What I Wore this Week and Why - Part 1

I'm no fashionista, but I think clothes matter. They can influence the way you feel and the way you're perceived. Clothes communicate who you are, what you have going on in your day, and what you intend to accomplish. Clothes can bring you comfort, give you confidence, show respect to others, and even charm and seduce. They can also can make you feel uncomfortable, out of place, or artificial. Unlike your face or your body, you can dress yourself differently every day or even several times a day, depending on how you feel and what your goals are.

Inspired by several fashion blogs, I'm keeping a record of everything I wear this week. I'm not intending to promote any sort of style  or offer fashion advice. It's really an exercise to analyze what  clothes say about a person and her life. All it takes is a camera phone and a full length mirror, so maybe you'd like to do it along with me. I love to know the details of what people are wearing.

Wednesday: Friend's Mother's Funeral
This was a very sad and touching event. I chose this outfit because it was mainly black, which is appropriate for a funeral, but I wanted to add some color to represent life and hope.

• Bloomingdale's cashmere cardigan (very old)
• Equipment Leopard Print Blouse (new last year, Nieman Marcus)
• Karen Kane black skirt (also very old)
• Cole Haan Riding Boots 

Thursday: Carpool, Vet, and Writing at Home

The weather is really sloppy today and I've got a lot of errands to run and a column to write. I'm dressing for comfort and practicality here, in my favorite jeans. 

• Gap Skinny Boyfriend Jeans
• Design History Gray Ruffled Top
• Gentle Souls Suede Booties

Thursday Evening: Winter storm
Big messy snowfall Thursday, so I bundled up to do some shoveling. I absolutely hate this puffy brown coat but it's perfect for jobs like this. My dog, Kelly, got anxious a couple weeks ago and attacked the shearling liner of my left boot.  I'm wearing it anyway.

• Ugg Hat and Boots 
• Detested old brown coat. 

Friday Morning: Writing at Home
When I'm writing, I'll often stay in my pjs and glasses until lunchtime - one of the best benefits of working from home!

• Gap pajama pants (or maybe DKNY, the tag is gone)
• "Steve" shelf tank
• Kate Spade glasses (from about 12 years ago)

 

Friday afternoon, Tennis Match 
Wearing something fun puts me in a better frame of mind to compete, but in this case, my candy striper tennis skirt was not enough to help my partner and I prevail. We did take one set though - close match.

• Lulu Lemon jacket
• Nike tennis skirt
• Lucy workout pants
• Prince tennis shoes

Friday Evening: Visitation for Friend's Father
Sadly, two of my dearest friends lost one of their parents this week. I've had this gray ensemble for at least five years and it seems to be appropriate for many occasions. My stylist friend and collaborator Kate Shifrin helped me pick it out. The pants are perfectly tailored  - at Kate's suggestion the front pockets were removed and sewn shut to eliminate gaping and bulging.

• DKNY gray wool cardigan
• Classiques Entier plum top
• Alice + Olivia gray wool trousers
• Scarf (I've had it forever, no tag)
• Gentle Souls booties 

 

Saturday Morning : Funeral for Friend's Father
My second funeral mass of the week, and you guys, this is getting hard. However, there's a great deal of beauty in  the way a family is united in the loss of a loved one. Everyone is so tender, everything seems more precious. At the packed church, people were carefully, conservatively dressed, which emphasized to me that clothes really matter. They set a tone, show you care, and unite you with the people around you.


Another stylist friend, Midge Wegener, inspired me to buy this outfit when we made a fashion video together a few years ago. You can't go wrong with pencil skirt and cardigan.

• J. Crew Rust Cardigan
• J. Crew black & white cotton blouse
• J. Crew black pencil skirt
• Cole Haan riding boots

That's it for now, I'm not sure if this is exercise meaningful or just silly, but I'm going to finish what I've started. I'll post the second half of the week on Wednesday.

I'm an Expert and You are too

Yesterday I had the opportunity to take a fantastic writing seminar called the OpEd Project. The goal of the seminar is to encourage women to share their opinions in order to be a bigger part of the conversations that influence our society. Do you know that across the board - considering government, media, corporate boards, entertainment - women only have a 15% share of voice?

