Confessions of a Real Housewife

I hear through the grapevine that Bravo TV is looking to cast The Real Housewives of Chicago. Hey, I'm a real housewife, they should cast me! Although my life isn't quite as colorful as many of the "Housewives" - no arrests, nude photos, or implants (yet) - I've got some dirty little secrets that I'm willing to spill on camera, and here's just a sampling:

1. Even though I have a set of expensive All-Clad stainless cookware, the pan I use all the time is a cheap T-Fal non-stick frying pan.

2. I've never had a flu shot or taken my kids to get one.

3. I know my kids don't always pick up the dog's poop when they walk her, but I turn a blind eye so she gets some exercise.

4. I don't even try to balance my checkbook.

5. I want to love the ultra hip show "Mad Men," but it puts me to sleep.

6. The only food I don't eat is veal, because years ago I saw a program on how miserably the little calves are kept. I'm happy to eat any other animal, however.

7. I buy a Streetwise paper from the homeless guy every time I go to the grocery store, but I resent him for it.

8. I do a bad job on my husband's laundry on purpose so he'll keep doing it himself.

9. I have a crush on Kid Rock, even though I think he's skanky. It's my Detroit roots.

See Bravo - I am very naughty. Don't you want to put me on your show? Or are the real confessions of this real housewife too tame for TV?

My Pediatrician wants to sell me Botox and other Pet Peeves

I try to stay positive here at Forty Fabulous, but today I'm damn cranky. It could be my hormones, could be lack of sleep. Whatever the reason, I've got a few things that are bugging me and I'm gonna get them off my chest.

Peeve #1: My pediatrician wants to sell me Botox.
I've got an excellent pediatrician, the best. My kids love going to see her. The examination rooms are delightful, she's got creams and sprays so shots don't hurt, she's knowledgable, available and sympathetic. Over the years I have been grateful for her care.

But being a top-notch pediatrician must not pay, because now she's opened a side business, a Medi-Spa. At my daughter's last check-up she gave me a free estimate of how much it would cost to "freshen up." She handed me a diagram of my face covered with an alarming amount of X's - sites that could use a dose of Botox. A fresh face would cost a cool $800 every three months. Since then, I've received lovely invitations and medi-spa menus promoting her new line of services.

As my girlfriends would say, that ain't right. This woman is an amazing pediatrician; she should stay focused on taking care of the children in her practice, not exploit the vanity of their mothers. A great pediatrician is a rare find - I can get Botox at the mall.

Peeve #2: My dog doesn't love me, she's just using me for food.
Last week, the Chicago Tribune's Eric Zorn reported some cold-hearted facts: dogs don't love their owners, they merely manipulate them for their own gain. According to dog expert John Katz, "Over 15,000 years of domestication, dogs have learned to trick us into thinking they love us."

I adore my West Highland Terrier, but I suspect it's true. Though Kelly dances for joy when I walk in the door and sweetly snuggles with me on the couch in the evenings, she'd do the same for anyone with kibble in their pocket. I understand that dogs don't feel love as we humans do. But knowing that Kelly is merely a highly-evolved affection faker is a bit of a let down.

Peeve #3: The Real Housewives of New York aren't housewives.
This Bravo "reality" show may feature real women, but by no stretch of the imagination are they housewives. Not only do all these abrasive Manhattan chicks have big-time careers, their children are cared for by others and half of them aren't even married.

Of course it's more glamorous to follow women to designer fashion boutiques and charity tennis matches in the Hamptons than to show women in sweatpants folding laundry, but at least call it what it is. Because of programs like this, the word "housewife" has become synonymous with spoiled, shallow, gossipy bitch. As a mom who spent the better part of a decade putting her career on hold to focus on home and family, I object!

Oh my, I've been kvetching for too long, so I'll end here. I didn't even get to Peeve #4: Sarah Palin is Writing a Memoir or Peeve #5: I Can't Read a Menu Without a Flashlight. But you can probably fill in the blanks on those.

Got any pet peeves of your own? Post 'em here!