Creative Crisis Step 1- Befriend Your Body

Photo from Dove Campaign for Real Beauty

In my quest to create a fulfilling midlife crisis for myself, (see below) one of the first things I want to deal with is my body. Things, as Dylan would say, they are a changin'.


Long ago, when I was on my high school Speech team, I did a reading from Ray Bradbury's story, Fever Dreams, about a kid diagnosed with Scarlet Fever who couldn't get anyone to believe his body was actually being taken over by alien microbes. Dude, I can relate.


I've been able to handle the cosmetic changes that come with middle age fairly well - the lines, the gray hair, the weight gain. But when I break into a drenching sweat in the middle of the night or can't make out the numbers on my alarm clock in the morning, I get this serious sense of disconnect. Hot flashes and cheaters don't fit with my vibrant, vixenish image of myself.


Since having a physical exam a few weeks ago, things have gotten worse. For the first time, I have conditions and they require managing. According to my doctor, I  better shape up, cut out the fat, increase the calcium, take supplements and stop drinking so much wine or I am going to die a lot sooner than I should - which seems radically unfair because I only realized last year that I was going to die at all.


Okay, so my body has some new stuff going on. We women are used to our bodies transforming, reacting and adapting - to the time of the month, to pregnancy, to our emotions. Is this stage of life really any different? Anyway, whatever shape my body is in, I need it! I have big plans for this year and I want to have the strength, energy, focus, and zest to carry them out. 

January seems to be the right time of year to focus on issues of the physical self, so that's what I'm going to write about this month. I'm going to investigate the changes that affect women's bodies after 40. My goal is to appreciate where I am, learn how to take good care myself, and ultimately, feel comfortable in my 47 year-old skin. 

Middle age is not an alien invasion - it's not even a decline. One part of our bodies, our brains, are still growing. In her book The Breaking Point, Sue Shellenbarger says "new discoveries in neuroscience support the behavioral evidence that growth and development can reignite in middle age."

Gals, my synapses are firing and my brain is sprouting dendrites like crazy. So check back soon because we are going to have some big ass fun exploring one of our biggest assets - our bods!

A New Phase of Fabulous

When I launched this blog three years ago, my first post was an essay titled "Coolest So Far" in which I described the many ways women are cooler in their forties than at any other time of life. When I wrote it I was 44, and honey, I was feeling fine. I'd discovered - why, hello there - ME again. And this middle aged version of me was fantastic!

Since then, FortyFabulous has been a celebration of a time of life that - in contrast to its frumpy image - has turned out to be surprisingly delicious.

I've addressed many topics that reflect what interests me in real life - sex, relationships, parenting, style, aging, technology, culture, and the arts. My goal has been to portray middle-aged women as the vibrant and vital hotties I know they are, so I've chosen upbeat topics and addressed them from a humorous and positive (even silly) point of view.

You won't find any discussion of serious illness, financial ruin, depression or disfunction here. There are plenty of other websites devoted to those weightier subjects, and god knows, the media makes aging out to be bad enough without my help.  I prefer to have fun and leave the angsty whining to someone else.

But.

Three years have passed, my 48th birthday looms, and the prospect of approaching a new decade is making me squirm. I know I should embrace life at any age and yes, my fifties could be every bit as fabulous as my forties. But a little bit of darkness is beginning to seep into my sunny perspective, and it too starts with an "F." It's Fear.

What am I afraid of? Well, death of course. But not just dying - I'm afraid of dying without purpose or without ever really daring to live. I'm afraid of not taking my shot. When you're looking at 50, you can no longer pretend that you've got all the time in the world to fulfill your dreams.

The evidence is everywhere. My body is changing and it's not just cosmetic. I've been as hale as a plough horse all my life, but this year I've developed high cholesterol, hot flashes, and a vitamin D deficiency. I can't keep weight off, I can't sleep, and - unless I have two pair of glasses and a flashlight handy - I can't see a fucking thing.

I look at my family and it's growing up around me. My 14 year-old daughter is blossoming into a young woman and my 17 year-old son is looking at colleges. They aren't going to need a lot of mothering for very much longer. My parents, thankfully healthy and active, are getting older too. They have full lives and meaningful pursuits, but they aren't shaking things up much. On the big stuff, they're living out the  decisions they made years back.