There's no doubt that women feel passionately about many subjects and are devoted to causes that are close to our hearts and critical to our community. So why aren't we putting our ideas out there in a public way? I think one of the reasons is that we don't place enough value on our own opinions. We don't think we are experienced enough or have the right education. Also, we don't want to offend anyone, for god's sake. If we share our opinions, people might disagree.

Nothing proved that to me more than the opening exercise at yesterday's seminar. Our dynamic instructors, noted journalists  Katherine Lanpher and Michele Weldon, asked us to introduce ourselves in this format:

Hello, I'm (name) and I'm an expert at (area) because (experience/credentials). 

Our intros had to be very brief and in terms anyone could understand.

There were 20 intelligent, professional, accomplished women in the room, and you can't imagine how hard to was for us to do this! We were very intimidated by the prospect of calling ourselves experts. We demurred, we deflected, we hemmed and hawed. We played down our talents, we left out our most dazzling accomplishments, we didn't want to brag. And, according to our leaders, this was completely typical in their classes.

Can you picture a group of men doing this? It would be hilarious.

Every woman, by the time she has reached the age of forty, is certainly an expert in many things. We've lived full lives, we have experience and perspective and knowledge that the world needs us to share. Can you imagine what our country would be like if we claimed our rightful 50% of the opinions presented? It's mind-blowing. I say, let's start changing the world by changing the way we see ourselves. We're experts, damn it, and in subjects that matter.

So, here's my intro, which I eventually came around to, in the OpEd Project Format:

Hello, I'm Marjie Killeen and I'm an expert in writing about women's sexuality at midlife. My award winning column for Make it Better Magazine, Sex & the Suburbs, reaches 60,000 households each month and has expanded into a popular series of live panel discussions. I also have a longstanding blog, Fortyfabulous.

And this is just one of my areas of expertise. I'm also an expert at editing, storytelling, and teaching adult amateur performers silly dance moves. But it's a start.

So think about it. What's your expertise? And how can you share your unique and important talents with the rest of us?

Growing Out of My Forty Fabulousness

I've been hearing this a lot lately: what are you going to call your blog now that you're turning 50?

This is 40, but this isn't me.

My first reaction is slight resentment. My blog hasn't really been about the fabulousness of a specific age, more about having fun exploring this gratifying stage and celebrating the joys of midlife. Can't "Forty Fabulous" refer to the general state of being over forty and still include women in their fifties and beyond? Besides, many of my readers are still in their forties, I don't want my aging up to leave them behind.

I started this blog five years ago when I was already well into my forties and knew they were great, so the name made sense. But on the brink of this milestone birthday, I don't know what to expect from the next decade yet. At my book club Thursday night, the women looked lovely and the wine was flowing, but the tone was far from celebratory. One of our members' mother had died that day and another friend was at the hospital, keeping vigil at her gravely ill father's bedside. Two other women had lost parents within months. There was a lot of sadness in our circle, and the shared recognition that - at this stage in life - we'll all be required to do some heavy lifting.

Not every aspect of my 50s is going to be fabulous and I have to say the name "Forty Fabulous" seems a little outdated and cutesy anyway. But I'm still me, and I intend to continue to approach life with a sense of wonder and adventure and a little naughtiness. I'm still going to write about relationships and sex and the arts and fantastic women and fashion and teenagers and growth and finding meaning and connection - and I fully intend to have a fabulous time doing it, damn it!

So what do you think? Does this blog need a name change?  (I'm kind of coming around to the opinion that it does.) And if so, what should it be? Maybe something that doesn't refer to a number at all.

Please help me out! I really would love to hear your suggestions.

PS - I toyed with the name "Ripe Peach" to convey a sort of juicy, delicious. ageless maturity. But when you google those terms, you come up with a lot of porn.

