5 Ways to Feel Fine on a Fat Day

Do I regret overindulging?
Not so much.

I got on the scale this morning and ouch, it's gonna be a big fat day. Though I've vowed not to let the scale dictate my mood, every once in a while the number displayed there is undeniably bad news. And when that day comes two days before Thanksgiving, the situation isn't likely to improve anytime soon.

I've had fun packing on the pounds - the biggest contributing factor was a trip to Napa filled with lazy hours lolling under olive trees, spreading goat cheese on thin slices of baguette, and sipping glasses of chardonnay. I don't regret my excesses, but the extra fat rolls around my middle combined with an overall bloated feeling are not exactly making me excited to go out and greet the world.

Perhaps you might find yourself in the same position over the holidays. I've been here before (admittedly, not so early in the season) and I've got some tricks to boost my mood and distract myself from the unwanted flubber. Here are five tips to feeling fine on a fat day.

1. Pay attention to grooming. Fat days are perfect for taking care of oft neglected body parts like skin and teeth and nails. Feeling good is about more than weight, honey. Moisturize, slather on the self-tanner, try out a daring shade of nail polish. I just gave my teeth a good flossing and I feel lighter all ready.

Distracting myself from
weightier issues.

2. Don't torture yourself with tight clothes. Today is not the day for skinny jeans and a tucked-in shirt; they'll just make you crabby. Accommodate your extra curves with loose or stretchy clothing. A day spent in Lucy stretch yoga pants is a happy day. If you can't go sporty, try a billowy skirt over leggings or a forgiving long cardigan.

3. Adorn your head. The idea here is to keep everyone's eyes riveted above the neck. Change up your hairstyle, put on some eyeliner, wear dangly earrings, don a  funky chapeau. And most importantly, smile! People will be so entranced by your lovely countenance they'll never notice the newfound voluptuousness below.

4. Hydrate. I probably haven't gained an ounce, I'm just suffering from severe water retention. My plan is to chug water throughout the day. That way, every time I pee I'll feel like I'm losing weight!

5. It's not that big a deal. A couple pounds one way or another don't change your life that much, so skip the guilt and self-recrimination and go for a walk around the block. The fresh air will do you good.

Finally, when all else fails, consider Marjie's Incontrovertible Squirrel Theory. It's brilliant scientific logic will leave you feeling adorable all winter long.

Weighing in on the Scale of Success

Do you weigh yourself every day? I do. Each morning, before I've had so much as a sip of coffee, I strip down to my underwear and - gripping the bathroom counter - gingerly lower myself onto my digital scale. Then I hold my breath and wait for the number to flash.

In that split second, my whole day hangs in the balance. Am I good, am I acceptable? Can I go forth and face the world with confidence? Or am I a big bad fatty?

Yesterday, I read one of my old journals and realized I've been using the scale to measure my worthiness for my entire adult life.

Here's what I wrote 16 years ago:

Fat = Failure

Back then I'd just turned 31, had a baby, and was overwhelmed trying to balance the demands of my job, my marriage and motherhood.

I hadn't had a full night's sleep in months, I felt weepy and insecure. I felt like I was struggling on all fronts - I was the first person to leave the office at the end of the day, yet the last mom to pick up her kid from day care.

And the sure sign that I was a loser was the number on the scale, eight pounds over my "ideal" weight. Eight pounds may not sound like much, but to me they represented all my flaws - my laziness, my lack of discipline, and my general unworthiness.

But here's the thing that got me: my weight back then was exactly what I weigh today.

Is it possible that I've spent the last 16 years beating myself up over the same eight pounds? What a freaking waste of time. You'd think by now I would have either A) lost the stupid weight or B) stopped worrying about it.

The obsession over weight is narcissistic self-sabotage. What if, instead of looking to the scale to validate myself, I looked in the mirror every morning and said "hey gorgeous"? What if I opened the window and took a deep breath of fresh air and said "Zippity doo da, it feels great to be alive!" Why choose to start the day with a harsh self-judgment that more often than not makes me feel lousy?

Well, I'm not doing it anymore. I'm not going to let the scale tell me how I can feel about myself. My weight is just a tiny facet of who I am, and by focusing on it I dishonor all the other qualities that make me me.

So screw you scale! You may measure pounds, but you're no measure of success.

I'm off to have a Zippity doo da day.