I did some significant reinvention in my 40s - went to grad school, started a new career, etc. - but I've also been lolling about enjoying myself. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate my life; I know I have it good. But now I've realized that I want more!  I want to arrive at 50 living the life I've always envisioned for myself, not sighing over lost chances or buried in regrets.

Much of what I'm feeling is characteristic of a midlife crisis. In her book, The Breaking Point, How Female Midlife Crisis is Transforming Today's Women, Sue Shellenbarger writes that for many women in their late 40s/early 50s,

"A feeling of urgency arises: Now is either the time to fulfill your dreams or give them up."

Realizing that time is limited is scary, but it's also motivating. Shellenbarger says a midlife crises can be cataclysmic or gradual, but either way it's transformative, bringing about change at a crucial time of life. While often typified as a sort of breakdown, it can actually be an incredibly creative experience and bring great growth. 

"The single biggest mistake people make is in not having a midlife crisis," says psychiatrist Lise Van Susteren, "It's a signal that you want more out of life. What a great thing."

OK then, I'm up for the challenge. It may mean a bit of a shift for this blog, but I'm going to face my snaky fears head on and create my own crisis. I'm going to make room for a new me - the best me - while accepting who I am and appreciating what I have. It's my project for 2011!

I do realize I'm not endlessly fascinating, so I don't intend to write only about my personal experiences. I'm going to consult the experts and the women who have gone before to uncover common wisdom, new perspectives, and alternate approaches to making a meaningful transformation at this age.

So come along with me for the next phase of fabulous, you amazing women and men that love us (thankfully, my husband is behind me on this one.) There's so much material to explore and many moons to be howled at. It's sure to be an interesting journey!

What women really want from their true loves for Christmas

Inspired by "The Twelve Days of Christmas" I've teamed up with fellow blogger Meredith Sinclair (hoo-dee-hoo.com) and some festive friends to express what we chicks would truly adore from our guys this year.

Whether you've been naughty or nice (or a bit of both,) here's wishing you a holiday season filled to the brim with love, laughter, and of course - great gifts!



If you're thirsting for a "Well-shaken pink Pomtini" click here for the Martha Stewart recipe.

5 Ways to Feel Fine on a Fat Day

Do I regret overindulging?
Not so much.

I got on the scale this morning and ouch, it's gonna be a big fat day. Though I've vowed not to let the scale dictate my mood, every once in a while the number displayed there is undeniably bad news. And when that day comes two days before Thanksgiving, the situation isn't likely to improve anytime soon.

I've had fun packing on the pounds - the biggest contributing factor was a trip to Napa filled with lazy hours lolling under olive trees, spreading goat cheese on thin slices of baguette, and sipping glasses of chardonnay. I don't regret my excesses, but the extra fat rolls around my middle combined with an overall bloated feeling are not exactly making me excited to go out and greet the world.

Perhaps you might find yourself in the same position over the holidays. I've been here before (admittedly, not so early in the season) and I've got some tricks to boost my mood and distract myself from the unwanted flubber. Here are five tips to feeling fine on a fat day.

1. Pay attention to grooming. Fat days are perfect for taking care of oft neglected body parts like skin and teeth and nails. Feeling good is about more than weight, honey. Moisturize, slather on the self-tanner, try out a daring shade of nail polish. I just gave my teeth a good flossing and I feel lighter all ready.

Distracting myself from
weightier issues.

2. Don't torture yourself with tight clothes. Today is not the day for skinny jeans and a tucked-in shirt; they'll just make you crabby. Accommodate your extra curves with loose or stretchy clothing. A day spent in Lucy stretch yoga pants is a happy day. If you can't go sporty, try a billowy skirt over leggings or a forgiving long cardigan.

3. Adorn your head. The idea here is to keep everyone's eyes riveted above the neck. Change up your hairstyle, put on some eyeliner, wear dangly earrings, don a  funky chapeau. And most importantly, smile! People will be so entranced by your lovely countenance they'll never notice the newfound voluptuousness below.

4. Hydrate. I probably haven't gained an ounce, I'm just suffering from severe water retention. My plan is to chug water throughout the day. That way, every time I pee I'll feel like I'm losing weight!

5. It's not that big a deal. A couple pounds one way or another don't change your life that much, so skip the guilt and self-recrimination and go for a walk around the block. The fresh air will do you good.

