Crazy in Your 40s? Honey, you're as normal as Pie

video image from amazon.com

The best-selling book, Yes, Your Teen is Crazy, explains that during adolescence, teenagers go through a volatile, hormone-driven period of bona fide mental instability. And you know what? Women in their forties do too.

During the years before menopause, estrogen levels can fluctuate wildly, resulting in mood swings, insomnia, forgetfulness, hot flashes, weight gain, and general freaking out. And even though the changes are perfectly normal, it's no fun feeling like you're going nuts.

You need to know about this phase, my Forty Fabulous friends, because it may affect you much sooner than you think. Thanks to more stressful lifestyles, symptoms are hitting women earlier than they did in our mothers' day.

"It used to be that a reliable guide to when you might expect menopause is when your mother experienced it. But the mothers of today's groundbreaking women knew nothing like the level of workplace stress and environmental toxins we live with today." Gail Sheehy, The Silent Passage.

In fact, many women start experiencing these symptoms in their early forties - even while they continue to have regular periods. I'm well down the path. In the last year I've had times of feeling weirdly at odds with my body. It's unpredictably hot, or bitchy, or tired, or horny, or bloated, or pumped up. I feel like I'm in hurricane season; constantly waiting for a storm to hit.

For women who don't know what to expect, it can be not only confusing, it can be depressing. In fact, Sheehy found in her extensive research, that on average, women reported the poorest sense of well-being at age 47 (exactly my age when I started talking about this midlife crisis.) The hormonal stuff is disconcerting enough, but when combined with the big changes that come at this time of life - kids leaving home, parents becoming more dependent, marriages being renegotiated - it's no wonder that women in their late forties feel stressed out.

The good news is that that the downer is only temporary. Sheehy found that women rebound in their fifties, and have the highest sense of well being compared to any other stage of their lives at age fifty-three!

"A profound change in self-concept begins to register with rising exhilaration for many women as they move into their fifties," Sheehy writes. "They often break the seal on repressed angers. They overcome the habits of trying to be perfect and of needing to make everyone love them." 

Yippie! Look, I have no desire to become the menopause poster child, but I do think this topic is unnecessarily taboo. No one wants to admit to experiencing these changes; just mention the word and watch your girlfriends shudder in revulsion. I think we're afraid that  going through menopause means crossing over to irrelevancy and cronedom.

How comforting to know that our happiest, most exhilarating years are still ahead!

Is a Midlife Crisis all about Sex?

As I continue to create my own midlife crisis, this exploration is suddenly resulting in many connections and coincidences - discoveries that are kind of amazing - and the unifying theme here is none other than sex.


The classes I'm taking, the books I'm reading, the people I'm meeting, the dreams I'm having -  the stars are aligned. My new  guru has an S-Factor pole in her living room and attends conferences with Shameless author Pamela Madsen. My friends are scheduling Enamour photo shoots, sex toy parties, and romantic getaways. They're getting frisky, taking ownership, celebrating themselves. Which all leads me to conclude -


A midlife crisis is all about sex.

Dana Delany is a chick who clearly
feels sexy (pic  from IMDb.com)

It's not a complete shocker that I've come to this conclusion. After all, the two things I write about are 1) middle age (here at Forty Fabulous) and 2) sex and relationships (over at Makeitbetter.net.) I have fun exploring titillating topics, but I've never felt that sexuality was my main focus. I've seen it as just one tool - along with curiosity, courage, wit, and generosity - for a mature chick to get it going on.

But when I get specific about what it means to have it "going on," I mean a woman who feels great about herself, is excited by life, is physically, emotionally and intellectually alive, who connects with others and has a rockin' good time. A woman who is sexy! Someone like Dana Delany, pictured, who at 55 seems to embody all those traits. She obviously feels like one smoking hot babe. Do you?

I do!

       Well, sometimes.

                   Lately not so much....

                            Thus my midlife crisis.

Like pretty much everybody, sexuality is an important aspect of my identity. The idea of going through the next half of my life not feeling hot is a bleak prospect. I don't mean other people thinking I'm hot (although, feel free.) I don't even mean having lots of hot squealy-pig sex (though I'm a fan.) I mean feeling hot about myself and feeling connected to that electric vibe that runs through my core, the sense of anticipation that says - hey I'm ready, everything is possible, bring it on!

Because when you feel like that, age is irrelevant.

The job here is to figure out how to dial up that current; keep it zipping and zapping as long and strong as possible. At this point in life - with kids and hormones and bills and responsibilities - what's exciting? What's a turn-on now? It's not the same stuff that did it 20 years ago. Just a few of the things that get my pulse racing are singing onstage and dancing in the kitchen and interviewing someone fascinating and getting my husband to... Oops. I've promised to keep him out of this - at least as far as the blog is concerned.

Anyhow, I intend to have a lot  of fun exploring this area. Check back soon, because I'm going on a retreat where I hope to gets lots of inspiration. Til then, have a sexy weekend!

My month of contemplation has unwanted side effect

Introspection is making me sleepy

One week into my new theme and my pronouncement is: March stinks. Even though I had high hopes for getting quiet, centered and introspective,  I just can't wrap my mind around this theme. I was sure that if I calmed down, tuned out all the noise, and paid attention to my feelings and conscience I'd discover - well, some sort of enlightenment or higher purpose.  I've cut out the TV and news and excess internet surfing. Instead I've been reading and journaling and attempting to meditate and all I feel is .... sleepy. I can't keep my eyes open.

It's weird. Normally I bolt out of bed at 5:00 a.m. (I'm the mother of a swimmer, we have early wake-up calls), pound three cups of coffee and hit my day running. But this week, I've been letting my kid fend for himself, sleeping past my alarm, even taking afternoon naps - something I've never been able to do if I tried.

You know, all this quiet and contemplation might be leading me to one  earth-shattering epiphany after all. I haven't been getting enough sleep!