The Next Feminist Movement Involves Dancing

As women, we've been conditioned all our lives to be in conflict with our bodies. But there's a new feminine movement in the world, demonstrated here in this incredibly powerful Ted video. I'm so grateful I had the opportunity to meet and interview S Factor founder Sheila Kelley two years ago. Her work is about much more than dancing around a pole. It's about helping women resdiscover their erotic creatures and reclaim their bodies by moving them and feeling pleasure in them as women do.

You and your body should watch this. Then put on some sexy music and dance dance dance.

Hello 2013, Bye-Bye Jigglypuff

After the holidays and the vacation and the feasting and boozing and general debauchery, I, like the rest of the world, am on a diet. I know, what a yawn. I personally feel there's nothing more boring than people on diets, especially at the beginning, when they're all virtuous and in love with their new dietary restrictions and feel obligated to educate you on the dangerous nutritional contents of your favorite foods. I don't care about the horrors of trans fats, dude, just let me eat my nachos.

Well, usually I feel that way, but today I'm the embarking on a new healthy eating program and I'm going to talk about it. Because if I don't babble incessantly about how I'm not eating as much as I usually do, I will go to my pantry and inhale the Costco combo pack of Carr's water crackers nestled there. And I'd like you to know those four boxes of white carbs are pure evil.

You're so 2012, Jigglypuff.

Other people's diets are a snore, but I feel entitled to tell you about my new dietary resolve, because MY self improvement project is special. It's not just that I intend to lose weight. It's that I intend to lose weight before I turn 50. Wow, fifty. I had a hard time even typing that number. The dreaded birthday is right around the corner and I am not planning a party. I'm still trying to find the fabulous spin on an age that is undeniably getting up there.

(Hey, do you find people whining about their upcoming milestone birthdays to be even more tedious than hearing about their diets? Me too, girlfriend, but you're in too deep to turn back now.)

Look, the only way I can think to embrace the next decade is by showing up on my birthday (11 weeks from now) feeling my best. And so I'm gonna shape up and shed some pounds, especially in the area I've come to refer to as my Jigglypuff - that soft, squishy round creature who has made herself at home around my middle. Jigglypuff is a much kinder term than Belly Fat, don't you think? Jigglypuff sounds friendly and harmless and sort of adorable - just like the little Pokeman pictured above.

There have been a couple times in my life when I felt really happy about my physical self. The first time was when I turned 40.  I lost 16 pounds on Weight Watchers and felt fantastic. I had so much energy! And that energy helped launch what I think has been the most surprisingly fulfilling, fun decade of my life. Call me greedy, but I want more. It's not even about appearance; it's about feeling fired up and optimistic and being in charge of my life. If I feel that way when I hit fifty, I'll throw a damn block party! But I've got some work to do and in the meantime, my Jigglypuff and I are going to have to part ways.

Now, I officially resolve to be less boring in future posts, and wish you all the happiest, hottest, high-energy 2013!

P.S. - Another time I felt great about myself was when I did this this "Four F's to Lose Four Fast Pounds"video series a few years ago with the awesome personal trainer Sharon Davis. The four keys are Focus, Food, Fitness and Fun! Check it out if you need some inspiration - I did.

http://www.fortyfabulous.com/2009/05/four-fs-to-losing-four-fast-pounds.html
http://www.fortyfabulous.com/2009/06/four-fs-to-losing-four-fast-pounds.html
http://www.fortyfabulous.com/2009/06/four-fs-to-losing-four-fast-pounds_07.html
http://www.fortyfabulous.com/2009/06/success-it-took-little-while-but-i-lost.html

My End of the World To Do List

Tomorrow is 12-21-12, which some people say, according to the ancient Mayan calendar, is the day the world will end. I'm pretty confident that the sun will rise tomorrow morning and Friday the 21st will turn out to be a pretty regular day. But just in case I'm wrong, I've put together my End of the World To-Do list.

Here's how I want to spend my last day on earth.

1. Play music, sing loudly and dance my ass off! Here's a good tune for today. Play it while you read through my list.



2. Take my Westie Kelly for a long walk. I know it's yucky out there, but it's her last day too and she loves nothing more than a good romp. I get such vicarious pleasure out of her full bodied, eager alertness.

