Do we need to appreciate our men more?

I've been researching what men really want from their wives and partners. Surprisingly, the thing the guys seem to desire most is to be appreciated.

The breaking news of Oscar-winning actresses Sandra Bullock and Kate Winslet's marital problems made me wonder if their husbands felt the same way. I posed this question on my other site, True/Slant, and stirred up quite a spirited conversation. Check it out by clicking here.

I'll be writing more about this topic in future posts, so stay tuned!

Sam Part 2 - Becoming a better man

Back at the Happ Inn, I continued my conversation with Sam, a divorced North Shore contractor who had numerous affairs when he was married.

"My best buddies are married and they're all cheating," said Sam. " They come home from work after a tough day and all they get from their wives is nagging. So they go out to get some attention and have someone treat them nice. Look."

He gestured to a couple of his apparently married pals who, sure enough, were flirting and laughing with a group of vivacious women who were a lot younger and cuter than those wormy cheaters deserved.

Bunny came over to join us and Sam put his arm around her seductively.

"Hey. Remember when we made out in the bathroom that time?" he asked. "You were hot."

Bunny nodded. "I'd just broken up with my boyfriend and I was a mess. First I made out with Sam in the bathroom, then I made out with Regina at the table. Then I threw up."

Sam grinned. "Bunny is a very attractive woman," he told me, then turned back to her. "You should go on a date with me. You'd probably like me."

Bunny shrugged. "I probably wouldn't. But I'll go on a date with you." She flitted off again.

This bar talk was all very flip but I knew there had to be more.

"Do you think you'll ever fall in love?" I asked Sam.

"Yes, and I'll tell you how." His said earnestly. "I have a lot of woman friends and I'm trying to learn from them how to become a perfect guy."

Wow, that was pretty ambitious. How was he doing that?

"I go shoe shopping with them and stuff, hang out. I listen to them talk, hear what they want from guys. I fucked up all my past relationships because I was so naive. I didn't get the picture. Women need to be stroked. I get the picture now. "

Sam seemed genuinely baffled by women and sincere in his efforts to figure them out. My heart melted a degree or two.

"My friend Denise says I'm a great guy," he said, shaking his head. "I just need to find the right woman."

It was sort of pathetic, but it was also kind of sweet. At least the guy was trying - unlike his ringless friends over in the corner. I waved goodbye to Gracie, Bunnny and Warren.

It was time for this married chick to head home.

'Sam' confirms our worst fears about men

I've got some catching up to do. Before the holidays I arranged for my divorced pals, Warren and Bunny (one of the Posse chicks), to meet. Fellow Posse member Regina met Warren a while back, but I was especially curious to see how Warren and Bunny would get along because they are both very funny and - as you know from my prior posts - quite naughty. So, on the Thursday before Christmas we all met at The Happ Inn in Northfield. Even though it was early, the bar was packed.

Bunny was cute and frisky in jeans with a flowered knit cap pulled over her long blonde hair. Warren looked dapper in a cashmere jacket and funky specs. And as a bonus Gracie showed up too! Ooh, this would be great material. I pulled out my Sharpie no-bleed pen and notebook, and prepared to take some juicy notes.

But it wasn't so easy. The bar was really loud and even though Bunny and Warren seemed to hit it off, I couldn't hear a word of what they were saying. Plus, Bunny kept skipping off to corners of the room to greet all the people she knew. Gracie was deep in conversation with some guy, and I myself was attracting a lot of interest from men at the bar.

"What are you writing about?" they asked. "Are you a reporter? Where can I read your work?"

Bunny bounced over with a tall, good-looking dude in tow.

"Do you know who this is?" she squealed. "It's Man-Who-Needs-Haircut!"

The Posse chicks assign tribal names to guys they see regularly out on the town. Man-Who-Needs-Haircut looked just like Sam, the bartender played by Ted Danson on Cheers - lanky, athletic, with a good (but disheveled) head of hair. He looked to be in his early 50s.

"Sam" was a few drinks ahead of me and feeling talkative. "You should interview me," he said. "I'll tell you anything. What do you wanna know?"

I looked longingly over to Warren and Bunny who were cracking up and acting all flirty. I knew I was missing out on something good. But it was loud and crowded and I was lucky to have a stool. I turned to Sam.

"Okay, tell me why you got divorced."

"My wife never wanted to have sex, so I left," said Sam. Uh-oh.

"You mean she never wanted to have sex," I asked, "or just not all that often?"

"She said I was lucky to be getting it once a week - I told her I needed more sex than that. I said, look if you don't satisfy me, I'm going to go out and get it." He took a swig of his drink. "She told me good luck. So I did."

Then Sam explained that even though his relationship with his wife basically ended then, they stayed married for years until their kids left for college three years ago. During that time, he played around. Frequently. And close to home.

"I provided the women in the neighborhood with a service," he told me. "They weren't getting enough, I wasn't getting enough. Everybody's needs were satisfied. I saved a lot of marriages."

I gulped. "You're like a woman's worst nightmare!" I said. "You're confirming all our fears about men."

"You should fear. You should fear for your lives," said Sam. "I've got married friends and when we go out together, they take off their rings. They're just like Tiger. He's a regular guy -and regular guys cheat."

