Forty Fabulous

A Nonlinear look at Friendships

2012-01-30T16:46:00.000-06:00

There was an insightful article about navigating changing friendships in this weekend's New York Times by Alex Williams titled, It's Not Me, It's You. One of the concepts he discusses is linear versus nonlinear friendships.

Linear friendships are based on a deep lasting connection. Nonlinear friendships are based on a shared experience, like a job or a certain stage of life, and aren't as likely to endure when those circumstances change.

It made me realize how my friendships have changed over the years. When my kids were small I had a wide circle of friends who also had small children. Being a stay at home mom was a lonely job and hanging out with other women in the same situation was a lifeline. Outings like apple picking or heading to the park were a lot more fun when there was another mom around to chat with, haul strollers, and watch the kids while you ran to the bathroom. Back then I orchestrated my children's social lives around the moms I liked to hang out with.

When my kids were in grade school, I socialized with women I volunteered with, or carpooled with, or whose kids played on my kids' sports teams.

Women's friendships go through changes
Image via ABC, Desperate Housewives

But now that Nick and Emma are in high school, I've lost the day-to-day contact with many of those pals. As my kids' world has expanded and my involvement in their school and social life has diminished, my circle of friendships has pared down too.

I still like these women! But we're just not in each other's lives as much anymore, unless we make an effort to get together. And that takes, well, effort. I guess that means we're nonlinear friends.

The plus side is that, while my immediate circle may be smaller, my friendships are more fulfilling now, because I spend time with the people that really mean something to me (i.e. my linear friends) and my new non-linear friendships are based on my activities - writing, theater, tennis, etc - instead of my kids' activities.

But maybe I've let a few linear friendships slip into nonlinear mode without meaning to. Friendships do evolve over time, it's only natural, but they also take time and energy to maintain.

So what does this all mean?

I don't know if this is the complete answer but - I feel a girls night coming on!

3 Great make-up tips for women like us!

2012-01-29T18:09:00.001-06:00

Today, let's talk make-up. We've been wearing it for decades, but do we really know the right way to apply it to look bright, refreshed and natural? Well, I didn't, until awesome make-up artist Sylvi Davidson (who also is co-owner of Enamour Photograpy) showed me the techniques demonstrated in the short video, below, which include:

1. The right way to curl your eyelashes and apply mascara.
2. How to "tightline" your eyes to add definition without looking made-up.
3. The importance of a groomed, defined brow to our overall appearance (especially as we get a little older.)

So check it out and feel free to share any comments or tips of your own.

Special thanks to my friend Kimberly for being our lovely model. More make-up advice from Sylvi is still to come, so please visit here again soon.

My $170 boob job

2012-01-27T12:50:00.000-06:00

Changing boobs and shapewear are not new topics here on Forty Fabulous, but this is a fresh find. Last Christmas, Liam presented me with a beautiful La Perla bra (just like the one pictured) and boy short panties. Very tasteful and expensive, but kind of awkward to open in front of our two teenagers.

Oh well.

Over the last year, I have donned my La Perla lingerie for, ahem, special evening occasions, but I've never been able to treat it like everyday underwear until yesterday's laundry crisis, and oh the joy! This bra was miraculous! As I pumped gas, ran errands, did the dishes, I marveled at my transformed bust. My boobs were so happy nestled in the shaping, luxurious cups. They were lifted and full and youthful and round; they curved together with a hint of cleavage.

"Look!" I gushed to Liam, preening in my v-necked sweater. "Look at what this bra does for my chest! It's amazing! How much did this thing cost anyway?"

Apparently about $170. Whoa. That's at least four times what I pay for a bra. But I have to say, yesterday my tits looked at least four times better than usual. I'm definitely gonna get some more wear out of this baby.

Move to Chicago, Demi and Heather, you'll be happier here

2012-01-27T12:27:00.001-06:00

Accepting the changes that come with aging isn't easy for any woman, but it must really stink if you're a beautiful, middle-aged actress living in Hollywood. Imagine the pressure to stay thin and unlined and luscious when you've built your whole career on that image and live in a society that values little else.

Moore in 2010
Image via Wikipedia

Take Demi Moore, 49, for example. I've admired Demi since her days as husky-voiced ace reporter Jackie Templeton on General Hospital in the early 80s and I've been truly saddened to watch her recent struggles in the media. Her marriage to much younger husband Ashton Kutcher has collapsed and, amid rumors of drug abuse and speculation on her very gaunt frame, Demi was hospitalized this week. I don't know what her problems are, but whether it's heartache, exhaustion, addiction or illness, I don't need a doctor's diagnoses to see something's wrong. Even dressed to the nines on the red carpet, she looks like she's in pain.

And she's not the only middle aged Hollywood star suffering. Blonde, blue-eyed, vixen Heather Locklear, 50, of Melrose Place fame was also hospitalized earlier this month. Apparently Heather has struggled with drugs and alcohol for years and is now "under a doctor's care" as she seeks recovery. She and long-term love Jack Wagner (who I also adored on GH) called off their engagement in November.

Demi and Heather aren't dimwitted starlets trying to break into the business; they're intelligent women, established professionals, and mothers. They're about my age, for god's sake! But I'm not judging them, I'm judging the system that makes these women feel like failures if their knees begin to sag or their lips begin to thin. Both women have invested a great deal of effort into maintaining a youthful appearance, but in Hollywood, when gorgeous 20-somethings regularly nip and tuck, how can a 50-year old woman compete? No wonder they're turning to mind-numbing substances. The mere thought of being judged by my flabby stomach or jiggly thighs makes me feel like throwing back a couple kamikazes right now, and it's only 11am.