3. Go to the beach and look out at Lake Michigan and be awed and grateful for this amazing life where most of the time, things go absolutely right.

4. Dress fancy. Wear my good underwear and my good jewelry. Douse myself with perfume. Curl my eyelashes.

5. Get a massage and have a leisurely lunch with a dear friend. Lucky me, this is already on my calendar! See you at noon at Asha Spa in Evanston, Steph.

6. Hug and kiss my kids and give them my loving, warm attention all day  - with no nagging! (Oops, I've already  violated this one - sorry Emma, but you should have got out of bed the first time I woke you up.)

7. Call my parents.

8. Lie on my back under the Christmas tree and look up through the branches. Shake all the presents addressed to me and guess what's in them.

9. Eat whatever damn thing I want. And that definitely includes french fries.

10. In the evening, take a long hot bubble bath with a glass of wine and Mary Oliver's beautiful volume of poetry, A Thousand Mornings. Slather myself with all the lotions and potions I've been saving for some other day.

11. Slip into bed all fragrant and clean and warm. Snuggle up to my hubby. Expect something nice to happen.

12. Pop half an Ambien and sleep like a baby. I usually reserve Ambien for transcontinental flights, but hey, it's important to be well-rested for the end of the world.

Okay, I'm heading out for that walk with Kelly. But I'd love to hear  - what will you do today?

#2 & #3 Check

#8 Done!

Dating Today: High-Tech Hook-Ups and More

If you're interested in what the dating world is like these days, read my latest column for MakeitBetter.net - Modern Dating, Finding Love in a High-Tech Hook-Up World, based on my interview with relationship expert  Emily Morse, from the Bravo TV show Miss Advised.

One benefit of modern technology: no more waiting around for the phone to ring. One downside: very few actual dates.

My friend Laura read it and said "I'm so glad I'm married!" But Deborah from Evanston has negotiated the dating sites and fix-ups with grace and found true love. Read all about it here:

http://makeitbetter.net/better-you/sex-and-the-suburbs/4815-modern-dating-finding-love-in-a-high-tech-hook-up-world

Parisian Perspective

Today I'm going to write about something that has nothing to do with sex. Which will be a relief to my mother. And my kids. And probably to many of you as well. Today I'm writing about what I learned in Paris.

Ah, Paris in December. It's gray and moody and chilly and lonely and absolutely beautiful. I've decided the Parisians can live completely fulfilled lives in their teensy apartments with only a few choice belongings because at any point they can step outside and experience them most staggering opulence  in the world. In the architecture, in the art, in the food, in the language. Who needs to own stuff, when luxury is ingrained into the fiber of the everyday?

You can see that I liked it there.

I told everyone I was going to Paris to take a writing course - a perfectly constructed weeklong seminar called Paris Cafe Writing taught by a former professor of mine, the inspiring Patricia Tennyson. The course is a perfect blend of writing and soaking up French culture, with plenty of free time to do whatever you want. You would love it.

But writing was not the real reason for my trip.The real reason I went to Paris was to do a gut check. Because, friends, I have a big birthday coming in March and I can no longer deny the fact that facing into 50 is a big deal.


It's not just an age thing, it's a stage thing. I've got one kid who's in college, and another getting her driver's license. As my week away clearly demonstrated, my mothering skills are not in high demand anymore. I didn't get any frantic texts or phone calls from my husband or my daughter. My dog wasn't neglected, the house didn't burn down, no one even needed my opinion. I was out of the country for eight days and everyone and everything at home were perfectly fine.

The role of "mother" is transitioning for me. It's becoming more of a title, less of a verb. And that's creating space in my life that needs filling.

The last time I visited Paris I was in my mid-20s, breezing through Europe with my friend Mary and a Eurorail pass. This trip I found Paris much the same; what was weird was how different I felt. Back then I was young and excited and on the precipice of some very big changes. Now I'm a middled-aged married woman who needs reading glasses to decipher the metro map. Can exciting big changes be on my horizon too?

I say YES.