Sleep deprivation has serious health risks, especially for women. According to a recent WebMD article, lack of sleep is linked to hypertension,  Type 2 diabetes, weight gain and depression.  Women are more susceptible to these problems, probably because of our hormones. Maybe it's not such a bad thing that I've been conking out so much.

Even though I'm disappointed with my progress, I'm going to stick with this month's theme.  I still hold out hope for some deep revelations or ah ha moments, which I'll be delighted to share the minute they occur.

But for now, I'm going back to bed.

Organizing Finances & Files - What to keep, what to shred

Kelley Long, Financial Coach

I'm in charge of most of the day-to-day finances in our household and I'm ashamed to say I kind of suck at it. Staying on top of the influx of statements and receipts and bills and filing is a tedious chore that I dread. 

I've already learned from organizer Colleen Collins Josellis that I need to allocate more time to paperwork, which is certainly helping. But I've turned to Kelley Long, a Financial Coach and CPA,  for expert advice on what to do with all of those financial documents once they hit my desk. 

When it comes to getting organized, no area can be more intimidating and nerve-wracking than your finances. Kelley, who works primarily with women, says "It can be very emotional; clients are often fearful and embarrassed about what they don't know."

Unfortunately, staying in the dark doesn't make the issues go away. "They'll only stress you out more later," says Kelley, "so it's better to face the initial pain and take control." Kelly helps her clients get a grip on their finances so they can assess their situation and begin taking steps toward where they want to be.

Here are her answers to some of my most pressing questions.

What documents do I need to keep and for how long?
Kelley offers these guidelines:

• Receipts - at least until they've cleared your credit card or bank statement; longer for return or warranty purposes. 
• Monthly Bills - at least until they show as paid the next month. If you want to compare, keep up to a year on file. Longer if you use a home office deduction.
• Pay stubs - until receive W-2.
• Bank & Credit Card Statements - 2 years
• Investments & Life Insurance - Keep monthly statement until you receive quarterly, quarterly until you receive annual. Keep annual statements for the life of account.
• Tax Returns & Supporting Documents - 7 years
• Home or condo paperwork & documentation of improvements/repairs - as long as you own home.

I don't have room in my desk for all those files!
Only keep your current files in your workspace (last 12 months.) The older files should be boxed, labeled and put in the basement or accessible storage area.

Do I need to rent a safety deposit box? And what documents should go in it?
"Forever" documents like birth certificates, passports, Social Security card, Marriage license, Divorce decree, Will, Trust, Power of Attorney, transcripts and diplomas should be kept either in a safety deposit box or a fireproof safe in your home.

Can I just recycle my old statements and bills?
No! I've seen very well-dressed people digging through my dumpster on trash day. To protect against identity theft, it's important to shred any account information that has your identifying information on it (name and address.) You can recycle the shreds.


Are there some things I don't need to hang onto?
There's no reason to keep user manuals or stock and mutual fund prospectuses because they're all available online now. As for warrantees, it depends on the item and if it's worth the hassle to get it fixed.


After talking with Kelley I have a much better understanding of how to organize my files. Now armed with my labeler, my three inboxes, my shredder and fireproof safe (from Target, where else?) I am ready to assume control of my household finances!

But Kelley had one last piece of advice, the same she gives to all her clients.

"I tell everyone who is beginning a new organizing system to take it easy on themselves. It's a big change, like going on a diet. Don't feel bad the first time you slip up, just get back on track."

Note: Kelley works with her clients on a session basis; she doesn't sell products or collect commissions. She lives in Chicago can be reached at her website: kelleyclong.com.

Other related posts:
http://fortyfabulous.blogspot.com/2011/02/expert-tips-to-organize-your-time.html
http://fortyfabulous.blogspot.com/2011/02/paperwork-filing-and-bills-oh-my.html

Time to Clear Out - Making Room for My MidLife Crisis

Welcome to February! If you live in Chicago, you're still digging out from the blizzard of the century, but here at FortyFabulous we're beginning a clean-up of a different sort. This month's theme is all about getting rid of the stuff that weighs us down - the clothes, the objects, the paperwork, the time commitments, the assumptions.

If it's going to be a year of meaningful change, I need to create room for my crisis! And that means approaching my daily life differently.

 "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." - Albert Einstein

I'm really excited, because I found the best expert to help me tackle the task - Colleen Collins Josellis, owner of Organized Chaos. She started her business six years ago when she went through something of a midlife crisis herself. She'd had a long career as a clinical social worker, then taken time off to raise for her four boys, now 16, 14, 11 and 11 (yes, twins.) Once the twins hit first grade, she needed to return to work, but wanted to be home for her sons after school.

"I carved out some time for self analysis," Colleen tells me. "I asked myself - what do I do well? How can I use my strengths to earn enough money and still have the flexibility I want?" Since she'd been organizing people for free all her life, doing it professionally was the natural next step.

I met with Colleen on February 1, the morning before the storm hit. This chick is so passionate about organizing it's absolutely invigorating. In an hour and 15 minutes, she gave me so much powerful, actionable information that it's going to take me a couple posts to share it all with you.

But here's the surprising starting point when it comes to organization. It's not how you handle your stuff. It's how you handle your TIME.


"Schedules are like closets," says Colleen.  "Most disorganization comes from poor time management."

We're going to talk about this concept more in my next post, and please stay with me. Getting organized may sound dry and boring, but it's one of the most uplifting, thrilling things you can do for yourself, and unlike a diet or a budget - the results are immediate.

That's why Colleen loves her job. "When you start getting organized, it goes to other parts of your lives immediately. After I've worked with them, my clients are so happy! We're hugging and crying, they're so excited. It's wonderful to have a job that energizes you."

I've already started implementing Colleen's tips on how to effectively manage my calendar, paperwork, meal planning and belongings, so check back soon. February is gonna be a great month. I'm making room for a new me!