But luckily, I live in Chicago, a land that is much kinder and gentler to middle aged women. Why? Because first of all, because we have our values straight. In the Midwest, we like keeping it real - and that means a woman's intellect, humor and generosity are as important to her appeal as a firm ass. Secondly, our weather stinks for at least seven months of the year so everybody spends a lot of time covered up in boots, jeans, sweaters, and jackets. Women over 40 can look every bit as good as our younger counterparts when we're not being constantly evaluated in our bikinis. Finally, Chicagoans are foodies and take pleasure in eating - a little meat on our bones as a result is no big deal.

I'd like to invite all the unappreciated, angst-ridden, aging actresses out in LA to take a stand. Move to Chicago! We have an abundant theatre, arts and music scene so you'll get work. Not to mention you'll love it here. Rosie O'Donnell does.

"As a New Yorker, who was born and raised in New York and lived in Los Angeles for 10 years, I never imagined living anywhere else. But I could totally see myself living here. It’s very relaxing and family-oriented. It’s unlike any place I’ve ever been.” Chicago Tribune, 12/11/11

The Meaning of Coincidences

2012-01-10T12:49:00.001-06:00

I'm sure I saw a
Great Horned Owl
Image via wikipedia

Happy New Year my Forty Fabulous friends! I am so excited about what 2012 will bring. And you know why? Because a few days ago, for the first time in my life, I saw a wild owl.

As I drove home through the neighborhood, the huge bird swooped showily through my headlights, as if demanding my attention. It flew up to a gabled rooftop, and perched there calmly, as owls do, with it's distinctive tufts pointing to the moon. I stopped the car, rolled down my window and called up to it.

"Well, look at you."

The owl didn't respond. But just like the birds in the Harry Potter books, I think it had a message for me. Check out my conversation with my wise friend Carol Moss about why this owl sighting was no coincidence.

You've probably experienced some uncanny coincidences in your own life. Or maybe you think this is all a bunch of bird poop. Either way, I'd love to your thoughts!

Have a Merry Midlife Crisis and a Happy New Year

2011-12-15T19:33:00.002-06:00

This year I focused on creating my own midlife crisis. My goal was to get the benefits of this critical time of life without suffering the pain and angst. As I do with any new project, I started out with great purpose and enthusiasm.

In January I worked to accept my changing body.

In February, I got organized to make room for the new me.

In March I worked to become quiet and pay attention to my intuition.

In April I went out looking for inspiration.

In May I began to lose focus and goofed off.

In June I worked on developing new positive habits, one of which was writing every day.

By July I was so damn sick of writing about myself I took the rest of the summer off.

In September I reviewed a video called "Hot Flash Havoc" and it changed my life. I made an appointment with my gynecologist and since then have been taking a combination of estrogen and progesterone. Now many of my mid-life crisis symptoms, apparently hormonally induced, are gone.

In October, November and December, I felt really good and was so busy with other writing projects and kids and home and husband and life, I pretty much forgot I was having a midlife crisis at all. Well, hey.

I am claiming success! The combination of the research and self-analysis and hormone replacement therapy has pretty much dissipated my fear and anxiety about aging and given me a new sense of purpose. And I love that I continue to find that middle age is a fabulous time of life.

In this short video I share some of the most important things I learned from my midlife crisis so that you can enjoy yours, whenever it occurs.

I'm closing out the year by wishing you all the merriest of holidays and a very Happy New Year. I raise my glass to the possibilities and fulfillment 2012 holds for us. Cheers!

How to Have More Fun in Bed

2011-12-01T12:00:00.000-06:00

Whee! My latest column for Make it Better is spicy! Follow the link to read 7 Naughty Ways to Have More Fun in Bed based on advice and tips from women like you and me - including a creative use for the little candy pictured below.

3 Reasons Women Look Better With Age

2011-11-22T15:44:00.001-06:00

There's no avoiding it; our appearance is destined to change as we grow older. Many of us dread the signs of aging because we've bought into the media hype that natural conditions like gray hair and wrinkles are ugly and unacceptable.

Well, I'm here to present an alternate view. Looking older does not mean looking worse! Women in their forties, fifties and beyond can look fantastic while still looking our age. We may not be as firm or unlined as we were in our 20s, but we have some distinct advantages over our younger selves.

1. We've grown into our looks. As full-fledged women, our appearance expresses not only our heredity, but our personality, character and values. We've lost the baby fat, so to speak, and are emerging as distinctive, unique individuals. We're growing to look more authentically like ourselves - the glorious women we're meant to be - and nothing is more attractive than that.

Coco Chanel

As Coco Chanel famously said, "Nature gives you the face you have at twenty; it is up to you to merit the face you have at fifty."

2. We're more confident. When we were young we blossomed with health and energy yet were plagued by doubts and insecurities. Now that we're older, we're past all the bullshit of asking for permission or caring what people think. We've got purpose and conviction and an agenda, dammit, and we're not looking to be rescued. This self-assuredness that comes with years is magnetic and sexy, and is cited as a main reason younger men say they are drawn to older women.

There's a kind of confidence that comes when you're in your 40s and 50s, and men find that incredibly attractive.”
Peggy Northrup, former Editor More Magazine

3. We have a better sense of style. Women over forty have learned how to dress. We've come to terms with our bodies and our lives and understand the styles and colors that work best for us. Once, we were tempted by the latest trends; now we invest in clothes that flatter, uplift and last. Oh boy, when I think of some of the awful looks I've sported over the years, I shudder. It took me a few decades to finally get it - I'm curvy and short. Pleated pants, loud prints, capris, ruffles, and shoulder pads might look good on a tall, lanky chicks, but they're banished from my wardrobe for ever. As are perms. Yikes.

