Sexy Classes, Trips, and Resources for Couples - Something for Everybody!

Esalen a retreat in Big Sur California offers couples
 many ways to connect. (image via makeitbetter.net)

Check out my latest Sex & the Suburbs column for Make it Better Magazine. It's packed full of resources for couples who want to inject some heat into their love lives. If you've been longing to improve your sex life but haven't known how, my column gives you a lot of options from books and flirty websites to far off retreats. Here's a couple fun things to try, but read my full story to get the whole lusty list!

Sexy Website: GetLusty.comFounded by Chicagoans Erica Grigg and her husbandTim Walton, GetLusty is a website for couples designed to put an end to boring sex. Couples can peruse articles focusing on 5 key areas of an amazing relationship: communication, technique, health, dates and adventure. Once you see an article that gets your pulse racing—for example, the pizza delivery role-play idea—you can note it on the site so your partner (privately) gets the message. GetLusty’s content is well-written, sex-positive and comprehensive. If you have a hankering to expand your knowledge or your repertoire, this is a fun place to start. Membership prices range from free to $19.99/month.  

Sexy Field Trip: Weird Chicago’s Red Light District Sex TourBilled as the only Sex Tour in America, Weird Chicago’s three-hour bus tour with colorful guide and sexpert Sunny Megatron has received rave reviews. The tour includes stops at a number of blush-worthy Chicago locations you never knew existed, such as secret sex clubs, historical red light districts, S&M dungeons and more. Explore the naughty side of the city, and perhaps each other. If you have a group of like-minded, curious friends, this entire bus can be booked as a charter. The cost for the tour is $40 per person.  

Full story at: http://www.makeitbetter.net/better-you/sex-and-the-suburbs/5314-sexy-resources-classes-and-retreats-for-couples 

For Great Sex: Deal with Differences in Desire

My most recent Sex & the Suburbs column for MakeitBetter.net discusses how men and women can deal with the differences in their desire. Men and women get turned on very differently, which can often lead to hurt feelings, misunderstandings and resentments, even though it's no one's fault - it's just biology, damn it!

"When men and women understand how differently they become aroused, they can make changes to accommodate each other so they both enjoy sex more. Here are some empowering strategies to negotiate the differences in desire in your relationship."

Based on an enlightening conversation with sex therapist Emily Harrell, my column provides advice so that both partners can feel fulfilled. The first tip? Stop treating sex as a yes or no proposition. Instead, make time to fool around (cuddle, make out, massage) without a specific goal in mind. It takes the pressure off and opens doors to greater exploration and arousal.When both partners are relaxed and intimate, who knows what might develop?

Image courtesy of
MakeitBetter.net

Read the rest of the tips at over at Make it Better and enjoy!

Suburban Myth? Swingers on the North Shore

image via - makeitbetter.net

Sometimes my work as a columnist for MakeitBetter.net leads me into murky waters, and investigating my latest column about married couples who swing (switch partners) is an example.

In my relatively conservative community, Chicago's North Shore, there have been longstanding rumors about the existence of swinging, but, even though I'd asked around, I couldn't confirm any real evidence of the pursuit.

Then, through a friend, I found a forthcoming source who told me everything I could ever want to know about the swinging lifestyle (and more.) Unlike the boozy, free love key parties of the 70's, todays swinging scene is highly organized - with permanent facilities, websites, rules of etiquette and more.

This is as naughty as my
swinging gets.

To get an in-depth look at the "Lifestyle" read my full column - "Swingers on the North Shore - More Than Myth" - then let me know what you think. I do believe in a couple's right to define their relationship as they wish. But as for me, the only swinging I'll be doing is at a playground or at the Mexican beachfront bar at right.

A chat with a famed Sexpert - Dr. Laura Berman

Dr. Laura Berman
image via MakeitBetter.net

How can women boost their own desire so they feel like having sex more often? Is it okay for your kids to know you and your mate are having some time alone? What's something you can do to make Valentine's Day more sexy?

Famous sex therapist Dr. Laura Berman answers these questions and more  in  my interview for Make it Better.  Here's an excerpt, but follow the link for the full piece, which includes a video of our conversation.

Part of the problem for parents is that it’s hard to escape their kids. Do you think it’s bad for kids to know their parents are having “private time”?
Absolutely not. I think the opposite. You’re the model of what a loving, intimate relationship looks like. Obviously children do not need to know the details of your sex life or see you having sex—that’s why you always put a lock on the door. But for them to know that you guys have special private time—you can even set a timer or say “after this cartoon Mommy and Daddy will be right back” —I think that’s a really important message to give your kids about what to expect in their own loving relationships. 