One of the benefits of travel is that feeling foreign and apart from the surrounding culture gives you a clearer picture of  who you are and what you've got. This Paris trip reinforced my central belief that the best, most exciting time of life is not in the past, it's now. It's ahead. Which for me, means in my fifties, damn it. So bring 'em on.

I didn't go to Paris and come back transformed with some major epiphany about how to reinvent myself. But all those things I've been putting off for someday - writing the book, taking the trip, getting in shape, spending the time with people that matter - that day is  here.

Lucky soon-to-be fifty year-old me.

One Big Sex Tip for the Holidays

Last night concluded the "Sex & the Suburbs - Live" three-part series at the Wilmette Theatre, and I am still riding the high. The turnout in the theatre was fabulous, and there was a great balance between men and women, which was perfect, given the subject was: Bridging the Male/Female Divide - How to get what you Really Want for the Holidays.

Wow did we cover a lot of ground, and I'd like to summarize it for you here, but I don't have time, because I'm off to Paris tomorrow for a weeklong writing seminar. Bucket list! Anyway, here's one tidbit from last night's show to keep in mind to get what you want from your man when it comes to sex.

Have you told your him what you desire? Have you given him the opportunity to give it to you? 

Men actually are not selfish pigs. They don't mind getting off, but they enjoy sex most when they satisfy their woman. It makes them feel manly! But, unfortunately, they don't always know how to go about it. So why not clue them in?

This season, to get what you really long for, ask for it! I know I'm going to.

And, hey. Here's an article about me and the show from the Wilmette Patch.  I'm used to doing the interviewing, so it's weird to be on the other side. But I think Teme Rings did a wonderful job. And she came to last night's show with her husband too!

http://wilmette.patch.com/blog_posts/bridge-the-male-female-divide-for-holidays-happy-and-hot-talking-with-marjie-killeen

Au revoir mes amies! I'll report back when I get home from France. And I'll talk about something other than sex for a change, promise.

Thanks Bedhead Photography!

For my column for Make it Better I write about a lot of aspects of relationships and sexuality, some of which I am professionally obligated to try out for myself - in the name of research, of course. This can be a very fun job.

I've written about boudoir photography before, but I never tried it until a few weeks ago, when Angela Keefe of Bedhead Boudoir Photography invited me to experience a mini-shoot. I was very nervous about baring my bod for the camera and thought I'd feel foolish trying to act sexy, but Angela made the experience feel very comfortable and natural. Her beautiful home in Winnetka serves as her studio and she has many lovely rooms to use as settings. I have to give a big shout out to Paula Heckenast and her team from City Lights Makeup  for doing such a gorgeous job on my hair and makeup, which is a huge part of the experience and the results.

I'm sharing a couple of the tamer photos with you here, because, hey, this is the internet after all. But I can tell you my husband is very excited to be in possession of a couple of the more revealing shots.

Boudoir photography makes a nice gift for the man in your life, but I think its greatest value is how it makes you feel about yourself. How often do we stand in front of the mirror criticizing our appearance? Seeing ourselves as beautiful and sensual - especially as we get older - can be a revelation. And I'm not the only one who thinks so. Emily Harrell, the sex therapist who was so insightful and open as part of my last "Sex & the Suburbs" panel, often recommends boudoir photography to her female clients, to help them appreciate themselves and gain confidence with their sexuality. 

I didn't have a lot of time to prepare for this shoot, and I discovered I have a embarrassingly limited selection of lingerie, especially for a sex columnist. I've got to remedy that situation! If you're interested in this experience, I recommend a long, leisurely trip to a lingerie store to select some fun outfits in varying degrees of skimpiness. (I've officially moved on from Victoria's Secret to the more mature Soma, but if you want to treat yourself, try La Perla.)

I promise, you will end up feeling more comfortable in your skin than you think! But hey, with the right hair, make up, and lighting (and a little strategic photo-shopping), the gals at Bedhead can make even a white tailored shirt look hot.

To see my prior posts about the experience of Boudoir Photography, follow the links below.
http://www.fortyfabulous.com/2010/08/picture-this-hot-model-in-glossy-photo.html
http://www.fortyfabulous.com/2010/08/francescas-photos-oh-my-god-thats-me.html