For examples of all sorts of women who look better in their 40s and 50's than they ever did in their 20s, check out this gallery from More Magazine. For fun, I've included some pics of my own.

Me at age 25

Me now, 48

And if you are over 40 and aren't feeling all that fabulous - girl, now's the time to shake things up! Here are some other posts that might interest you:

10 Items You Need to Have in Your Wardrobe

Weighing in on the Scale of Success

Facing Facts About My Face

Feline Fantasy (why I want to be a Cougar)

'Tis the Season for my Holiday Shopping Code of Conduct

2011-11-17T13:12:00.005-06:00

The holidays are here, at least as far as retailers are concerned. I haven't even planned my Thanksgiving dinner, but the stores have been bedecked in Winter Wonderland themes and blaring Christmas carols since Halloween.

Some of you chicks have probably already finished your holiday shopping and, while I'm impressed by your efficiency, I'm resentful. Because the rest of us are about to become part of a teeming hoard of stressed-out, deal-seeking, time-crunched shoppers.

To make the experience more pleasant for all of us, I ask everyone to adhere to my Holiday Shopping Code of Conduct.

Shoppers
1. Give each other space. The stores are crowded, but we still need our personal space. The ideal distance to maintain is a full arm's length, but at the very least do not touch, poke, or rub against another person with your body or belongings. It's upsetting.
2. Practice good line etiquette. No matter how merry, please refrain from whistling, talking loudly on your phone, or flossing your teeth (yes, I've actually seen this.) And move along with the line! Nothing is more frustrating than a shopper who doesn't notice when it's time to step up.
3. Stay home if you're sick. If you are hacking, sneezing, coughing or contagious, do us all a favor and shop online. We can't afford to get sick and besides, your body noises and mucus gross us out.
4. Wear actual clothes. Let's all agree that pjs are not acceptable attire in public - even on black Friday. C'mon, how hard is it to put on some pants? And while you're at it, put on deodorant too.

Salespeople
1. Let us pay the way we want. I know it's your job to ask me for my email and phone number and to join your frequent shopper program and open a credit card and donate to your charity. But if I choose not to participate, don't roll your eyes and snap huffily, "Well, fine, if you don't want to save 15%!" Call me crazy, but I just want to use my Visa.
2. Say "You're welcome." One of my pet peeves is the expression "no problem" as a response to my sincere thank you. It better not be a problem; I gave you a bunch of money! Instead of reassuring me that I didn't inconvenience you, why not say "glad to help" or "my pleasure" or simply, "enjoy"?
3. Give thoughtful freebies. Everyone loves bonuses and samples, but the treat I'm most grateful for is a little bottle of chilled water that I can take a swig from, then slip into my purse. This is so nice! We shoppers work up a powerful thirst.

Everyone
Spread the cheer. If you have a chance to help another shopper out, do it. Share a tip or a coupon, hold the door for a mom struggling with a stroller, put items back neatly where you found them. And above all, use good manners. Everyone's nerves are frayed this time of year and a smile or kind word can go a long way toward making the season bright.

If you have any suggestions for a better holiday shopping experience, let me hear from you.

Otherwise, I'll see you at the mall!

Cool Cocktail for the Holidays

2011-11-14T15:26:00.001-06:00

I made this drink for some girlfriends over the weekend, and it was as pretty, bubbly and yummy as my guests.

The fresh squeezed lime is the secret ingredient - plan on squeezing lots of 'em. Oh, and my recipe should read 2 oz cranberry juice (not actual cranberries.)

Cheers!

Enamored With Oprah

2011-10-28T10:07:00.000-05:00

I'm a little embarrassed to admit how enamored I am with Oprah Winfrey right now. I've had the opportunity to screen her newest show, Lifeclass, as well as attend a live (as in LIVE, as in Oprah is 15 feet away and I'm checking out her designer jeans and watching Andre touch up her hair) post-show taping, and tonight I'm attending another one.

Oprah taping her interactive new show for OWN, Lifeclass

Almost every woman in America has been touched by Oprah at some point. Even if you didn't watch her show regularly, you heard about it, or discussed an issue she exposed, or read a book she recommended or bought one of her favorite things as a Christmas gift. My book club has a longstanding joke that we have to bring up Oprah at every meeting, and over the years, we always have.

Oprah has been especially real to those of us living in the Chicago area. I've attended a couple tapings of her talk show - the Chef Art Smith cooking demonstration and the Everybody Loves Raymond cast farewell. I even ran into her years ago at her Big Bowl Restaurant (I think she was picking up some garlic smashed potatoes.)

And of course, as an inquisitive writer/blogger/journalist who's not-so-secret passion is to make it big on the stage or screen, I want Oprah's job.

But despite all of the above, I have never felt that Oprah was a mentor or role model to me personally. Her talk show struck me as was a well-oiled, slickly produced machine with Oprah acting as the masterful ringleader of a really big show. She was larger than life, she was talking to the masses, she was distant. It was fun and exciting to be part of her wildly emoting audience, but I didn't feel any intimate connection.

But with my recent exposure to Lifeclass, I'm experiencing Oprah in a whole new way. First of all, I love the format of the show - just Oprah talking to the camera (read my complete review.) I feel connected not only to her, but to her message, and most importantly, how it relates to ME. When I was at the live taping following the Lifeclass about Letting Go of Anger with guest Iyalana Vanzant, I was blown away by the real healing that occurred in that small, stripped down studio. I could physically feel the release of old grudges and buried hurts and the sweet relief of people being able to release the burden of their anger and move on. It was magical.

So here I am, 48 years old and kind of obsessed by Oprah for the first time. I think she's helping me get over my midlife crisis.