Creative Crisis Step 1- Befriend Your Body

Photo from Dove Campaign for Real Beauty

In my quest to create a fulfilling midlife crisis for myself, (see below) one of the first things I want to deal with is my body. Things, as Dylan would say, they are a changin'.


Long ago, when I was on my high school Speech team, I did a reading from Ray Bradbury's story, Fever Dreams, about a kid diagnosed with Scarlet Fever who couldn't get anyone to believe his body was actually being taken over by alien microbes. Dude, I can relate.


I've been able to handle the cosmetic changes that come with middle age fairly well - the lines, the gray hair, the weight gain. But when I break into a drenching sweat in the middle of the night or can't make out the numbers on my alarm clock in the morning, I get this serious sense of disconnect. Hot flashes and cheaters don't fit with my vibrant, vixenish image of myself.


Since having a physical exam a few weeks ago, things have gotten worse. For the first time, I have conditions and they require managing. According to my doctor, I  better shape up, cut out the fat, increase the calcium, take supplements and stop drinking so much wine or I am going to die a lot sooner than I should - which seems radically unfair because I only realized last year that I was going to die at all.


Okay, so my body has some new stuff going on. We women are used to our bodies transforming, reacting and adapting - to the time of the month, to pregnancy, to our emotions. Is this stage of life really any different? Anyway, whatever shape my body is in, I need it! I have big plans for this year and I want to have the strength, energy, focus, and zest to carry them out. 

January seems to be the right time of year to focus on issues of the physical self, so that's what I'm going to write about this month. I'm going to investigate the changes that affect women's bodies after 40. My goal is to appreciate where I am, learn how to take good care myself, and ultimately, feel comfortable in my 47 year-old skin. 

Middle age is not an alien invasion - it's not even a decline. One part of our bodies, our brains, are still growing. In her book The Breaking Point, Sue Shellenbarger says "new discoveries in neuroscience support the behavioral evidence that growth and development can reignite in middle age."

Gals, my synapses are firing and my brain is sprouting dendrites like crazy. So check back soon because we are going to have some big ass fun exploring one of our biggest assets - our bods!

What women really want from their true loves for Christmas

Inspired by "The Twelve Days of Christmas" I've teamed up with fellow blogger Meredith Sinclair (hoo-dee-hoo.com) and some festive friends to express what we chicks would truly adore from our guys this year.

Whether you've been naughty or nice (or a bit of both,) here's wishing you a holiday season filled to the brim with love, laughter, and of course - great gifts!



If you're thirsting for a "Well-shaken pink Pomtini" click here for the Martha Stewart recipe.

Is this fair? Ads for female equivalent of Viagra can't run on TV

This weekend when my husband and I were in Napa, I came across an article in the San Francisco Chronicle describing a sexual double standard that made me mad.

According to the Chronicle, two women have developed a botanical topical oil called Zestra, designed to help women "heighten their sexual intimacy." Semprae Labs co-founders Rachel Braun Scherl, 45, and  Mary Jaensch, 58 - both married mothers - developed the product in response to research that tens of millions of American women have sexual difficulty and no way to treat it.

Zestra is an all natural product targeted to women who just aren't feeling it like they used to. One Zestra ad (see below) says the oil will "help you feel the way you used to when sexual arousal just happened naturally - without doing anything, without thinking about it, without trying not to think about anything else."

Um, I'm not admitting to anything here, but does that include not thinking about picking up the dry cleaning or worrying that my kid needs a ride home from the mall? Tell me more.

Unfortunately, most women have never heard of Zestra's benefits, because many network and cable TV stations won't run the ads.

We're no stranger to products to help men's problems in the bedroom. Ads for Viagra, Cialis, and Levitra are everywhere. The ads clearly communicate that men deserve lifelong sexual gratification and the complications that come with age require medical treatment. The commercials, with images of couples dancing romantically or sharing hilltop baths, also imply that a man's ability to sustain erection will not only bring great satisfaction to him, but to his appreciative partner as well.

But when it comes to promoting a product designed to help a woman achieve more pleasure, the TV stations refused. From the Chronicle article:

Laura Grindstaff, an associate professor of sociology at UC Davis, said many cultures are uncomfortable with the idea of female sexuality outside reproduction and motherhood.

"When you see naked women bounding around in any music video or open a magazine and see ads for cars or cosmetics, half-naked women are everywhere," Grindstaff said. "That is not women's sexuality. What you see is completely bound up and constructed by male ideas of what women's sexuality ought to be. An ad like Zestra's, with no men in it, about women's pleasure for the sake of pleasure, is threatening."

Maybe that's what the stupid TV execs think, but when I researched my article "What Men Really Want," I learned that most men would love for their women partners to feel sexier and more aroused. So maybe banning Zestra ads from television is unfair to both men and women.

If you're interested in what the flap is all about, check out this Zestra commercial.

Intriguing, no? The product is available online at zestra.com or at places like Wal-Mart and K-Mart. I haven't tried it (yet), so I'm not endorsing it. I just think women and men should have equal opportunity when it comes to good sex.

Picture this: the hot model in the glossy photo is YOU

Look through your photo albums or files. Do you like the way you look? How many of your pictures portray you at your best - as radiant, confident, sexy and gorgeous?

Not many I bet. In fact, I bet you're hardly in many of them, because we women are often the ones taking the pictures of everybody else.

Yeah, the kids look cute and the scenery is beautiful. But don't we deserve to have some pictures of ourselves where we aren't squinting into the wind, serving up birthday cake, or wearing a clown costume?

 Francesca relaxes as Sylvi applies her make up.

We're surrounded with images of beautiful, sultry women like Jenifer Aniston, Christina Hendricks, and Halle Berry. But even for those lovely actresses, flattering photographs take effort. They've been professionally made up, lit, posed, and retouched.

