Crazy in Your 40s? Honey, you're as normal as Pie

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The best-selling book, Yes, Your Teen is Crazy, explains that during adolescence, teenagers go through a volatile, hormone-driven period of bona fide mental instability. And you know what? Women in their forties do too.

During the years before menopause, estrogen levels can fluctuate wildly, resulting in mood swings, insomnia, forgetfulness, hot flashes, weight gain, and general freaking out. And even though the changes are perfectly normal, it's no fun feeling like you're going nuts.

You need to know about this phase, my Forty Fabulous friends, because it may affect you much sooner than you think. Thanks to more stressful lifestyles, symptoms are hitting women earlier than they did in our mothers' day.

"It used to be that a reliable guide to when you might expect menopause is when your mother experienced it. But the mothers of today's groundbreaking women knew nothing like the level of workplace stress and environmental toxins we live with today." Gail Sheehy, The Silent Passage.

In fact, many women start experiencing these symptoms in their early forties - even while they continue to have regular periods. I'm well down the path. In the last year I've had times of feeling weirdly at odds with my body. It's unpredictably hot, or bitchy, or tired, or horny, or bloated, or pumped up. I feel like I'm in hurricane season; constantly waiting for a storm to hit.

For women who don't know what to expect, it can be not only confusing, it can be depressing. In fact, Sheehy found in her extensive research, that on average, women reported the poorest sense of well-being at age 47 (exactly my age when I started talking about this midlife crisis.) The hormonal stuff is disconcerting enough, but when combined with the big changes that come at this time of life - kids leaving home, parents becoming more dependent, marriages being renegotiated - it's no wonder that women in their late forties feel stressed out.

The good news is that that the downer is only temporary. Sheehy found that women rebound in their fifties, and have the highest sense of well being compared to any other stage of their lives at age fifty-three!

"A profound change in self-concept begins to register with rising exhilaration for many women as they move into their fifties," Sheehy writes. "They often break the seal on repressed angers. They overcome the habits of trying to be perfect and of needing to make everyone love them." 

Yippie! Look, I have no desire to become the menopause poster child, but I do think this topic is unnecessarily taboo. No one wants to admit to experiencing these changes; just mention the word and watch your girlfriends shudder in revulsion. I think we're afraid that  going through menopause means crossing over to irrelevancy and cronedom.

How comforting to know that our happiest, most exhilarating years are still ahead!

Better Than Ever - Bruce!

In my last post, I promised to talk about recreational activities that have become more fun in my forties, but I am too distracted by last night's Super Bowl. I don't want to let anyone down, so quickly, here are pursuits that are more entertaining than ever:  Sports, Music and Sex. And while each of those topics is worthy of discussion, here's what I really want to talk about.

Did you see Bruce Springsteen perform at the Super Bowl Halftime show? Wasn't he amazing? The guy is 59 years old and is in incredible shape, not to mention that he and the E Street Band rocked. And that foxy, red-haired guitarist backing him up? That's Patti Scialfa, his 55 year-old wife and mother of his three kids. Springsteen is one of the few rockers I know who left his first wife (Julianne Phillips, now 48) for an older woman.

When Bruce looked right into the camera and told America to back away from the guacamole dip and turn the television volume way up, I did just that. And for 14 minutes there was no denying that The Boss is better than ever. That performance left me feeling pretty good too - cos baby I was born to run.

Hanging Up the Lampshade

I've realized that some social activities just aren't as much fun as they used to be. Here are formerly favorite pastimes that have faded or fizzled in my forties.

Gossip

A juicy gossip session with my girlfriends used to be the highest form of entertainment. I'd get a vicious thrill digging into acquaintances' messy romances, wanton sex lives, and career blunders. I still like to dish a bit, but now I'm more likely to sympathize with other's mishaps than delight in them. It's not only that I'm a softie. It's just that I've learned that whatever goes around tends to come around, and I'd rather people take it easy on me when I'm the one in the hot seat.