Tonight I'm attending a second live taping following Oprah's Lifeclass. The topic for tonight is Joy Rising, and I believe Iyanla Vanzant will be Oprah's guest again. I don't know much about Iyanla Vanzant but I intend to go on Amazon and order all her books right this instant, because she was so inspiring when I saw her the first time.

Tonight's webcast will be shown on Oprah.com, her Facebook page and on the OWN cable network at 9pm Eastern/8pm Central. Look for me in the back of the audience, tweeting with my other blogger chick cohorts.

Procrastinating or Flirting - Which one is naughty?

2011-10-19T15:37:00.000-05:00

Hello my Forty Fabulous friends! While I've been a bit quiet here, I continue to sound off on other sites. Here are two of my latest pieces that I hope you'll enjoy.

1. For The Succulent Wife, my new video on midlife crisis and how to get on with your life - because, I don't know about you, but I don't have time to waste.

2. And my latest Sex & the Suburbs column for Makeitbetter.net, a discussion on the merits of Flirting for Fun.

Flirting is a social art as old as Aristotle, and the upcoming holiday season is the perfect time to play the coquette.

It’s fun, it’s intellectual and it’s a bit of a thrill. Done correctly, a flirtation is a light, admiring, slightly sexy interaction that’s conducted purely for the pleasure of the moment.

In France, flirting is a way of life and every woman—regardless of her age or marital status—is considered fair game. Not to flirt is practically considered an insult. Here in the Midwest, single women can flirt their derrieres off, but women in relationships are more conflicted.

Tammy from Wilmette feels flirting is disloyal. “I don’t think it’s right to flirt with someone else’s husband,” she says. ( Read full article.)

Three Fabulous Finds for Under $50

2011-10-04T14:00:00.001-05:00

Every once in a while I stumble on some great products I just have to share. Last time it was hanky panky thongs and no-show bras; this time it's the world's most comfy shoe and two beauty products to die for.

1. Teva Mush Flyweight Flats - My Fall flip flop

I've been test driving a pair of these cute and colorful little flats for the last few weeks. The moment they arrived, I popped them on my bare feet and headed out for a walk with my West Highland Terrier, Kelly. Going for a long walk in new shoes with no socks sounds like an invitation for blisters, right?

Nope. These shoes barely weigh a thing ( a mere 3.4 oz) and are so flexible and breathable, there's no need to go through the painful breaking-in process most new shoes seem to require. I keep my "Mushes" by the front door for running out for errands, walks, to get the paper, etc. If only they'd make a pair with heels - I need the height!

Available at Alamo Shoes in Chicago for $45-50 a pair. Also available at teva.com. Mine ran true to size.

Also available in this strappy Mary Jane style

I chose the pink ballerina flat

2. Nars "The Multiple" in Orgasm
While the name alone makes this shimmery stick kind of irresistible, The Multiple can be used in so many ways, it's sure to satisfy you. Smooth it over cheeks, lips, eyes and skin - anywhere you want to add a rosy glow with a hint of sparkle. $39 at better department stores or at nars.com. Comes in a variety of shades, but Orgasm is most popular, of course.

3. Moroccan Hair Oil

I've been despairing that my hair has been so brittle, tangly, and bushy lately. I'd tried all sorts of deep conditioners and styling products, but nothing seemed to help - until a friend recommended this stuff! Just a few drops of Moroccan Oil on wet hair has turned my lackluster locks into the sleek, shiny tresses of my dreams. This luxurious oil is kind of expensive (my 3.4 oz bottle cost $44 at a nearby salon) but it's absolutely worth it.

Just a quick disclaimer - I'm not being compensated to promote these products, just passing on my discoveries like any good girlfriend. If you're interested in some of my prior picks, check out these posts:

http://fortyfabulous.blogspot.com/2010/01/tips-to-survive-long-cold-winter.html

http://fortyfabulous.blogspot.com/2008/03/marjies-mainstays.html

If anyone should be paying me, it should be Crest Whitestrips - I've mentioned them twice! Hello Procter & Gamble, do you hear me out there?

My Review of Hot Flash Havoc

2011-09-20T08:35:00.000-05:00

Until recently, I never wanted to discuss menopause. When girlfriends brought up the subject, I'd actually shudder. "Keep your voice down," I'd hiss. "People will think we're old." Then I'd recoil as if my friend had a communicable disease. I sure as hell didn't want to catch it.

But after a year of hot flashes, night sweats, sleep problems and moodiness, now I'm the one talking about menopause.

I'm so glad my friends at The Succulent Wife asked me to review the film, Hot Flash Havoc. It's a comprehensive, entertaining guide to the facts and myths regarding this completely natural time of life and it's a must see for every woman over 35. I was surprised by how misinformed I've been.

Check out my complete review and how the film helped me make a "change" that's made me feel Forty Fabulous once again.

Not a Total Slacker

2011-09-14T10:08:00.000-05:00

I took a vacation from blogging this summer, but I've still been writing for Make it Better and continuing my video series and exploration of midlife at The Succulent Wife.

Here are links to some of my latest "Sex in the Suburbs" columns as well as the most recent video I did at TSW.

5 Ways Sex Makes You Younger
6 Reasons Why Women Cheat
Staying Married for the Money - Can You Still be Happy?

Shrugging Off My First World Problems

2011-09-13T08:59:00.000-05:00

Yacht trouble?
This iphone app's for you.

There's a new trend sweeping the internet called "First World Problems" - or, on twitter, #firstworldproblem. Actually, since I know about it, this trend is probably on it's way out, but I just discovered it and I think it's both hilarious and illuminating. First World Problems are problems that most people on our planet can't fathom being troubled by, because they are the concerns of affluence.