Full interview at my colomn, Sex & The Suburbs, MakeitBetter.net

How to Have More Fun in Bed

Whee! My latest column for Make it Better is spicy! Follow the link to read 7 Naughty Ways to Have More Fun in Bed  based on advice and tips from women like you and me - including a creative use for the little candy pictured below. 

Forget Timberlake, it's Older Women Bringing Sexy Back

 I'm reading an encouraging little book called The Secret Pleasures of Menopause by Dr. Christiane Northrup that has cheered me up about getting older. According to this prominent OB/Gyn and recent research, we women have a lot to look forward to between the sheets in middle age and beyond!

 Here are a couple excerpts from the book I'd like to pass on:

"The first idea you need to cast aside is the cultural myth that sex drive inevitably decreases after menopause. This simply is not true. The latest research shows that women in their 60s and 70's have the best sex of their lives."

According to a 2007 survey of 3000 men and women aged 57-85, "not only were most of those surveyed still sexually active, but the average frequency of sex was 2-3 times per month - the same frequency that younger adults report."

"Women aged 55 and older enjoy sex more and put more thought and effort into their sex lives than women the same age a decade ago. ... The researchers explain the difference in this way: Women who've reached midlife and beyond feel younger, are more open about their sexual needs, and are more interested in health."

Also, the study showed that a robust sex life has "less to do with how old you are and more to do with how healthy you are."

It's no secret that sex and health have a reciprocal relationship - the better you feel, the more sex you have and the more sex you have, the better you feel. The very good news is that age doesn't affect this equation.

So to celebrate, I'll propose a toast - To your health!

The "Beadafits" of being a sure thing for your husband

Last week I wrote about the book Forty Beads, the Simple Sexy Secret for Transforming Your Marriage (see my post, Develop a Sex Habit in Your Marriage.) Author Carolyn Evans explains a system where a woman gives her husband 40 beads and agrees to have sex with him within 24 hours, each time he drops a bead in her bedside bowl.

Create your own Forty Beads kit or
order this one at Amazon.com

The arrangement is intended to balance different libido levels in a relationship, but it seems pretty one-sided, right?

I spoke to Carolyn (who is as lovely over the phone as she appears in her video, below) and asked her - so what do we women get out of Forty Beads?

According to Carolyn, here are just some of the "beadafits" she and other women have experienced:

1. A loving, connected relationship with her husband.
2. A husband who is completely tuned into her needs.
3. An appreciation of her own sensuality.
4. The best sex of her life.

"It absolutely changed the way I feel about sex," Carolyn says, "Sex gets better the more you open yourself up to it. Saying yes (vs. no all the time) is an expansive experience."

And, while beading couples do have sex more frequently than they used to, it's not as big of an increase as you might think.  The beads create a feeling of sexual abundance in the relationship - so the guys are relaxed and not always so desperate to secure it.

Y'all, it sounds like it's worth a try to me. I say, bead me up, Scotty!

Moms, do you wanna be a MILF?

The term "Milf," which originated as an acronym for the crude term Mother I'd Like to F*@k, has evolved into a semi-legit noun that creates mixed feelings amongst we moms. I mean, we're not interested in the attention of guys young enough to be our sons (are we?) but we'd still appreciate being considered hot by other men.

Check out my article at Make it Better where I delve into the contradictions of this term and interview author Sarah Maizes about her fun new book, Got Milf? The modern mom's guide to feeling fabulous, looking great and rocking a minivan.


Milfs seem to be the sexy older chicks of choice in the media these days, but I still have a fondness for the classic Cougars which I wrote about admiringly a few years back. Follow the link to my article "Feline Fantasy" to reminisce with me!

And check back tomorrow, when I give a sneak peek to my interview with Carolyn Evans, author of Forty Beads - the Simple Sexy Secret for Transforming Your Marriage.

Develop a Sex Habit in Your Marriage

June is habit month and to develop my writing habit, I've vowed to blog every day except for Sundays. Today the pressure is getting to me. It's almost 5 o'clock and it's Saturday night and my husband is taking me out for dinner. I've got 45 minutes to come up with something good and I don't have a damn thing to say about habits.

Or do I?