Here on the North Shore, you can get some of that star treatment for yourself.  Sylvi Davidson and Gina Sanders of Enamour Photography in Highland Park are devoted to bringing out the inner and outer beauty of regular chicks like us and capturing it on film. Women of all ages, sizes and stages come to them for an intimate photo session designed to showcase and celebrate their unique beauty.

I had the opportunity to join them as they prepped Francesca, a 44 year-old wife and mom, for her Enamour experience.

Francesca was hesitant about doing what's known as a "boudoir photography" session at first, but she's had a tough year. Work, parenting and helping a family member through an illness had left her exhausted and stressed out.

"I'd like to do something special and intimate for myself," she said, "To remind me of who I am."

Francesca was a bit nervous about posing provocatively. "I'm worried that I might look or feel silly," she said. "But I know Gina and Sylvi will make me feel comfortable."

Gina tests the lighting for the shoot.

That's for sure.  Gina, Enamour's photographer, and creative director/make-up artist Sylvi are incredibly nurturing, positive and passionate about their work. Their goal for a shoot is to create a safe haven where their client can relax and celebrate herself.

"We make our client the center of attention - and she loves it," said Sylvi.

"We help her see all the little parts of herself that are beautiful," added Gina. "Women on the North Shore are very critical of their appearance. Here, they are lifted up, not put down."

The experience can be powerful and transforming. Many women, when they first see their portfolio and how sensuous and plain hot they look, burst into tears.

 "They've never seen themselves this way before," said Sylvi. "This is girl therapy."

Francesca was hopeful she'd feel the same way. "I feel like I look good," she said, "but I'm not that confident. I'd like to push the boundaries today. I  hope to discover something deeper about my inner self. And, I'd like to have fun!"

I didn't stay for the shoot itself, but the lead-up was nothing but fun. Sylvi applied gorgeous, dramatic make-up to Francesca, and she and Gina helped Francesca select a variety of sexy (but tasteful) outfits to pose in. While some Enamour clients do choose to pose in the nude, that wasn't Francesca's plan. Her shoot was going to be in the style of old Hollywood glamour.

"I hope I look fabulous," she said, beginning to get excited. "I'd like to have a couple nice pieces to share with my daughter one day, to show her you can be beautiful inside and out at any age."

Of course, Francesca's husband is looking forward to seeing the photographs too. Check back in a few days to see the results of Francesca's shoot as we share some of her favorite shots here.

For more information about Enamour, visit their website at www.enamourphotography.com.

Late Life Lesbians. Let's Discuss.

It has been a hot topic all over the airwaves lately - on Oprah, the Today Show, and The View. Women who had traditional marriages and families are leaving their husbands for other women.  

Cynthia Nixon and Christine Marinoni

Okay, I admit it, this is a trend I'm curious about. I'm married, I'm a mom, I've always been attracted to men and I'm hot for my husband. Is there something about middle age that's going to make me start playing for the other team?


Sex and the City actress Cynthia Nixon spent 15 years with the father of her two children before falling in love with education activist Christine Marinoni in her late thirties. Had Nixon always been a lesbian? She says no.

"It wasn't something in me that was waiting to come out. It was like, this person is undeniable. How can I let this person walk by?"

Meredith Baxter, who played the liberal mom from the hit 80's TV show "Family Ties," was married three times and had five children. It wasn't until she was in her mid-fifties that she realized that she preferred being with women. She spoke with Matt Lauer about the experience on the Today Show.

"I am a lesbian, and it was a later-in-life recognition," Baxter said. " I got involved with someone I never expected to get involved with, and it was that kind of awakening.  I never fought it because it was like, oh, I understand why I had the issues I had early in life. I had a great deal of difficulty connecting with men in relationships.”

While Elisabeth Hasselbeck of The View thinks women turn to other women in middle age because "all the older men are going for younger women, leaving the older women with no one" (click here to see her make her case to astonished co-host Joy Behar) I highly doubt desperation for companionship is the motive.

According to Shayna Goldstein, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, who specializes in LGBT issues at the Family Institute of Northwestern University,  women who leave their marriages for other women tend to follow two paths. The first group of women, like Cynthia Nixon, feel they happened to fall in love with a person who happens to be female. Their romantic feelings are specific to an individual and they don't necessarily identify themselves as lesbian.

The second group of women have known they were attracted to other women for a long time, but never gave themselves permission to act on those feelings. It isn't until later in life - when they'd developed more self-awareness and confidence - that they were able to admit and act upon their true desires.

When writing about this topic for an upcoming issue of Make it Better Magazine, I interviewed Maureen Watson, a dynamic gallery owner and former business executive who lives with her female partner of eight years in Florida. Maureen, 62, has been married twice - spending a total of 25 years with her two husbands. When she was younger, she liked men and had satisfying physical relationships with them, but in between marriages, she also had "flings" with women.

"When I wasn't with a man, I was with a woman," she told me.

But Maureen was brought up in a strict Catholic household and in her community it was inconceivable that a woman be with another woman. So, despite having had female encounters, it wasn't until she was 48 and divorced for the second time that Maureen allowed herself to fall in love and have a real, committed relationship with a woman. She she decided to tell the people close to her about her relationship.

"I realized, I'm older now, so who the hell cares what people say? And society had become more accepting," she said. Her conservative parents certainly had.

"My mother simply said, 'that's nice dear, you always did think differently, now what should we have for lunch?'"

Since then, Maureen has only been with women and has no intention of dating men - "Relationships with women are just much more interesting!" - but coming out as a lesbian has been a gradual process that even talking to me for this interview is a part of.

"It's an evolution of finding out who you are," she said. She thinks sexuality falls along a bell curve. "Some of us are probably born gay and some of us are born hetero, but the rest of us fall someplace in between. It's hard to label yourself."