Here are a couple I picked up on Twitter:

My kid just made the honor roll so now I have to deface my Audi with a bumper sticker.
I saw a hipster wearing a shirt I donated to the Salvation Army and now I want it back.
I'd just achieved the perfect blend of cream and sugar in my coffee when my waitress poured a free refill into my cup.

Funny, right? But in addition to being an entertaining way to waste time on my iMac, the First World Problem concept has made me rethink the things that I get worked up about on a daily basis. Like...

My daughter left six pairs of shoes lying in the front hall.
The sprinkler system turned on at 4am and woke me up.
Can I saute with olive oil or does high heat turn it into saturated fat?

I mean, really. Are these problems, or privileges?

Of course, when compared to Third World issues like fresh water, literacy and basic human rights, almost all of our modern concerns seem frivolous. Hey, I'm not taking away our inalienable right to bitch, but I think a little global perspective will help smooth out the bumps in our complicated, abundant lives. Often, the things that stress out us most, just aren't important!

So for today, instead of getting freaked out because our brand new universal remote is on the fritz or that my rotten performance in my tennis match made me move down five places on the league ladder, I'm going to appreciate the fact that I have a flatscreen TV and the leisure time to play a sport at all.

Now I'm off to eat three bananas before they turn brown in my fruit bowl. Enjoy your First World day!

For more First World Problems, check out whitewhine.com.

10 Women who Inspire Me Now

2011-09-12T12:56:00.001-05:00

I grew up in the era of Charlie's Angels and Victoria Slims' "You've Come a Long Way Baby" models, but I was more influenced by Gone with the Wind's Scarlett O'Hara ( I read the book a dozen times) and Cher, who remains the only celebrity I've ever written a fan letter. What Scarlett and Cher had in common for me was their unabashed bravery in flouting the standards of how women were supposed to behave. They were showy and ballsy and weren't afraid to go after what they wanted. Oh, and they had fun and wore great clothes.

Does it get any cooler than Chrissie?

I'm still a fan of both, but now that I'm older, I thought I'd put together a list of women of all ages who inspire me today. I'd love to hear who's on your list!

1. Chrissie Hynde (60) - When I was the token chick in a cover band, one of the few female fronted groups that the guys were really excited to play was the Pretenders. Why? Because even by guy standards, Chrissy rocks. That bad-ass, gravelly, sexy, screw you alto was irresistible, and when I sang Back on the Chain Gang or Middle of the Road, I felt a little of her gritty, rebellious, passion rubbing off on my soul. I had the chance to see her perform a couple years ago at the Riviera, and in her late 50s, she was cooler than ever.

2. Serena Williams (29)- I love tennis, so I have to love Serena, the most dramatic, committed, excitingly dominant player in woman's tennis today (despite her loss yesterday to Stauser in the U.S. Open final.) She has had ups, she has had downs, but when this woman is on her game, she is fucking fierce, and it's a beautiful thing to see a woman exude such confidence, power and raw physicality. I even love her temper tantrums.

Wish I looked this good.

3. Helen Mirren (66) - This brilliant, funny, beautiful Brit actress appears to embrace her age and savor her life, all while still rocking a bikini (see right.)

4. Marlo Thomas (73) - I had the chance to interview Marlo last year, so I may be biased, but this woman continues to be one of the most significant voices for women in our time. She is so much more than "That Girl." She's a feminist icon, the face of St. Jude, and continues to bring women together to talk about meaningful, modern issues at her website. If I'm thinking about a subject, chances are, she has already covered it there.

5. Michelle Obama (47) - Whether or not you agree with her politics, Michelle Obama is a warm, dignified, intelligent, sophisticated first lady who obviously is hot for her husband, adores her children, and conducts herself with confidence and class. Not to mention, she looks fantastic - so chic, so real, and so comfortable in her skin.

6. Tina Fey (41) - Whip-smart, hilarious author and screenwriter who somehow made it into the SNL boys' club. Actor, comedian, performer, producer, star. Of course I'm inspired by Tina Fey. I want to BE Tina Fey.

7. Lady Gaga (25) - I don't get what the hell this chick is up to 90% of the time, but I love her for being so freaking creative and groundbreaking with her image, her music, and her message.

Nina Garcia -
high fashion, high standards

8. Nina Garcia (46)- I adore this Colombian fashion editor in her role as judge on Lifetime's Project Runway. She is looks fantastic without trying too hard - a combination of classic and cool - which I aspire to as a 40-something woman. But more than her looks, I admire her exacting standards for the designers on the show and her unwillingness to pull any punches in her critique. I, for one, would hate to ever let Nina down. And she has written four books - including The Little Black Book of Style, which I own.

9. Kathryn Bigelow (59) - Bigelow won an Academy award for Best Director for The Hurt Locker in 2010 -far from a girly film. Not only was she the first woman to ever win this category, she beat her ex-husband, James Cameron, nominated for Avatar. Call that karma!

10. Jennifer Garner (39)- In a world of emaciated, overly done, surreal looking starlets toting toddlers while tottering on stilettos, actress Jennifer Garner obviously has her priorities straight. She's a hands-on mom who looks healthy, pretty and natural when hanging with her kids, yet can amp up the glamour on the red carpet when she needs to. So refreshing!

There are a lot more women who inspire me, some famous, but many you've never heard of. Like the foursome of ladies in their 80s who play tennis on the court next to me on Monday mornings, and a girlfriend who has turned her personal struggles into incredible activism for victims of rape and children with cancer, an insightful life coach, and my mother - who at 70 - is just hitting her stride as as an artist.

When I look ahead and think about the qualities I want to embody, I don't need to start from scratch. There are so many fantastic women all around me to use as role models and mentors.

So, who inspires you?