I write the Sex & the Suburbs column for Make it Better Magazine and in preparation for an article,  I'm reading a fascinating book called "Forty Beads - The Simple Sexy Secret for Transforming Your Marriage." I'm excited to interview author Carolyn Evans. Her book is creating quite a buzz and she just appeared on the Today Show yesterday to discuss it.

The book describes a system that Carolyn improvised as a gift for her husband's 40th birthday. They'd been going through a bit of a rough patch in their marriage - busy with other things, disconnected from one another, she was getting bitchy, he was feeling resentful. (Honestly, what married couple hasn't gone through a time like this?)

Carolyn wanted to turn things around by giving her husband a birthday present that would make him really, really happy. She figured that the thing guys want more than anything is sex. But not just one mind-blowing night of sex. Men want an abundance of sex and, even more, they want to know that sex is coming their way in the future.

So, Carolyn gave her man a bag of 40 glass beads to be used like this:

1. When hubby wants sex, he places a bead in a bowl on her bedside table.
2. Wife redeems bead by having sex with hubby within 24 hour period.
3. Couple repeats until all beads have been presented.

That's it. Apparently this gift has made her husband deliriously happy and revitalized their marriage.  Carolyn has reaped all sorts of unexpected and delightful benefits herself and other women "beaders" who followed in her footsteps have been similarly delighted. It's not just the regular sex that has worked this magic - it's the anticipation, appreciation, and mutual agreement that accompanies it.

Wow. I haven't finished the book yet, but I'm already formulating my interview questions. It sounds so one-sided and transactional, and it must be anti-feminist, right?

But if it really works, well, hmmm.

I can't completely give away my article for Make it Better, but I'll give you a preview of my conversation with Carolyn after we talk next week. You can learn more for yourself at www.fortybeads.com.

And now, I'm off to enjoy my Saturday night!

Gratifying Benefits of Breathing Deep

The Labyrinth is one of the many places to catch a breath
at Canyon Ranch in Lenox, MA

One of the things that was constantly reinforced during my stay at the fabulous Canyon Ranch was the importance of deep breathing. Not just in meditation sessions, but in lecture after lecture and in every exercise class, we were asked to focus on our breath. I even took a breathing lesson, which sounds kind of ridiculous, but actually isn't. Apparently very few of us know how to breathe properly. We run around panting like little hamsters, feeling all frantic and worked up, instead of taking the deep belly breaths we need to maintain our health, vitality and peace of mind.

It's not difficult to breathe deeply but you do have to pay attention to achieve it. Here's the basic technique I learned at Canyon Ranch.

"Assume a comfortable position. Mindfully relax your body, releasing any areas of tension or constriction. Observe your breath. As you inhale (through nose), the lower edge of the rib cage and the abdomen should expand. As you exhale, the opposite should occur. Do not force the movement of the abdomen. Allow the breath to naturally move through the body."

Breathing deeply from the diaphragm has many benefits. Not only does it lower stress and blood pressure, it balances our immune system, reduces cravings, improves circulation, and even lessens hot flashes!

But there's more. Different breathing techniques can be used to relax, to energize, to fall back asleep, and even  to achieve orgasm. Yep, that's right. Just check out the video below to see how easily it can be done, as sex educator Sheri Winston demonstrates. (Don't worry, it's not pornographic, just a bit noisy.)

Now, this particular technique was not taught at Canyon Ranch and I myself have not mastered it. But as for the benefits of deep breathing, I'm sold.

Aaahhh.

Is a Midlife Crisis all about Sex?

As I continue to create my own midlife crisis, this exploration is suddenly resulting in many connections and coincidences - discoveries that are kind of amazing - and the unifying theme here is none other than sex.


The classes I'm taking, the books I'm reading, the people I'm meeting, the dreams I'm having -  the stars are aligned. My new  guru has an S-Factor pole in her living room and attends conferences with Shameless author Pamela Madsen. My friends are scheduling Enamour photo shoots, sex toy parties, and romantic getaways. They're getting frisky, taking ownership, celebrating themselves. Which all leads me to conclude -


A midlife crisis is all about sex.

Dana Delany is a chick who clearly
feels sexy (pic  from IMDb.com)

It's not a complete shocker that I've come to this conclusion. After all, the two things I write about are 1) middle age (here at Forty Fabulous) and 2) sex and relationships (over at Makeitbetter.net.) I have fun exploring titillating topics, but I've never felt that sexuality was my main focus. I've seen it as just one tool - along with curiosity, courage, wit, and generosity - for a mature chick to get it going on.