On that ominous note, I'll put my conversation with Sam on pause. But there's more, oh yes, there's more. Check back in a few days and I'll give you the surprising wrap up!

Until then, cheers.

Oh Tiger. What makes powerful men cheat?

Looks like Tiger Woods has joined a long list of prominent, powerful men who have cheated on their beautiful and/or brilliant wives. Amid reports of an affair with at least one other woman, Tiger released a statement on his website yesterday which said:

"I have let my family down and I regret those transgressions with all of my heart. I have not been true to my values and the behavior my family deserves."

Gee, Tiger, exactly what do you regret? Having a three-year affair with a Las Vegas cocktail waitress or sending her the numerous texts and voicemail messages she's using against you in the tabloids?

All these cheating men - David Letterman, Mark Sanford, Eliot Spitzer, just to name a few - express deep regret. Once they're caught.

I'm tired of hearing about actors, politicians, athletes and their sleazy affairs. But I have to wonder - what makes these famous guys do it? Because of their visibility, the stakes are especially high when their infidelities are exposed. Not only do they risk their marriages; they risk scandal, public humiliation and professional ruin.

According to Psychology Today's Love Doctor, Terri Orbuch, powerful men are likely to cheat for a number of reasons:

1. They think they're invincible.

2. They have more opportunities for temptation (through travel and accessible women.)

3. They're adrenaline junkies and like excitement and challenge.

4. They are surrounded by enabling yes men.

5. They want variety/change.

Oh, I get it. They're big, confident studs who need to express their masterful type-A selves to a wide variety of women. The very qualities that make them successful make them more likely to stray.

Supermodels beware! That famous ball player or rock star may be wealthy and hot, but he's likely to break your beautiful heart. Maybe you should consider a hard-working accountant instead.

I don't endorse this site for married cheaters

At a dinner party last week, I met a lawyer who told me about a dating site for married people called Ashleymadison.com. A woman had come to his office seeking to sue the founder of the site.

"He stole my idea," she claimed. "I was going to start a service for people who wanted to have affairs."

My new lawyer friend wouldn't take her case. In his legal opinion, people having affairs is an age-old pursuit that can't be copyrighted.

Noel Biderman, the founder and CEO of Ashley Madison, agrees that cheating is a fact of life and defends his site by saying it doesn't create promiscuous behavior, just helps keep it honest.

"Some people say it promotes promiscuity," he said. "But if you don't do it, you get behavior that's way more harmful to society. Infidelity has been around a lot longer than Ashley Madison."

He believes that hearing about the service in a commercial is not going to persuade anyone to have an affair. "It's a decision they've come to already. All I'm saying is, don't do it in the workplace where it could result in someone losing their job, don't go to a singles dating service and lie about your status, don't hire a prostitute. Given that affairs are going to happen no matter what, maybe we should see Ashley Madison as a safe alternative." Jan 10, 09 LA Times

The company is having a little difficulty in the marketing department. Their slogan, "Life is short, have an affair" is obviously incendiary, and their TV ads, which depict racy trysts or unbearable marriages, have been banned by many stations. Still, the website boasts 3.5 million subscribers, so there's obviously consumer demand out there.

and....

I'm not in favor of extramarital affairs of any kind, but I find this approach especially yucky. It's so premeditated. Maybe I'm naive, but I like to think that people who have affairs do so because they slip up, or they're irresistibly drawn to a specific person - not that they've rationally decided the time has come to systematically sleep around.

But what do you think? Are there some marriages that are just so awful that cheating is justified?

Affair-Proof Your Marriage – Lessons from Cheating Politicians

Oh great, another politician caught cheating on his wife. South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford’s longtime affair was exposed last week after he returned home from an ambiguous holiday. Although aides claimed the gov had been hiking the Appalachian Trail, it turned out he had flown to South America to meet his Argentine mistress instead.

Sanford is just one in a long line of high-powered public servants caught with his pants down. John Edwards, Elliot Spitzer, and Bill Clinton also had extramarital relations, even though their wives were brilliant, supportive women and their marriages appeared rock solid. But for these educated public servants to risk so much for a piece of tail, their marriages must have really stunk, right?

Not necessarily. In a recent article, The New York Times reported that one of the strongest risk factors for infidelity “exists not inside the marriage but outside: opportunity.”

Male politicians certainly have opportunity. They travel, they meet a lot of people, they have power, they’re charismatic - women are attracted to them. According to Elizabeth Edwards, her husband’s relationship with Rielle Hunter began when the videographer told John Edwards, “You are so hot.” Not the most original line, but apparently it worked.

If even strong marriages are vulnerable to cheating, what’s a spouse to do? According to infidelity researcher and author Peggy Vaughan, the key to preventing affairs is for partners to honestly talk about their feelings of attraction to other people. According to Vaughan, discussing these attractions actually decreases the likelihood of acting on them, and “shedding the cold light of day on secret desires goes a long way toward diminishing their power.”

For the sake of my marriage, I’ll open up about my attractions to other guys. I confess, I did think the guy who hung our bathroom wallpaper was kind of cute. And as soon as my husband returns from his week-long business trip to Mexico, we’ll have a nice, honest discussion about it.


For more on cheating pols, check out my blog post from last year about Silda Spitzer.