Men are insightful about midlife too

While I write from the female perspective, I love knowing that men are also thoughtful about the meaning of this time of life. My friend and former colleague (okay, boss!) Jim Sullivan is a leadership consultant who helps executives lead from the heart. His recent blog post about age not being the true measure of life really resonated with me. Here's an excerpt:

"Mae West was famous for saying “It’s not the men in your life, honey; it’s the life in your men.” That’s a funny way of saying that, in a heads-up trade-off, quality beats quantity any day.

So, I’ll offer this thought to a couple of days of brilliant blog posts from my gifted colleagues:

Your life is measured by what you pay attention to.

When you think about it, your attention is YOU. It’s literally your “life force.” It’s the energy you summon and give to the world around you.

It’s really the scarce resource in our lives. Not money. Not even time. It’s our attention."

Follow this link to read Jim's complete post, titled "What we Attend To."

Warren explains the primal urges of the human male

Warren, the man who loves women, adores women of all ages but understands why men want to date the young ones. It's survival of the fittest.

"In nature, the young bull elk challenges the old bull. Young bull forces old bull out," he explained. "Older men want to feel relevant, not like the old bull. By attracting the younger animals (women), we're powerful, in charge. Younger women make their guy feel like the young bull."

And it doesn't hurt that compared to the old cows (sorry, that's the term for female elk) younger women are hotter, less bitter, and baggage-free.

Oh, come on, I said. Surely men are more evolved than that?

Warren shook his head. "We're so fragile - a guy's ego when he gets older is like a piece of glass, which is painful, because we don't want to appear weak. Men feel sad and vulnerable and neglected too, but we'll never tell you. We keep up a facade of strength."

The other thing that keeps that old bull feeling at bay is sex. No surprise, but men want lots of sex and physical contact. When Warren is with a woman, he likes to touch her shoulder, and (here it is again) grab her ass. With that contact, he's telling her "I'm admiring you, I'm glad we're in the same room together."

"Yes, I want the jungle sex, the throw down," said Warren, but he craves the intimacy too. The combination "is like food to me."

It's the age-old quandary. Men need sex to feel intimate, women need intimacy to feel like having sex. Or, as Warren quoted, "Women need a reason. Men just need a room."

Warren is so successful with women because he's very willing to put in the work. But he expects the woman to reciprocate, and tell him honestly if there is something he should or shouldn't do.

"It's unfair to expect the other person to automatically know what you're thinking. You have to tell me, be honest." This seems to be a consistent plea from men to women.

Getting back to the old bull elk theory. Now that Warren is 50, he finds younger women less worth the time investment. "I want good company," he said. "I want a woman who is cool to hang out with - funny and smart and confident. Younger women don't have the life experience. Now I think, what are we going to do after we fuck? I'm 50, I don't have time to educate you."

It's good to know we old cows have got something going for us after all.

For more on my series on divorce and dating, scroll down through my blog.

And coming up next: I went out dancing with the Posse on Friday night! Check back for the latest scoop on Bunny, Regina & Grace.

Divorced Guys want Romance Too

After talking to Vince, Armando and Marlon, three recently divorced North Shore men, I learned that men aren't just out for sex; they want romance too. Especially after going through an ego-crushing divorce. Vince is in a new relationship and it's almost too good to be true.

Vince met this wonderful woman through friends - the bar scene was not for him. When it was clear that his marriage was finished, he asked everyone he knew to set him up. The result was an introduction to 45 year-old Claudia (not her real name) and they instantly clicked.

"There was immediate physical attraction within the first 30 seconds," said Vince. "But not only was she attractive, she was easy to talk to, with no games or pretense."

Since meeting a few months ago, their relationship has blossomed. The sex has been phenomenal, but that's not what's most exciting to Vince. He's enjoying the dance, the courtship, the romantic process that gets lost when you've been married for a long time. And, as he says,

"It's fucking nice not to be treated like an old pair of socks for a change."

As we were talking at Bluestone, Vince got a text from Claudia. With a smile, he showed it to me. On the screen were the words -"I want to spend every waking moment with you."

"Wow, that's so sweet," I said, guiltily thinking of the boring, logistical texts I send my husband.

"She's awesome." said Vince. "She has really turned things around for me." He's very, very happy; his only worry is that they may have met each other too soon.

Armando and Marlon have also been dating and they both have experienced the euphoria of sex and romance with someone new.

"The first relationship after my divorce, I thought I was getting married," said Armando, who is no longer seeing that woman. "Now I'm trying to focus on friendships so I don't need to have a relationship." (Armando was definitely feeling friendship from the Posse the night he bumped into them. "Fresh Meat!" they'd squealed as they hugged and patted him.)

Marlon has been seeing his girlfriend, who is 40, for some time now. Falling in love with her helped him rediscover the compatibility, intimacy, and sense of adventure lacking in his marriage. But now practical considerations are creeping in. His girlfriend has young kids; Marlon's are older. Does he really want to get married and start all over with a new family?

"I'm happy with the relationship as it is," he said.

Ah, that's the problem with long-term relationships, I thought. How do you maintain the romance and excitement when there are carpools to drive and garbage to take out?

I took out my cell phone and texted my husband: I want to spend every waking hour with u.

A long pause, then Liam's reply: Ok, what's the joke?

Obviously, he wasn't buying it. I guess I'll have to come up with a different approach. In the meantime, check back in a day or so for more from the men!

Scroll down to read earlier posts about the divorced dudes and the women of The Posse!