But when I get specific about what it means to have it "going on," I mean a woman who feels great about herself, is excited by life, is physically, emotionally and intellectually alive, who connects with others and has a rockin' good time. A woman who is sexy! Someone like Dana Delany, pictured, who at 55 seems to embody all those traits. She obviously feels like one smoking hot babe. Do you?

I do!

       Well, sometimes.

                   Lately not so much....

                            Thus my midlife crisis.

Like pretty much everybody, sexuality is an important aspect of my identity. The idea of going through the next half of my life not feeling hot is a bleak prospect. I don't mean other people thinking I'm hot (although, feel free.) I don't even mean having lots of hot squealy-pig sex (though I'm a fan.) I mean feeling hot about myself and feeling connected to that electric vibe that runs through my core, the sense of anticipation that says - hey I'm ready, everything is possible, bring it on!

Because when you feel like that, age is irrelevant.

The job here is to figure out how to dial up that current; keep it zipping and zapping as long and strong as possible. At this point in life - with kids and hormones and bills and responsibilities - what's exciting? What's a turn-on now? It's not the same stuff that did it 20 years ago. Just a few of the things that get my pulse racing are singing onstage and dancing in the kitchen and interviewing someone fascinating and getting my husband to... Oops. I've promised to keep him out of this - at least as far as the blog is concerned.

Anyhow, I intend to have a lot  of fun exploring this area. Check back soon, because I'm going on a retreat where I hope to gets lots of inspiration. Til then, have a sexy weekend!

Shameless Author Makes Case for Pleasure

Note: This is a story I wrote for my Sex & the Suburbs column over at Makeitbetter.net.  It fits very well with January's theme of the BODY. Oh boy, does it ever.

In Pamela Madsen’s new book, the 40-something mother of two tells the story of her mid-life journey to find sexual fulfillment—all while staying happily married to her long-time husband.

Her desire to explore her sensuality, highlighted in "Shameless: How I Ditched the Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure...and Somehow Got Home in Time To Cook Dinner," wasn’t a criticism of her marriage; it was something she felt she needed to do for herself.

“Our sex life was just fine, thank you very much.” Madsen says in a recent phone interview. “I loved my husband, my family, my children, my life. But my libido was pounding on the door, and I didn’t know what to do.”

Sacred Intimacy and Raspberries
Madsen dipped deep into her desires through the help of healers, workshops, and therapeutic sessions in a little-known area called Sacred Intimacy (SI). Devotees of SI consider it to be a sexual path to the self, using techniques like erotic massage, visualization and ritual to help clients heal wounds from the past and find wholeness and fulfillment.

One of Madsen’s tamer sessions with her “intimate,” a gay man named Marcus, involved frozen raspberries—a treat that she wasn't allowed as a child because her mother said she was too chubby to deserve “good” food. Read the book for specifics, but after two hours with Marcus and the forbidden fruit, the author felt beautiful, gratified, and very worthy of berries in her future.

Sexy and Size 14
Madsen’s detailed and brutally honest account of her exploits is outrageous, shocking and hilarious. She certainly blows away societal expectations of how a size-14, middle-aged woman married to her high school sweetheart should behave. What Pamela Madsen wants to communicate is that everyone—regardless of size, shape or age—is entitled to pleasure.

“Women don’t have to earn the right to have pleasure in life. We don’t have to lose three pounds, or weigh a certain amount, or jog, or take out the garbage, or get a raise. We’re all entitled to have pleasure, just the way we are! And when we finally figure that out, pleasure can transform our lives.”

Madsen says her journey has helped her find sexual, personal and spiritual wholeness and made her a better wife, mother and friend. And when her game is on, she feels like the hottest thing in the world. 


To read the rest of the article over at Makeitbetter, click here.

Is this fair? Ads for female equivalent of Viagra can't run on TV

This weekend when my husband and I were in Napa, I came across an article in the San Francisco Chronicle describing a sexual double standard that made me mad.

According to the Chronicle, two women have developed a botanical topical oil called Zestra, designed to help women "heighten their sexual intimacy." Semprae Labs co-founders Rachel Braun Scherl, 45, and  Mary Jaensch, 58 - both married mothers - developed the product in response to research that tens of millions of American women have sexual difficulty and no way to treat it.

Zestra is an all natural product targeted to women who just aren't feeling it like they used to. One Zestra ad (see below) says the oil will "help you feel the way you used to when sexual arousal just happened naturally - without doing anything, without thinking about it, without trying not to think about anything else."

