I talk to people the more I'm amazed by how complicated relationships are. Those of us who are happily married are lucky indeed!

In the next month or so, I'm going to interview people in long term relationships to discover their secrets to romantic success.

Would you like to volunteer one of my first subjects?


rn terri said...

Great interveiw, Marjie! I agree with you that the "cutting off" is a symptom of a lack of intimacy. Please keep more of these coming. I would love to hear some secrets to those happily married long term.

arnold layne said...

relationships are complicated and very individual amongst the parties, and not something that I think lends itself to "how to" analysis, your thouhtful work and millions of books and magazine articles notwithstanding. It's tough to think about how to do anything but offer general bromides (e.g., listen, find the right partner).

There was a comment that I read today related to the new book on the 2008 presidential campaign ("Game Change" that I know applies to my wife and I. The quote appeared in today's NYTimes: "'Obama adored his wife...and didn’t even bother to pretend that he enjoyed anyone else’s company remotely as much as he relished being with her and their daughters."

Perfect. Couldn't have said it better myself.

She's the most interesting person (and the prettiest) at every event I've attended for 25 years. She has her things and I have mine, but when we go out with friends, I refuse to go along with the "boys sit here, girls sit there" crap. We sit at the same table, generally near enough to be in conversations together, principally because (in the days when I was working), we didn't spend as much time together as we likes and I would be darned if on our night out we got separated by people not interested in talking to their spouses.

I know how to reach you. We can talk about talking more.