Partying

In my twenties, a good Saturday night lasted so late it meant stepping over the Sunday Tribune on the way in the door.  No matter how many  games of quarter bounce I lost or tequila shots I threw back, as long as I slept in until noon I felt perfectly fine. These days, two martinis put me under the table and if I'm not in bed by midnight I'm wrecked 'til Tuesday. It's not fair really, I enjoyed those years as a party girl. But my body has told me it's time to retire the shot glass.

Fine Dining

Until recently, going to an expensive restaurant for a gourmet meal was my ideal way to socialize with friends. Now, I've lost the taste for it.  It's just too much - too much food, too much money, too much sitting around, too stuffy. It's more fun to grab a casual light bite, then move on to shoot a game of pool or catch a show.

While my appetite for gossip, drinking games and seven course meals is on the wane, this girl still wants to have fun. Luckily there are plenty of pursuits that have actually gotten better with age. I'll tell you about them in my next posting!

Mid-Life Marriage Makeover

In August, my husband, Liam, and I celebrated our 16th anniversary at a posh restaurant. We toasted each other with champagne. “Here’s to another sixteen years!” Unfortunately, if we follow current trends, we aren’t likely to make it another nine. According to a study reported in Divorce Magazine, only 33% of couples that marry reach their twenty-fifth anniversary. While that does take into account spouses who die, the real culprit is divorce. And more people in their middle years are getting divorced than ever before.

People of all ages are divorcing more often - over half of all marriages now end in divorce. But the middle years are especially tough on a marriage. Studies show that these are the years when marital satisfaction can hit bottom. The decline in satisfaction is often caused by stressful events that occur at this stage of life like parenting teenagers, becoming empty nesters, caring for aging parents, and dealing with financial and career pressure. Also, unlike at younger ages when husbands are the most likely to do the leaving, the wife initiates two-thirds of divorces after age forty.

So statistically, I have a 2 out of 3 chance of getting a divorce in the next nine years and I’m likely to be the one filing the papers. This is scary. I never thought that my marriage might be in danger. But I do seem to have a lot of friends who are suddenly calling it quits. What they are going through is painful and messy, to say the least. If I want to avoid a sticky mid-life divorce, I guess I’m going to need to pay a little more attention to my relationship.

That’s just what Cathy Brody, marriage counselor and co-author of Renew Your Marriage at Midlife, says needs to happen on a regular basis. She says, “Marriage is a constant cycle of renewal and rebalance.” In order to survive, a marriage needs upkeep. But what is the goal? John Gottman, PhD, has been researching marriages for decades. He has found that “happy marriages are based on deep friendship.” This means that a couple shares mutual respect, enjoys each other’s company, and knows each other intimately.

Sounds good on paper, but how do we do that? After sifting through what the experts have to say, here are three things I plan to work on.

1. Do things together when we are both at our best.
I’m pretty sure I’m not at my best before 6:30am or after 10 pm, which are the main times I’m alone with Liam. To avoid only spending “leftover time” with your spouse, you need to plan fun things to do together. I’m booking a babysitter and buying us concert tickets for next weekend. I’m even looking into golf lessons.

2. Show Appreciation
I think Liam is a great guy, but I’m not sure if I’ve told him that lately. According to the experts, you can’t underestimate the power of sincere compliments or expressions of affection. No one likes being taken for granted.

3. Set Common Goals
According to the experts, teamwork and goal setting is essential for married couples. We used to do this. We used to have actual meetings when we wrote out what we wanted for our family, our relationship, and ourselves. But that was ten years ago and our lives have changed a lot since then. Now we tend to handle things on our own. It’s time to dust off the flip chart.

The realization for me is that if I want to make it to my 25th anniversary, I’m going to have to put some time and effort into making my marriage work. Hopefully, my husband will follow suit. The three areas I’m going to work on are just a few of many things you can do to liven up your relationship. My friend Suzanne has a recommendation that involves a blindfold and a cherry lifesaver. But I’ll save that one for another time.