Um, I'm not admitting to anything here, but does that include not thinking about picking up the dry cleaning or worrying that my kid needs a ride home from the mall? Tell me more.

Unfortunately, most women have never heard of Zestra's benefits, because many network and cable TV stations won't run the ads.

We're no stranger to products to help men's problems in the bedroom. Ads for Viagra, Cialis, and Levitra are everywhere. The ads clearly communicate that men deserve lifelong sexual gratification and the complications that come with age require medical treatment. The commercials, with images of couples dancing romantically or sharing hilltop baths, also imply that a man's ability to sustain erection will not only bring great satisfaction to him, but to his appreciative partner as well.

But when it comes to promoting a product designed to help a woman achieve more pleasure, the TV stations refused. From the Chronicle article:

Laura Grindstaff, an associate professor of sociology at UC Davis, said many cultures are uncomfortable with the idea of female sexuality outside reproduction and motherhood.

"When you see naked women bounding around in any music video or open a magazine and see ads for cars or cosmetics, half-naked women are everywhere," Grindstaff said. "That is not women's sexuality. What you see is completely bound up and constructed by male ideas of what women's sexuality ought to be. An ad like Zestra's, with no men in it, about women's pleasure for the sake of pleasure, is threatening."

Maybe that's what the stupid TV execs think, but when I researched my article "What Men Really Want," I learned that most men would love for their women partners to feel sexier and more aroused. So maybe banning Zestra ads from television is unfair to both men and women.

If you're interested in what the flap is all about, check out this Zestra commercial.

Intriguing, no? The product is available online at zestra.com or at places like Wal-Mart and K-Mart. I haven't tried it (yet), so I'm not endorsing it. I just think women and men should have equal opportunity when it comes to good sex.

Sex & the Suburbs on the Radio

I had the chance to appear on Wayne Messmer's Homelife Radio show on AM560 WIND this morning. We talked about what men really want, how to spice up your marriage and the pros and cons of online dating - all topics I've covered in my "Sex & the Suburbs" column for Make it Better Magazine.

 To listen to the fun 10-minute discussion, press the play arrow, below.

Forty Fabulous Field Trip: Museum of Sex

Museum of Sex, NYC

I'd  never heard of the Museum of Sex in New York City until I discovered it on my iphone map this weekend, a mere block from our lunch destination - the famous Shake Shack in Madison Square Park.

As a dark-tressed, breaking-bad, forty-fabulous sex columnist, I consider it my professional duty to investigate all museum quality aspects of sex. If it's on exhibit in a museum, it's gotta be worth knowing, right?

So, as my patient husband waited in line for 45 minutes to order our Shackburgers, I walked up 5th Avenue, entered through the museum's chic gift store, bought a $16.75 ticket, and stepped into the dimly lit gallery.

Sorta kinky.

The stated mission of the Museum of Sex is "to preserve and present the history, evolution and cultural significance of human sexuality."

I expected to see exhibits about stuff like the erotic secrets of the ancient Greeks, the origin of the Kamasutra, and maybe some kinky, rubberized S&M contraptions. I expected the museum to be hot.

Alas, it was not.

The first floor exhibit was all video, showing how sex has been depicted in film over the last century. Most of it was ho-hum - rapturously emoting silent film stars, bloodthirsty vampires,  etc,  - although there were a few snippets of graphic porn and disturbing Japanese anime thrown in.

It's not all about size,  Mr. Roboto

"Respect the privacy of your fellow museum patrons." advised a discreet sign. No problem. I wasn't looking to make friends.

The second floor had some interesting pieces, such as life-size male and female sex dolls, sculptures crafted from colorful dildos, and a series entitled "Sex Lives of Robots"(see left.) Phallic symbols abounded.

The rest of the second floor was devoted to the history of the condom and the fight against sexually transmitted diseases. While educational, this exhibit didn't do much to promote sex in my book. The pictures of lesion-covered syphilis sufferers made an excellent case for abstinence.

I found some comic relief on the 3rd floor, which displayed the wide, wide world of sex in the animal kingdom. Guess what? Animals have homosexual, group and oral sex too. They even masturbate. But after watching a video of a poor little turtle trying to pleasure himself against a rock, I'd had enough.

Homosexual and group sex is common in
 the animal kingdom. Honestly, who cares?

The gift shop was fun, but overall, my visit to the Museum of Sex was rather anti-climactic.

Lunch at the Shake Shack, however, was delicious!

It's fun, it's healthy, and you're never too old for it...

...it's sex of course! Check out my recent article from Makeitbetter.net.