Labels about women's sexual orientation may becoming a thing of the past anyway. There's a new concept emerging called "sexual fluidity." In her book, Sexual Fluidity: Understanding Women's Love and Desire, psychologist Lisa Diamond presents a study of women who have had relationships with both men and women over time, but don't fit into any fixed definition of gay, straight, or bi-sexual.

Would love to hear your thoughts on this one, girls!

It's fun, it's healthy, and you're never too old for it...

...it's sex of course! Check out my recent article from Makeitbetter.net.

Sexy at Every Age

In the 2003 movie “Something’s Gotta Give,” audiences were surprised and delighted to see Diane Keaton and Jack Nicholson get steamy between the sheets.

Last year, audiences were titillated by Meryl Streep and Alec Baldwin’s lusty bedroom antics in “It’s Complicated.”

The popularity of these movies underscores two things: 1) mature adults (especially women) are all too rarely depicted as passionate or sensual in the media, and 2) people with their AARP cards are still very interested in getting it on.

Sex for the health of itWell, why not? Healthy adults can have pleasurable sex lives at any age, and they should. According to Wilmette internist Dr. Todd Newberger, sex is always good for you.

“Physical intimacy is an enormous part of healthy adult relationships,” he says. “It helps people maintain closeness and feel young and vibrant.” And there are real health benefits as well. “If the equipment is being used, it is likely to keep performing well.”

Sex is particularly beneficial to men – it keeps their prostate healthy. Newberger will jokingly write prescriptions for men over 65 saying “more orgasms” to take home to their wives.

Older couples have advantages when it comes to maintaining an active sex life. With their kids grown, they have more privacy and time to focus on their relationship.

Mamie, 66, from Deerfield, says of her marriage to Ted, 62, “An important part of our identity as a couple is that we are lovers.” Yet, she admits that when she and Ted visit kids and grandchildren, it’s harder to wrap her mind around sex. “Ted will say, `I can see you’ve switched into mother mode now.’”

However, the physical changes that come with age mean that mature adults have to change their attitudes about what comprises a satisfying sexual encounter. Certain positions or activities may become less comfortable or even impossible. And while Viagra has helped men maintain their vigor, women don’t always appreciate its one-sided benefits.

Dr. Newberger encourages his male patients to include their wives in the Viagra decision and reminds them, “There isn’t just one way to satisfy your wife.”

Mamie and Ted enjoy being creative. They’ve both had hip replacements, so they can’t swing from chandeliers, but they aren’t shy about integrating videos or battery-operated devices to perk things up. Mamie bought some special lingerie to surprise Ted on their anniversary. “It’s important to keep things fresh,” she says.

Men and women who become single after many years of marriage can find the current sexual landscape both confusing and exciting. The rules of courtship from their youth no longer apply.

While the abundance of partners and relaxed sexual mores might be fun to experience for the first time, sex at any age comes with risks. According to Newberger, the incidence of sexually transmitted disease (STDs) in retirement communities is the same as on college campuses. In other words, sexually active older adults no longer have to worry about pregnancy, but they still have to act responsibly.

Weighing in on the Scale of Success

Do you weigh yourself every day? I do. Each morning, before I've had so much as a sip of coffee, I strip down to my underwear and - gripping the bathroom counter - gingerly lower myself onto my digital scale. Then I hold my breath and wait for the number to flash.

In that split second, my whole day hangs in the balance. Am I good, am I acceptable? Can I go forth and face the world with confidence? Or am I a big bad fatty?

Yesterday, I read one of my old journals and realized I've been using the scale to measure my worthiness for my entire adult life.

Here's what I wrote 16 years ago:

Fat = Failure

Back then I'd just turned 31, had a baby, and was overwhelmed trying to balance the demands of my job, my marriage and motherhood.

I hadn't had a full night's sleep in months, I felt weepy and insecure. I felt like I was struggling on all fronts - I was the first person to leave the office at the end of the day, yet the last mom to pick up her kid from day care.

And the sure sign that I was a loser was the number on the scale, eight pounds over my "ideal" weight. Eight pounds may not sound like much, but to me they represented all my flaws - my laziness, my lack of discipline, and my general unworthiness.

But here's the thing that got me: my weight back then was exactly what I weigh today.

Is it possible that I've spent the last 16 years beating myself up over the same eight pounds? What a freaking waste of time. You'd think by now I would have either A) lost the stupid weight or B) stopped worrying about it.

The obsession over weight is narcissistic self-sabotage. What if, instead of looking to the scale to validate myself, I looked in the mirror every morning and said "hey gorgeous"? What if I opened the window and took a deep breath of fresh air and said "Zippity doo da, it feels great to be alive!" Why choose to start the day with a harsh self-judgment that more often than not makes me feel lousy?

Well, I'm not doing it anymore. I'm not going to let the scale tell me how I can feel about myself. My weight is just a tiny facet of who I am, and by focusing on it I dishonor all the other qualities that make me me.

So screw you scale! You may measure pounds, but you're no measure of success.

I'm off to have a Zippity doo da day.

Divorced Guys want Romance Too

After talking to Vince, Armando and Marlon, three recently divorced North Shore men, I learned that men aren't just out for sex; they want romance too. Especially after going through an ego-crushing divorce. Vince is in a new relationship and it's almost too good to be true.

Vince met this wonderful woman through friends - the bar scene was not for him. When it was clear that his marriage was finished, he asked everyone he knew to set him up. The result was an introduction to 45 year-old Claudia (not her real name) and they instantly clicked.

"There was immediate physical attraction within the first 30 seconds," said Vince. "But not only was she attractive, she was easy to talk to, with no games or pretense."

Since meeting a few months ago, their relationship has blossomed. The sex has been phenomenal, but that's not what's most exciting to Vince. He's enjoying the dance, the courtship, the romantic process that gets lost when you've been married for a long time. And, as he says,

"It's fucking nice not to be treated like an old pair of socks for a change."