Here are some other inspiring women I've written about in the past:
Annie Burnside, Soul Nurturer and Enlightened Parenting Expert
Sheri, a 43 year-old woman who went through in-vitro to have a child on her own
Singer-Songwriter Stephanie Rogers, who is releasing her new album this week!

Gone Fishing

2011-07-10T09:58:00.000-05:00

I've been neglecting Forty Fabulous for the last few weeks and I think I'll keep it up for a while. I need to regroup and find the right balance of meaningful, fun material that will satisfy, entertain and enlighten both me and YOU, my dear readers. In June, when I attempted to write every day, I fizzled. I turned to my own experiences and opinions for material too often and frankly, I'm damn sick of myself!

So I'm taking a break and going off the grid. Let's just say I've gone fishing.

But, just like Arnold in the Terminator, I'll be back. And when I am, I'll do everything I can to get and hold your attention.

If I've covered anything you particularly enjoyed over the last three years, I'd sure appreciate hearing about it. In the meantime, enjoy your summer!

I've got a GILT-y Shopping Habit

2011-06-22T17:49:00.001-05:00

Are you in the habit of shopping online? I'm in love with Gilt right now. Thursday, I was invited to a swanky Gilty Kids cocktail party at the Trump Tower's rooftop bar by my blogging brand ambassador friend Meredith Sinclair of hoo-dee-hoo.com fame. In addition to the yummy drinks and tantalizing appetizers, we guests were treated to a $100 Gilt gift certificate. So now I'm obsessed with finding the perfect object on which to blow my wad.

Yesterday I considered this Chan Luu bracelet for $110 (reg. $250)

Today I salivated over this Nanette Lepore handbag at $149 (reg. $295):

The deals are great and the designers delicious, but in the world of Gilt, if you snooze you lose, and now both of these coveted items are sold out. I can get on the waiting list, but something better might come along tomorrow. And I haven't even begun to explore the stuff for the home, or the gifts or the restaurants.

But I intend to use this gift card by the end of the week. I'll report back with my purchase!

Gilt Update as of 6/25! Here is what I bought with my gift card - a Berge Burgundy Ponyhair Belt for $95 (regularly $182.) I know it's not very summery, but I love the color, don't have anything like it, and can see myself wearing it ALL the time. It also comes in black and leopard.

Undies Uncovered - Sexy Solutions for Women over 40

2011-06-21T12:25:00.003-05:00

It's the first day of summer and it's time to lighten up with two lingerie product recommendations I've just got to share! These two little items are not only pretty, they're practical. And they're enthusiastically endorsed by real women over 40. Of course, every body is different, so make sure you try them on for yourself to ensure they work for you.

Image - Hankypanky.com

1. Hanky Panky Thong
I can hardly believe that I'm recommending a thong, because I professed my hatred of the torturous garments at length two years ago (Confessions of a Prude.) But now I've found Hanky Panky's Original Stretch Lace style. These one-size-fits-all panties are feminine and sexy, but more importantly, the rear strip is stretchy and wide enough that it lightly skims your backside with none of the the painful wedgie effects that make other thongs so friggin' uncomfortable. The crotch panel stays in place too, without bunching or disappearing into the nether regions. Too much information? Oh, just try them. Hanky Panky also makes lower-rise styles and petite and woman's sizes. Sexy, comfy and no panty lines - what took me so long? Price: $18.

Image - Bloomingdales.com

2. The NuBra
I haven't tried this one myself, but this innovative garment was a big topic at a recent moms happy hour. Unlike other bras, the NuBra has no straps or fasteners. The supportive silicone cups stay in place by suction and a simple, cleavage-creating hook. With the NuBra, your boobs look (and feel) naturally smooth, shapely and perky! You can wear skimpy or sheer summer tops without worrying about ugly lines, sleazy straps, or the dreaded "nip slip."

My Fortyfabulous friend Coco* swears by it. The NuBra also has the added benefit of covering irregularities and areas dimpled by surgery. Follow this link to see a video of how the NuBra is applied. Fits A, B, and C cups. Price: $60.

After my recent discoveries, I suspect that there are a lot of other cool and useful lingerie products I've been missing out on. So please, if you've got any tips, share them here!

*Not her real name, but she's definitely a Coco to me

The Secret to Developing New Habits

2011-06-20T10:12:00.006-05:00

Earlier this month I vowed to devote one hour a day to new, healthy, life-changing habits (see below). An hour of change per day seemed like a modest enough goal for a gal who's in the market for transformation. Nothing too taxing, lots of variety - achievable stuff designed to build my confidence that lasting change was indeed possible at this point in life.

10 mins - Quiet Contemplation
5 mins - Keep Food Journal

15 mins -Tackle a Terrible Task

25 mins- Vigorous exercise

5 mins - Bedtime beauty routine (floss, skin care)

While I've made an effort in all the areas, after two weeks, the only new habit I've integrated on a daily basis is my 5 minute bedtime beauty routine - which basically is flossing my teeth and washing & moisturizing my face.

My gums are pink and healthy and I wake up with a fresh-faced glow, but this is not exactly an earth-shattering achievement. But I'm also trying to think positively, so hey, at least I've developed one new daily habit! Whoo hoo!

Click for GH's tips to better
skin at night.

I'm certain the reason I've been successful with the new beauty routine is because it occurs at exactly the same point of my day - before bed. The other jobs are floating out there in whenever-land.

This all goes back to the importance of managing your calendar, as my organizing guru, Colleen Collins Josellis taught me back in February. So, rather than beat myself up and abandon my goals, I'm going to consider them mandatory and schedule them into my day. I hope that giving them a specific time slot will turn them into habits as rote as brushing my teeth or pouring a cup of coffee. I'll give you a progress report on how that's working for me at the end of the month.