Sexy at Every Age

In the 2003 movie “Something’s Gotta Give,” audiences were surprised and delighted to see Diane Keaton and Jack Nicholson get steamy between the sheets.

Last year, audiences were titillated by Meryl Streep and Alec Baldwin’s lusty bedroom antics in “It’s Complicated.”

The popularity of these movies underscores two things: 1) mature adults (especially women) are all too rarely depicted as passionate or sensual in the media, and 2) people with their AARP cards are still very interested in getting it on.

Sex for the health of itWell, why not? Healthy adults can have pleasurable sex lives at any age, and they should. According to Wilmette internist Dr. Todd Newberger, sex is always good for you.

“Physical intimacy is an enormous part of healthy adult relationships,” he says. “It helps people maintain closeness and feel young and vibrant.” And there are real health benefits as well. “If the equipment is being used, it is likely to keep performing well.”

Sex is particularly beneficial to men – it keeps their prostate healthy. Newberger will jokingly write prescriptions for men over 65 saying “more orgasms” to take home to their wives.

Older couples have advantages when it comes to maintaining an active sex life. With their kids grown, they have more privacy and time to focus on their relationship.

Mamie, 66, from Deerfield, says of her marriage to Ted, 62, “An important part of our identity as a couple is that we are lovers.” Yet, she admits that when she and Ted visit kids and grandchildren, it’s harder to wrap her mind around sex. “Ted will say, `I can see you’ve switched into mother mode now.’”

However, the physical changes that come with age mean that mature adults have to change their attitudes about what comprises a satisfying sexual encounter. Certain positions or activities may become less comfortable or even impossible. And while Viagra has helped men maintain their vigor, women don’t always appreciate its one-sided benefits.

Dr. Newberger encourages his male patients to include their wives in the Viagra decision and reminds them, “There isn’t just one way to satisfy your wife.”

Mamie and Ted enjoy being creative. They’ve both had hip replacements, so they can’t swing from chandeliers, but they aren’t shy about integrating videos or battery-operated devices to perk things up. Mamie bought some special lingerie to surprise Ted on their anniversary. “It’s important to keep things fresh,” she says.

Men and women who become single after many years of marriage can find the current sexual landscape both confusing and exciting. The rules of courtship from their youth no longer apply.

While the abundance of partners and relaxed sexual mores might be fun to experience for the first time, sex at any age comes with risks. According to Newberger, the incidence of sexually transmitted disease (STDs) in retirement communities is the same as on college campuses. In other words, sexually active older adults no longer have to worry about pregnancy, but they still have to act responsibly.

3 Things I Learned at a Pole Dancing Class

Saturday night, seven of my girlfriends (who prefer to remain anonymous) and I headed to the S-Factor in Chicago to try a new type of workout, pole dancing. None of us had ever danced with a pole before (well, I once wound streamers around a May pole in 2nd grade, but that doesn't count) and we were a bit nervous.

The common view of pole dancing is that it's slutty and sleazy and only performed for the pleasure of lecherous, drooling, dollar bill wielding men. We were a group of middle-aged, married moms with jobs and responsibilities; not exactly the exotic dancer type.

But still, we were curious. It sounded kind of naughty. And fun.

My 16 year-old son, Nick, learned about my plan and was appalled. He texted his buddy.

"Do you know our moms are going pole dancing?"

His friend texted back immediately.

"That makes me very uncomfortable."


We moms were uncomfortable too, especially at the idea of trying to look sultry and sensual in front of one another. Our husbands, however, were surprisingly accommodating. They happily volunteered to run carpools, make dinner, take the cat to the vet. "I got it covered, hon, you go on and have fun at that dance class."

I'm writing about the experience for Make it Better Magazine, so I'll have to wait to give you the full scoop until after the article is published. But as a preview, here are three things I learned  from my first pole dancing class.

1. It's not about how you look, it's how you feel
The studio was dimly lit, and get this, had NO mirrors. Imagine our relief! Julie, our instructor, told us that we shouldn't be concerned with how we looked or doing any movement "correctly." We should consider the room a safe place to just let go and have fun and feel good about ourselves.

2. Curves are captivating
In other fitness classes I've taken, I felt that fleshiness was shameful - a problem that needed fixing. But at S-Factor, the goal is for women to appreciate and enjoy their bodies as they are, not change them. Julie was gorgeous and sexy, but not skinny. She had boobs and a butt and man, could she flaunt 'em. When demonstrating the "cat pounce" she  arched her back while pointing her tush at the ceiling. As I tried to follow along, for the first time in my life, I wished for a bigger ass.