As we were talking at Bluestone, Vince got a text from Claudia. With a smile, he showed it to me. On the screen were the words -"I want to spend every waking moment with you."

"Wow, that's so sweet," I said, guiltily thinking of the boring, logistical texts I send my husband.

"She's awesome." said Vince. "She has really turned things around for me." He's very, very happy; his only worry is that they may have met each other too soon.

Armando and Marlon have also been dating and they both have experienced the euphoria of sex and romance with someone new.

"The first relationship after my divorce, I thought I was getting married," said Armando, who is no longer seeing that woman. "Now I'm trying to focus on friendships so I don't need to have a relationship." (Armando was definitely feeling friendship from the Posse the night he bumped into them. "Fresh Meat!" they'd squealed as they hugged and patted him.)

Marlon has been seeing his girlfriend, who is 40, for some time now. Falling in love with her helped him rediscover the compatibility, intimacy, and sense of adventure lacking in his marriage. But now practical considerations are creeping in. His girlfriend has young kids; Marlon's are older. Does he really want to get married and start all over with a new family?

"I'm happy with the relationship as it is," he said.

Ah, that's the problem with long-term relationships, I thought. How do you maintain the romance and excitement when there are carpools to drive and garbage to take out?

I took out my cell phone and texted my husband: I want to spend every waking hour with u.

A long pause, then Liam's reply: Ok, what's the joke?

Obviously, he wasn't buying it. I guess I'll have to come up with a different approach. In the meantime, check back in a day or so for more from the men!

Scroll down to read earlier posts about the divorced dudes and the women of The Posse!

After the Divorce - Rediscovering Sex

This is my second article about The Posse, a trio of hip, funny, attractive divorced moms living on the North Shore. To read my first post introducing them, click here.

Sex with their husbands had been bad for a long time, the Posse told me. It ranged from infrequent to icky. At the end, the women were merely going through the motions, not participating mentally or emotionally. They felt detached from the act, cut off from their bodies. With the divorce, all that changed.

"I was dead, dead, dead for years." said Regina. "Coming out of my marriage was like coming out of the desert." Bunny and Grace nodded and grinned in agreement. I signaled the waitress to bring us another round.

Fresh from the trauma of ending a marriage, the last thing the Posse chicks wanted was a serious relationship. They wanted to have a little fun, they wanted to feel alive again. Hell, they wanted to get laid.

And there were plenty of willing partners.

Bunny slept with her process server on the night he was supposed to deliver the final divorce papers to her husband. Grace hooked up with a hot parking valet who chauffeured her to her car at a friend's country club. Regina did the bump and grind with not one, but two 23 year-old guys (separately, not at the same time.)

These encounters made the newly single women feel reawakened, rediscovered, liberated! After years of sexual drought, this wasn't love, honey, this was therapy. The Posse women laugh when they tell these stories. They laugh at their audacious naughtiness, the unexpected thrills, and their newfound right to screw whoever they want, damn it, just to please themselves.

But the Posse isn't only out for casual sex, as refreshing as it was initially. These gals spend most of their time as hardworking single moms, not sex kittens, and they need meaningful adult relationships to sustain them. That's why Bunny, Regina and Grace all agree that the first fix-up a newly divorced woman needs is with other women in the same situation. To hang with, to laugh with, to support one another.

Next up - the suburban & single bar scene. Where to go, what to expect.

London Visit Opens my Eyes to the Burqa Issue

My family's few days in London were fascinating. The city is truly international. When my daughter's British soccer coach jokingly asked me how I "liked the English blokes" I had to pause. Other than a few taxi drivers and the Beefeater who gave the tour at the Tower of London, I didn't meet any. Like us, everyone we met seemed to be from somewhere else.

This was especially apparent at our hotel, the Mariott Marble Arch, located just off Edgware Road. The stretch of Edgware Road north of Marble Arch is the Arabic capital of London. The street is lined with colorful middle eastern cafes and shops, patrons smoking hookah pipes on the sidewalk, movies in Arabic playing at the Odeon. In addition to being the center of the large immigrant population, the area is a hub for visiting Muslim tourists. Many of the women at our hotel and on the street wore the hijab - headscarf and modest attire - which I have to admit, was a bit disconcerting. My head felt conspicuously bare.

As we settled into the neighborhood, it didn't take me long to realize that the practice of hijab is open to wide interpretation. Some women wore a simple headscarf over regular street clothes or jeans. Others wore the scarf with a full length tailored coat. Teenage girls pushed light gauzy scarves back on their heads to reveal glittery headbands. Other women wore full black robes, edged in gold trim. Many of the more covered women sported designer sunglasses and expensive bags. Their eyebrows were fabulous.

But a few women were completely covered by a burqa, and frankly, it made me uncomfortable. No, wait. It made me mad.

With their covered faces and shapeless limbs, the burqa-clad women seemed worlds apart from the rest of the London population, which I guess is the point, but it seems so cruel. The women had trouble walking down the street or opening their handbags - ultimately dependent on their companions for help to do the most basic things. And despite their helplessness, with no facial expressions to mitigate the severity of their heavy black veils, they looked sinister. I've since read that covered women suffer vitamin D deficiencies from not being exposed to sunlight. Could a woman possibly choose this attire for herself?

French President Nicolas Sarkozy doesn't think so. Recently, he announced that the burqa is not welcome in France. He claims the burqa, as well as the niquab which leaves the eyes uncovered, is "a sign of subservience and debasement" often forced upon Muslim women by their husbands and fathers. But it's not that simple.

Although hard to understand by Western standards, some Muslim women wear the burqa by choice, as a sign of religious devotion and commitment to their faith. These women claim that their robes, which do separate them from public society, bring them closer to God. Legislation against the burqa would violate these women's rights, no?