In the meantime, for some real inspiration, check out this article written by my friend, Christy Coughlin, called the 7 Secrets of Super Fit Women. These motivated chicks don't let anything stand in the way of their health and fitness goals.

And if you find their routines too daunting, just remember me, dab on some eye cream and feel good about yourself!http://www.goodhousekeeping.com/beauty/skin/night-treatment

The Point of Staying in the Moment

2011-06-17T15:12:00.001-05:00

“Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.”
Buddha

As a latecomer to competitive sports, I'm amazed to discover how the lessons I learn on the tennis court apply to my entire life. Yesterday, I realized how important it is to stay focused on the moment.

(image via focustennisacademy.com.au)

My Park District team played against the Saddle & Cycle Club - a gorgeous old club tucked into the Edgewater Neighborhood of Chicago. Saddle and Cycle's courts are clay, which is good for me because I don't have a powerful game and the softer surface slows things down. Anyway, my partner Betsy and I were in a groove and quickly won the first set 6-1.

In the second set our opponents made some adjustments - they lobbed, poached, and attacked down the line. Suddenly we were down 2 - 0 and I got rattled. Instead of concentrating on hitting the ball, my mind started creating all sorts of possible scenarios; none of them good.

"If we lose this game, it will be so hard to come back to take the set."
"It's so embarrassing that we're losing! What will my teammates think?"
"They have the momentum now, we'll never get it back."
"I'm letting Betsy down!"
"I'm going to miss my dentist appointment if this goes three sets!"

My anxiety affected my play. I made errors, lost my serve - I actually swung at one ball and whiffed.

"Oh my God, I stink!" I moaned to myself.

Then, remembering the advice from Gallwey's book, The Inner Game of Tennis, I decided to pull it together. Forget about the score, I told myself. Forget about my record, my ranking, my teammates and all the various things that could go wrong in the match. Focus on this point, think about this ball.

"When we unlearn how to be judgmental, it is possible to achieve spontaneous, focused play."

W. Timothy Gallwey - The Inner Game of Tennis

As soon as I stopped beating myself up and started keeping my eye on the ball, we began winning more points. Eventually, we fought our way back to take the second set 6-4.

Driving home from the match (with plenty of time to make my dentist appointment) I thought about how all that worry was not only unnecessary, it was harmful. By thinking so much about the final outcome of the match, I'd totally lost my ability to influence the game at the point level - which is the only level any match can be won!

It's so easy to slip into a pattern of negativity and worry when something goes wrong in life, but thinking about how things could turn out is often an encumbrance to making the best out of what actually is. Making a habit of focusing on the present moment, not judging ourselves or others, and staying positive is the only way to achieve winning outcome.

I "love" tennis even more for reminding me of this.

Forget Timberlake, it's Older Women Bringing Sexy Back

2011-06-15T15:08:00.000-05:00

I'm reading an encouraging little book called The Secret Pleasures of Menopause by Dr. Christiane Northrup that has cheered me up about getting older. According to this prominent OB/Gyn and recent research, we women have a lot to look forward to between the sheets in middle age and beyond!

Here are a couple excerpts from the book I'd like to pass on:

"The first idea you need to cast aside is the cultural myth that sex drive inevitably decreases after menopause. This simply is not true. The latest research shows that women in their 60s and 70's have the best sex of their lives."

According to a 2007 survey of 3000 men and women aged 57-85, "not only were most of those surveyed still sexually active, but the average frequency of sex was 2-3 times per month - the same frequency that younger adults report."

"Women aged 55 and older enjoy sex more and put more thought and effort into their sex lives than women the same age a decade ago. ... The researchers explain the difference in this way: Women who've reached midlife and beyond feel younger, are more open about their sexual needs, and are more interested in health."

Also, the study showed that a robust sex life has "less to do with how old you are and more to do with how healthy you are."

It's no secret that sex and health have a reciprocal relationship - the better you feel, the more sex you have and the more sex you have, the better you feel. The very good news is that age doesn't affect this equation.

So to celebrate, I'll propose a toast - To your health!

Man Up and Take a Compliment

2011-06-13T13:26:00.001-05:00

I didn't post over the weekend because I was working on this video for The Succulent Wife - a chic, entertaining resource for chicks like us. I am guest posting there once a month, providing video updates to my midlife crisis. Check out my latest, inspired by my April post on men and personal power, called Take a Compliment Like a Man.

As part of my midlife crisis, I’ve been considering the theme of empowerment. Because even though I’m on fire in many areas of my life, I sometimes feel insecure about my choices, or worry what other people think, or downplay my accomplishments. You know who doesn’t waste time undermining themselves this way? Men!

Men are comfortable talking about themselves positively; they openly share their successes and achievements. It’s not bragging – it’s confidence. And guys know how to accept praise, with none of the shirking or deflecting that women often do. I say we women have something to learn from them in this area.

One place to begin is how we receive compliments. If someone is insightful and generous enough to express admiration for us, not only should we enjoy it – we should believe in ourselves enough to agree. It does take a shift in thinking, though. Watch my one-minute video to learn more.

The "Beadafits" of being a sure thing for your husband

2011-06-10T09:39:00.000-05:00

Last week I wrote about the book Forty Beads, the Simple Sexy Secret for Transforming Your Marriage (see my post, Develop a Sex Habit in Your Marriage.) Author Carolyn Evans explains a system where a woman gives her husband 40 beads and agrees to have sex with him within 24 hours, each time he drops a bead in her bedside bowl.

Create your own Forty Beads kit or
order this one at Amazon.com

The arrangement is intended to balance different libido levels in a relationship, but it seems pretty one-sided, right?

I spoke to Carolyn (who is as lovely over the phone as she appears in her video, below) and asked her - so what do we women get out of Forty Beads?