Finally, when all else fails, consider Marjie's Incontrovertible Squirrel Theory. It's brilliant scientific logic will leave you feeling adorable all winter long.

Is this fair? Ads for female equivalent of Viagra can't run on TV

This weekend when my husband and I were in Napa, I came across an article in the San Francisco Chronicle describing a sexual double standard that made me mad.

According to the Chronicle, two women have developed a botanical topical oil called Zestra, designed to help women "heighten their sexual intimacy." Semprae Labs co-founders Rachel Braun Scherl, 45, and  Mary Jaensch, 58 - both married mothers - developed the product in response to research that tens of millions of American women have sexual difficulty and no way to treat it.

Zestra is an all natural product targeted to women who just aren't feeling it like they used to. One Zestra ad (see below) says the oil will "help you feel the way you used to when sexual arousal just happened naturally - without doing anything, without thinking about it, without trying not to think about anything else."

Um, I'm not admitting to anything here, but does that include not thinking about picking up the dry cleaning or worrying that my kid needs a ride home from the mall? Tell me more.

Unfortunately, most women have never heard of Zestra's benefits, because many network and cable TV stations won't run the ads.

We're no stranger to products to help men's problems in the bedroom. Ads for Viagra, Cialis, and Levitra are everywhere. The ads clearly communicate that men deserve lifelong sexual gratification and the complications that come with age require medical treatment. The commercials, with images of couples dancing romantically or sharing hilltop baths, also imply that a man's ability to sustain erection will not only bring great satisfaction to him, but to his appreciative partner as well.

But when it comes to promoting a product designed to help a woman achieve more pleasure, the TV stations refused. From the Chronicle article:

Laura Grindstaff, an associate professor of sociology at UC Davis, said many cultures are uncomfortable with the idea of female sexuality outside reproduction and motherhood.

"When you see naked women bounding around in any music video or open a magazine and see ads for cars or cosmetics, half-naked women are everywhere," Grindstaff said. "That is not women's sexuality. What you see is completely bound up and constructed by male ideas of what women's sexuality ought to be. An ad like Zestra's, with no men in it, about women's pleasure for the sake of pleasure, is threatening."

Maybe that's what the stupid TV execs think, but when I researched my article "What Men Really Want," I learned that most men would love for their women partners to feel sexier and more aroused. So maybe banning Zestra ads from television is unfair to both men and women.

If you're interested in what the flap is all about, check out this Zestra commercial.

Intriguing, no? The product is available online at zestra.com or at places like Wal-Mart and K-Mart. I haven't tried it (yet), so I'm not endorsing it. I just think women and men should have equal opportunity when it comes to good sex.

Online Dating - it's Like a Catalogue of Available Guys

Is online dating for you?

Let me state for the record - I am not dating. I've been married to the Irish Hunk o' Love for 19 years and  intend to stay that way. But if I were looking for romance at this point in my life, I would definitely try online dating. I interviewed a number of single women over 40, and according to them, dating websites are the way to go. They've connected with wonderful men who they feel they never would have met otherwise.

In the name of research (and out of rabid curiosity), I signed onto Match.com to see what the site is all about. Without giving a single piece of information about myself, I was able to search for non-smoking men, aged 45-50, who live within 10 miles of me and work out 3-4 times a week. You know what? There are 230 of them!

Some of them are very cute too. Hello, there "AlmostDflawless" in Highland Park. Although your name indicates a certain lack of humility. Maybe "hungryandthirst" from Chicago or "lovemykids1012" from Glenview is more my style. And he's online right now, maybe...

Okay, I've snapped out of it. But you see how addictive it can be. It's a virtual catalogue of potential dates.

If you are single and sick of the bar scene or awkward fix-ups, why not give dating websites a try? If you'd like to read about some success stories and ways to get the most out of your online experience, check out these two articles I wrote for MakeitBetter.net:

Is Online Dating the Fast track to True Love
Tips to Successful Online Dating

Sex & the Suburbs on the Radio

I had the chance to appear on Wayne Messmer's Homelife Radio show on AM560 WIND this morning. We talked about what men really want, how to spice up your marriage and the pros and cons of online dating - all topics I've covered in my "Sex & the Suburbs" column for Make it Better Magazine.