I don't know the answer, but I'll tell you this. It's a gorgeous summer day and I'm about to hit the beach. I'm going to display my hair, neck, arms, legs and even my flabby stomach for all the world to see. And while it may not bring me closer to God, it will certainly give me a chance to appreciate the beauty of nature, as well as dose of well-deserved vitamin D.

Sizing up my Competition

I started playing tennis four years ago and now I play on a mid-level women’s doubles team (4.0 level for you tennis players). There is a lot of variation in skill at this level. You’ve got former high school champs getting back to the game after twenty years. There are women in their sixties who have been playing tennis their whole lives. And enthusiastic middle-aged newcomers like me. So when my partner and I walk out onto the court for a match we really don’t know what to expect.

The first thing we do to size up our competition is check out how they look. Now, I’m not a physically intimidating person. By that I mean I am short. And not particularly buff. Almost everyone I face on the court is either taller or more muscular than me. So if you walked onto a tennis court and found that I was your opponent, you probably wouldn’t feel too worried. But in tennis, looks can be deceiving.

I found that out the hard way when my partner, Susan, and I were matched against a pair of wealthy-looking babes in their late fifties. Lipsticked up, with diamond tennis bracelets dangling from their wrists, the gals limped onto the court with their knee braces and ibuprofen. You knew they wouldn’t be able to do much sprinting. “Let’s just have fun, girls” they called as they popped open the new can of balls. I grinned confidently at Susan and murmured, “Let’s move the ball around. Make ‘em run.”

Yeah, right. Our opponents may have been older and less agile, but we were the ones doing the running. They placed their shots with the precision of surgeons. If I charged the net, they lobbed it over my head. If I hung back, they executed a perfect drop shot. They had spin, they had angles, and they had strategy. By the end of the first set, Susan and I were panting and dripping with sweat while our opponents’ lipstick wasn’t even smudged. After that match, every time I faced an older woman with a knee brace I knew I was in deep trouble.

So, now, when I meet my competition and see that they are 34 years old, six feet tall and as toned as Maria Sharapova, I tell myself not to worry. I’ve got a trick or two up my sleeve that might surprise them. I’m even thinking about getting my own knee brace.

Newly Sporty at Forty

Growing up, I didn’t play sports much. In the late 70’s, Title IX, the law banning discrimination in school sports, was far from being implemented in my small town high school. Most of the sports opportunities and glory belonged to the boys. In my mind, the highest athletic feat I could achieve was being a cheerleader. Instead of practicing my jump shot, I worked on pointing my toes during cartwheels and punching out precise arm moves. While it made for a pretty picture in my Lakeland High School yearbook, cheerleading hasn’t been of much use to me, especially lately.

Now that I’m in my forties my athletic prowess is being put to the test - and it’s coming up short. My husband and I have fallen in with a sporty group, the kind of people who play coed softball every Friday night, and beach volleyball every Sunday afternoon. For years we would come out to cheer them on (something I’m good at), mostly hoping to tag along to the post-game beer and hotdog parties. But this summer we were talked into joining a beach volleyball team. And let me tell you, it’s been pressure.

First of all, although everyone says these games are just for fun, they lie. The only purpose of the game is to win, preferably by crushing and humiliating your opponent. As a player, you’re very aware if you aren’t pulling your weight. The first six times I served, the ball plopped lamely into the net. Though my friend Tricia called out encouragingly, “Almost!” I couldn’t help but notice the guys on our team rolling their eyes and kicking sand.

When I wasn’t serving, I was never sure when it was my turn to hit. The ball would sail high over the net, and hang suspended in the wind. I’d squint up at it fearfully. Was it coming my way? Was I supposed to bump it or set it or something? Surely someone else would get it. Splat. The ball would land at my feet. “Oh, was that one mine?” I’d ask timidly. From my teammates’ silence, I gathered it was.

My husband was no help. Growing up in Ireland, he’d never played a day of volleyball in his life. Still, he was able to serve overhand and spike like a pro after only a few games. Apparently he had developed excellent hand-eye coordination in his hurling days. My toe pointing skills were not applicable to volleyball. For three weeks I had nightmares about being cut from the team. I had to try harder.

Eventually, my effort paid off. By the end of the summer I could get my serve over the net most of the time. When a ball came my way, I screamed “mine!” with gusto. I made mistakes, lots of them, but more often than not I kept the ball in play. As we neared the end of the season, our team was winning more and more.

One Sunday, Stephanie joined our team. Man, was she awful. She whacked the ball with such force it flew sideways into the parking lot. She whiffed, missing the ball completely. “Ha-Ha,” she tried to laugh, though her cheeks were burning. “Just for fun, right?” My teammates did some sand scuffing and eye rolling, but not me. I walked over to Stephanie and patted her shoulder. “Absolutely, Steph. And don’t worry, you just need a little practice. Let me show you the right way to bump.”

As I demonstrated the proper form, I thought about how far I’d come that summer. You know, there might be a competitive athlete in me yet.

Mid-Life Marriage Makeover

In August, my husband, Liam, and I celebrated our 16th anniversary at a posh restaurant. We toasted each other with champagne. “Here’s to another sixteen years!” Unfortunately, if we follow current trends, we aren’t likely to make it another nine. According to a study reported in Divorce Magazine, only 33% of couples that marry reach their twenty-fifth anniversary. While that does take into account spouses who die, the real culprit is divorce. And more people in their middle years are getting divorced than ever before.

People of all ages are divorcing more often - over half of all marriages now end in divorce. But the middle years are especially tough on a marriage. Studies show that these are the years when marital satisfaction can hit bottom. The decline in satisfaction is often caused by stressful events that occur at this stage of life like parenting teenagers, becoming empty nesters, caring for aging parents, and dealing with financial and career pressure. Also, unlike at younger ages when husbands are the most likely to do the leaving, the wife initiates two-thirds of divorces after age forty.