3. Get in touch with yourself
Throughout the class Julie urged us to "put your hands on your curves." Apparently, for a woman to be truly sexy she must know and own her body; to do that, she needs to be in contact with it. Touching ourselves - whether running a hand through our hair or massaging a knee - became part of the movements.

I felt awkward at first; it was certainly different than the pumping or punching arm moves that we're asked to do in aerobic or weight lifting classes. But as you can see from the pic above, I was feeling pretty comfortable in my own skin by the time class was over.

I'll write more about this later this summer. But if you don't feel like waiting, try a pole dancing class for yourself. It'll make you think about yourself in a whole new way.

And just for laughs, watch actress Sheila Kelley, the founder of the S-Factor, teach Conan O'Brien some seductive moves by clicking here.

'Sam' confirms our worst fears about men

I've got some catching up to do. Before the holidays I arranged for my divorced pals, Warren and Bunny (one of the Posse chicks), to meet. Fellow Posse member Regina met Warren a while back, but I was especially curious to see how Warren and Bunny would get along because they are both very funny and - as you know from my prior posts - quite naughty. So, on the Thursday before Christmas we all met at The Happ Inn in Northfield. Even though it was early, the bar was packed.

Bunny was cute and frisky in jeans with a flowered knit cap pulled over her long blonde hair. Warren looked dapper in a cashmere jacket and funky specs. And as a bonus Gracie showed up too! Ooh, this would be great material. I pulled out my Sharpie no-bleed pen and notebook, and prepared to take some juicy notes.

But it wasn't so easy. The bar was really loud and even though Bunny and Warren seemed to hit it off, I couldn't hear a word of what they were saying. Plus, Bunny kept skipping off to corners of the room to greet all the people she knew. Gracie was deep in conversation with some guy, and I myself was attracting a lot of interest from men at the bar.

"What are you writing about?" they asked. "Are you a reporter? Where can I read your work?"

Bunny bounced over with a tall, good-looking dude in tow.

"Do you know who this is?" she squealed. "It's Man-Who-Needs-Haircut!"

The Posse chicks assign tribal names to guys they see regularly out on the town. Man-Who-Needs-Haircut looked just like Sam, the bartender played by Ted Danson on Cheers - lanky, athletic, with a good (but disheveled) head of hair. He looked to be in his early 50s.

"Sam" was a few drinks ahead of me and feeling talkative. "You should interview me," he said. "I'll tell you anything. What do you wanna know?"

I looked longingly over to Warren and Bunny who were cracking up and acting all flirty. I knew I was missing out on something good. But it was loud and crowded and I was lucky to have a stool. I turned to Sam.

"Okay, tell me why you got divorced."

"My wife never wanted to have sex, so I left," said Sam. Uh-oh.

"You mean she never wanted to have sex," I asked, "or just not all that often?"

"She said I was lucky to be getting it once a week - I told her I needed more sex than that. I said, look if you don't satisfy me, I'm going to go out and get it." He took a swig of his drink. "She told me good luck. So I did."

Then Sam explained that even though his relationship with his wife basically ended then, they stayed married for years until their kids left for college three years ago. During that time, he played around. Frequently. And close to home.

"I provided the women in the neighborhood with a service," he told me. "They weren't getting enough, I wasn't getting enough. Everybody's needs were satisfied. I saved a lot of marriages."

I gulped. "You're like a woman's worst nightmare!" I said. "You're confirming all our fears about men."

"You should fear. You should fear for your lives," said Sam. "I've got married friends and when we go out together, they take off their rings. They're just like Tiger. He's a regular guy -and regular guys cheat."

On that ominous note, I'll put my conversation with Sam on pause. But there's more, oh yes, there's more. Check back in a few days and I'll give you the surprising wrap up!

Until then, cheers.

Marriage Rx - Hotel Sex

If you've been married to your partner for 10 years or more and have children, I'm fairly certain you have two problems with your sex life: 1) no privacy and 2) no variety. Today I'm putting on my love doctor lab coat and giving you an important prescription.

Book yourself a hotel room.

First of all, you need to get away from your kids. Parents of younger children might snatch a few minutes of alone time after the kids are in bed, but it's still hard to relax. Nothing quashes desire like the pitter pat of little feet outside your locked bedroom door or a cry for a glass of water during a crucial moment of of an intimate act.

