I read Esther Perel's book, Mating in Captivity, but how brilliantly she sums up her main points in this Ted Talk. It's such an interesting discussion of how difficult it is to keep eroticism alive in an intimate relationship.Why? Because security and closeness and dependability and care taking - some of the key perqs of a relationship - aren't hot. Being married to your best friend is safe and comforting and easy, but doesn't make you want to rip your clothes off.
Eroticism requires the elements of wanting and selfishness and separation. On the flip side, neediness and responsibility are big libido busters. How can married people experience both intimacy and eroticism? It's not just about sex toys or new positions. Give each other some space to be apart, mentally and physically, so you can discover one another again. And forget about spontaneity. Good sex is premeditated. Watch!