So statistically, I have a 2 out of 3 chance of getting a divorce in the next nine years and I’m likely to be the one filing the papers. This is scary. I never thought that my marriage might be in danger. But I do seem to have a lot of friends who are suddenly calling it quits. What they are going through is painful and messy, to say the least. If I want to avoid a sticky mid-life divorce, I guess I’m going to need to pay a little more attention to my relationship.

That’s just what Cathy Brody, marriage counselor and co-author of Renew Your Marriage at Midlife, says needs to happen on a regular basis. She says, “Marriage is a constant cycle of renewal and rebalance.” In order to survive, a marriage needs upkeep. But what is the goal? John Gottman, PhD, has been researching marriages for decades. He has found that “happy marriages are based on deep friendship.” This means that a couple shares mutual respect, enjoys each other’s company, and knows each other intimately.

Sounds good on paper, but how do we do that? After sifting through what the experts have to say, here are three things I plan to work on.

1. Do things together when we are both at our best.
I’m pretty sure I’m not at my best before 6:30am or after 10 pm, which are the main times I’m alone with Liam. To avoid only spending “leftover time” with your spouse, you need to plan fun things to do together. I’m booking a babysitter and buying us concert tickets for next weekend. I’m even looking into golf lessons.

2. Show Appreciation
I think Liam is a great guy, but I’m not sure if I’ve told him that lately. According to the experts, you can’t underestimate the power of sincere compliments or expressions of affection. No one likes being taken for granted.

3. Set Common Goals
According to the experts, teamwork and goal setting is essential for married couples. We used to do this. We used to have actual meetings when we wrote out what we wanted for our family, our relationship, and ourselves. But that was ten years ago and our lives have changed a lot since then. Now we tend to handle things on our own. It’s time to dust off the flip chart.

The realization for me is that if I want to make it to my 25th anniversary, I’m going to have to put some time and effort into making my marriage work. Hopefully, my husband will follow suit. The three areas I’m going to work on are just a few of many things you can do to liven up your relationship. My friend Suzanne has a recommendation that involves a blindfold and a cherry lifesaver. But I’ll save that one for another time.

Coolest So Far

Since I turned forty a couple of years ago, I’ve never been so cool. It’s been a surprise. I thought I’d basically be washed-up by now. But I’ve got it going on in ways I never did when I was younger. And looking around at my fellow forty-somethings, I see I am not alone. The forties are the coolest decade by far.

There isn’t any single recipe for being cool. But cool women usually have a few things in common. They like themselves a lot, show discerning taste and do interesting things with interesting people. It takes some effort to be cool. But it’s actually easier to achieve in your forties than any other decade.

20s – You think you’re cool but you’re not.

In your twenties, you’re young and good looking and have lots of enthusiasm for life. You’re out on your own for the first time and everything around you is new and exciting. All this action makes you think you’re cool. But you’re not.

The twenties are an age of worry and insecurity. The pressure of trying to fit in while you’re still figuring out who you are is intense. There are so many choices and decisions to make you’re overwhelmed. There’s even a term for this phase – Quarterlife Crisis. I certainly suffered from it. After graduating from the University of Michigan, I lived in three cities, worked for four companies, had seven different apartments and a half-dozen half-hearted relationships.

Without an established identity, you tend to be easily influenced by the media and trends. I quit my (second) job in Memphis and moved to Chicago based on how glamorous the city appeared in a brat pack movie called “About Last Night.”

All the turmoil makes for a very heightened, vivid time of life. But you can’t be cool if you don’t know who you are and like yourself for it. Hopefully, by the end of your twenties, you’ll begin to feel more confident. Then you can make informed choices based on discrimination and taste.

30s – Too tired for cool

No matter what level of cool you managed to achieve in your twenties, you are destined to lose it in somewhere in your thirties. Because inevitably, your discriminating choices start leading to more responsibilities. Your job becomes more demanding, you get married, buy a home, start a family. You suffer through pregnancy, lack of sleep, financial pressure and home maintenance.

You swap your Elle and Vanity Fair magazines for Parent and House & Garden. Taking care of your home and kids becomes your priority. You let yourself go to pot. You are flabby, worn out and just plain cranky. You’re too tired to exercise or go out for dinner and you can’t remember the last time you had sex.

As least that’s how it was for me when my kids were little. After a long day feeling inept at work and incompetent as a mother, I was wrecked. All I wanted to do was crawl into my flannel pajamas, slurp down a bowl of chocolate chip ice cream, and get and a good night’s sleep. As for being cool? I couldn’t have cared less.

40s - Discovering your Cool

Then, one day in your forties, standing in your sparkling, remodeled kitchen, you notice something strange. It’s quiet. The kids are in school, the dog is housebroken, and you’ve paid your Visa bill in full for nine months in a row. “What’s this?” you ask yourself uneasily.

Honey, I believe you’ve discovered TIME FOR YOURSELF.

When this blissful point arrives, a woman in her forties must take action. This is not a signal to defrost the freezer. You’ve put your hopes and dreams on the back burner for long enough.

You’ve got more time, more money and more self-knowledge than you did when you were younger. And suddenly, you really don’t care what other people think. You’re ready to take risks. This is your time to be cool!

Women I know are practically flaunting their newfound fabulousness. They are starting businesses, going back to school, exhibiting in art galleries, writing books. These grown-up babes look hotter than they ever did in their twenties or thirties. They understand their figures, dress well, pamper themselves and stay in shape.

Since turning 40, I’ve sung in a rock band, produced my own TV show, and played on a beach volleyball team. My younger self would have been too self-conscious or afraid to try these new things. It’s a combination of knowing myself and knowing how fast time goes by that makes me want to experience things right now.

The forties are definitely my coolest age so far. But I’m wondering about what comes next. Do we women keep getting cooler? Hey, you hip chicks in your fifties, sixties, and seventies – let me hear from you!