 To listen to the fun 10-minute discussion, press the play arrow, below.

Marlo Thomas - That Girl is All That & More

Last week I had the opportunity to interview the legendary Marlo Thomas when she visited Chicago to promote her new book - Growing Up Laughing, My Story and the Story of Funny. For the full interview, read my story at Make it Better by clicking here.

I've interviewed lots of cool people, but Marlo Thomas was my first big deal celebrity and I was a little unsure how to proceed. I knew I was to meet her at the Four Seasons but didn't know how to actually connect. Did she use a code name? Would I go up to her room? And could I call her by her first name? I hoped I wouldn't be impossibly awkward.

I needn't have worried. Because thanks to Marlo (yep, it was okay to call her that) the whole experience was completely relaxed. Her assistant phoned me to tell me that we'd meet in the lobby restaurant, and sure enough, Marlo simply walked in, alone, at the appointed time. 

She'd already had a jammed morning with TV show appearances and a live video chat on her new website, marlothomas.com, and she was hungry. She ordered a diet coke and a chinese chicken salad. I stuck to the diet coke because I needed to take notes. After swapping iphone apps (Marlo introduced me Dragon Dictation - check it out!) we began talking in a down to earth way about her very extraordinary childhood and groundbreaking career.

Many of us know of Marlo Thomas as the charming and perky Ann Marie in the 1960s sitcom, That Girl.  But when preparing for our meeting, I was reminded that she has also been a leading feminist for her entire life.

That Girl was the first show on television centered around a single woman, living on her own and pursuing a  career. In the early 70s Marlo challenged traditional gender stereotypes by creating Free to Be... You and Me, a children's album, book and TV special featuring songs and stories from many of her famous friends. With her friend Gloria Steinem, she founded the Ms. Foundation for Women. 

Over the years she has performed in films, on Broadway, and on some of the hippest shows on television (Friends, Ugly Betty). She's a devoted spokesperson for St. Jude Children's Research hospital, founded by her father, comedian Danny Thomas. Now, with her new book and website, she continues to show a remarkable staying power and relevance that few celebrities can claim.

But most of all, she's a genuinely nice person who wants to connect. As she told me,

"My dream for my website is that I will begin conversations that engage a large group of women and they will talk to each other, not just to me. And that's what's happening and that's what I find exciting. As I look back on all my projects I'm constantly trying to get people engaged. I want to build communities, I just find it so much fun."

You can order Marlo's book by clicking on the cover, below. And definitely check out her new website: marlothomas.com. It's Forty Fabulous!

Fashion Basics - Take clothes you already own and turn them into 3 great looks!

Think you've got nothing to wear? Well think again, because in this quick video, Midge Wegener (a stylist from one of Michelle Obama's favorite retailers) shows us how to take basic items we already own and mix them with a few pieces to create a variety of fashionable looks.  If you want to  take your wardrobe and jazz it up, dress it up, or bling it out - for Fall or the holidays - click here for inspiration.

From You're So Vain to The Way I Am

Like many things I've blogged about, (tennis, kayaking with Orca, pole dancing) singing in a band is something I tried for the first time after turning 40. I can't tell you how exciting and frightening some of my first performances with Mid Life Crisis were. I  had no idea what I was doing, but  being part of a classic rock band was such a huge thrill, I had to give it a try.  


There's a video of me from those early days, passionately belting out "You're so Vain", completely off-key.  As my friend Cheryl can attest, it was so brutally bad, watching it made me curl into the fetal position and moan. But despite the humiliation of that awful performance, I didn't quit. I took voice lessons, I practiced scales, I learned how to negotiate a mic and a monitor. Thankfully, the Mid Life Crisis guys didn't kick me out. 


 I'm doing a lot more writing than singing these days, but Friday night I had the chance to perform a couple songs with Wendy Morgan's fabulous band at the Music Institute's Nichols Hall in Evanston. I watched some video of me singing, and you know what? I'm okay with it! 


In honor of how far I've come, here are a couple clips of me singing The Way I Am by Ingrid Michaelson and I Feel the Earth Move by Carole King. And I hope to God that older vid never shows up on the internet!




Thanks to these amazing  musicians, who would make even Rosanne Barr sound good: Dean Rolando (piano), Jim Cox (bass), and Bob Rummage (drums). Special guest Eric Schneider on sax.