And once your kids are older, forget about it. Teenagers are like vampires; it's impossible to outlast them at night. You try to retreat to the master suite on a pretense - "Dad and I are watching the History Channel!"- but they sense what you're up to. Teens who haven't willingly uttered two words to you in days will be banging on the door with a lame question, forcing you to scramble for your panties. It's not hot.

When you finally manage to find uninterrupted time in the bedroom, let's face it - it's routine. Same bed, same view, same lighting. Remember when you were younger, all the exciting places you and your spouse did it? Beaches, golf courses, elevators? (Well, I never did it in an elevator, but I have friends.) It was fun! Sometimes I think my bedroom is the least sexy place in the entire world. It makes me sleepy.

But there is a solution, and it's only a click away. Book yourself into a hotel.

"But I can't!" I hear you protest. "It's too expensive, and who will watch my kids overnight?"

Silly. You can get a lovely hotel room for the price of a decent restaurant meal. And, duh, you aren't going to sleep there. A couple hours will do just fine.

For example, this Saturday night you can stay at the W Hotel City Center in Chicago (room pictured above) for a very reasonable $109. It's a short walk from the train station - you can be down and back (no pun intended) on the Metra and home before 11:00 p.m. Pack a duffle bag with a bottle of champagne, a hunk of cheese, strawberries, chocolate, some sexy lingerie and a tube of this stuff. I promise, it will be the best date night you've had in a while.

As my friend Ginny says, "If I were in a hotel I'd have sex every night!"

Regina and Warren discuss the pitfalls of hooking up

This is a continuation of my series on divorce and dating. To start from the beginning, click here then page up through my blog.

Regina burst into the bar at Bluestone and within minutes she and Warren exchanged real names, chatted about financial futures and vegetarianism, and figured out they had several mutual friends. Warren had even dated a girl who looked just like Regina. I was relieved. Conversation wasn't going to be a problem for my newly introduced divorced pals.

Regina was excited because she'd made a lot of discoveries about herself that day. "I finally met my health insurance deductible," she said, "so my therapy sessions are free for the rest of year! I'm cramming them in like crazy. My therapist and I are on an archaeological dig."

Although Regina vows never (ever!) to marry again, she'd like to have a man around. But since her divorce five years ago, she hasn't figured out how to make a relationship work. As she told Warren, "I love men, I'm just not good with them. I'm in the special needs program of dating - you have a PhD." Warren laughed.

So, Regina is seeing her therapist twice a week and some things are beginning to click. Like why she dated so many inappropriate men - guys who were too young, or married, or from out of town.

"When you're unhealthy, you find people at your own unhealthy level," she said.

Warren said gently. "You deserve much better than those guys," he said.

Regina also discovered why she has problems connecting with men. Her therapist says she's too honest for her own good. Men don't understand how open she is and assume she's playing games. I have to agree that Regina is off the richter scale in terms of honesty, but that's the way she sees the world.

"Why am I stuck with this flippin' curse?" she wailed.

Warren could relate. "I'm always completely honest too," he said. "The problem is, women refuse to believe me. Or, they try to change me."

"No one can ever change anyone," snapped Regina.

Because of the work she's done on her issues, Regina is ready to let a man into her life. And recently, through Match.com, she found the perfect guy. Just like Regina, "Sam" was interested in nature and conservation. They connected on topics like Illinois birds of prey, worms, mulch - even trailer hitches. And one night, after a series of suggestive texts, they slept together.

"We had awesome sex," said Regina. "I was like a hitter in a bad slump and he broke me out of it. He made me feel like a relationship was possible again."

But the next time she contacted him to get together, he stood her up.

Did the guy think it was just a booty call? I asked Warren, who shrugged and nodded.

"I broke The Rules." Regina said sadly. "Men are the ones that are supposed to do the chasing."

What are you looking for? I asked Regina. What kind of relationship do you want?

"I just want someone to spend time with on the three nights a week I'm not with my kids so I'm not alone. Someone enjoyable, to have sex with, on my terms," she replied.

And what did Warren want?

"I want someone smart and funny who thinks the sun rises and sets in me and makes me feel that way about her too. Someone who makes me laugh, to goof around with, who reads books and newspapers and knows what's going on in the world." Warren chuckled. "I have a list."

Neither Regina or Warren seem to be asking for too much, but it's hard to find the right person. Hopefully, the woman I'll write about next time can help. She's a professional matchmaker. Check back later this week for her advice on what makes two people click and how to make a good impression on a first date.