According to Carolyn, here are just some of the "beadafits" she and other women have experienced:

1. A loving, connected relationship with her husband.
2. A husband who is completely tuned into her needs.
3. An appreciation of her own sensuality.
4. The best sex of her life.

"It absolutely changed the way I feel about sex," Carolyn says, "Sex gets better the more you open yourself up to it. Saying yes (vs. no all the time) is an expansive experience."

And, while beading couples do have sex more frequently than they used to, it's not as big of an increase as you might think. The beads create a feeling of sexual abundance in the relationship - so the guys are relaxed and not always so desperate to secure it.

Y'all, it sounds like it's worth a try to me. I say, bead me up, Scotty!

Moms, do you wanna be a MILF?

2011-06-09T08:37:00.000-05:00

The term "Milf," which originated as an acronym for the crude term Mother I'd Like to F*@k, has evolved into a semi-legit noun that creates mixed feelings amongst we moms. I mean, we're not interested in the attention of guys young enough to be our sons (are we?) but we'd still appreciate being considered hot by other men.

Check out my article at Make it Better where I delve into the contradictions of this term and interview author Sarah Maizes about her fun new book, Got Milf ? The modern mom's guide to feeling fabulous, looking great and rocking a minivan.

Milfs seem to be the sexy older chicks of choice in the media these days, but I still have a fondness for the classic Cougars which I wrote about admiringly a few years back. Follow the link to my article "Feline Fantasy" to reminisce with me!

And check back tomorrow, when I give a sneak peek to my interview with Carolyn Evans, author of Forty Beads - the Simple Sexy Secret for Transforming Your Marriage.

Shut Up Gremlins, I Know What I'm Doing

2011-06-08T12:03:00.000-05:00

I generally have a positive outlook, but sometimes - when I get criticized, lose focus, hit a roadblock or tackle something new - doubts, worries and anxious self-talk will creep into my head. Life coach Carol Moss calls these undermining thoughts "gremlins" and they can be vicious little monsters. Here's a sampling of the nastiness my gremlins pepper me with.

Get back in your box!

Who do you think you are?

You're ridiculous.

That's not gonna work.

No one's interested in that.

You don't have the experience.

You don't deserve it.

Your opinion doesn't matter.

You forgot something.

What will people think?

Don't stand out.

Act your age, be more ladylike.

You're fat/ugly/old/irrelevant.

You don't fit in.

When those spiteful gremlins (or some real life critic) show up and leave me feeling shaky, I've got a tried and true method for getting them back in their box - I whip out my personal mantra.

I've used this five word phrase for years and it's nothing mystical or new age. I simply repeat to myself..

I know what I'm doing.

I know what I'm doing.

I know what I'm doing.

I know what I'm doing.

This simple phrase brings me great comfort, and by placing emphasis on different words, my mantra has a wide range of reassuring meanings: I'm in control of myself, my opinion is the one that matters, I'm smart, I'm following a course of action I believe in, I'm consciously choosing what's happening to me, etc. It's awesome!

"I know what I'm doing" shuts up most of my gremlins, but you'll probably find other phrases that work better for you. For small glitches, mistakes and annoyances, I frequently mutter "It's no big deal" because most of the time, it really isn't.

I also admire Amy Poehler's proclamation (as quoted by Tina Fey in her hilarious book, Bossypants) "I don't fucking care if you like it!"

1 Hour of New Habits per Day

2011-06-07T09:45:00.000-05:00

The forecast is a steamy 92 degrees, but it feels like January to me because I can't spend this month examining habits without resolving to change some of mine. I've made resolutions before, lots of them, and you probably have too. It's not that we don't know what we should be doing, it's just damn hard to do it!

There are many reasons it's hard - our brains and bodies are actually wired to resist change. Forming new habits requires discipline.

"Some people regard discipline as a chore. For me, it is a kind of order that sets me free to fly." Julie Andrews

I have been disciplined about writing every day, and I feel good about it. But here are some of the many other habits I've vowed to develop in the past:

Even little habits require discipline

Floss, keep food journal, exercise daily, meditate,wash my face before going to bed, go to bed early, drink lots of water, eat dark, leafy vegetables/whole grains/lean protein, cut out sugar & junk food, take a multi-vitamin/vitamin D/ calcium supplement, be thankful, keep a gratitude journal, expect the best, stay on top of terrible tasks, send birthday cards and thank you notes on a timely basis.

Not to mention lose 10 pounds, write a book, discover my life's purpose, spend quality time with my kids and husband, contribute meaningfully to my community, organize my closets, improve my tennis game, start playing golf, travel the world, read the classics and become a sexy hot vixen - all before I hit 50.

I do some of these things some of the time but, unlike making my bed and brushing my teeth, they're not habits. I know they're worthy goals, necessary goals, but looking at the long list is overwhelming. How can I make so many changes? And realistically, how much time do I have to devote to this stuff anyway?

Let's say I have an hour. An hour a day I can do. And I want to pack as much into that time as possible.

Here's the breakdown of how I'll spend the 60 minutes I'm devoting to new habits:

10 mins - Quiet Contemplation (to increase feelings of well-being, connectedness, gratitude, optimism)

5 mins - Keep Food Journal (to be mindful of diet calorically and nutritionally)
15 mins -Tackle a Terrible Task (handle something awful but important)
25 mins- Vigorous exercise (must include sweating and panting!)
5 mins - Bedtime beauty routine (remove makeup,wash face, moisturize, floss!)

There, I've written it and so I shall do it! Oh, and based on my experience yesterday, if I need help I will ask for it.

Hey, if you had an extra hour, what changes would you make to your daily routine?

About a Man and a Kite

2011-06-06T17:25:00.003-05:00

I was tying my shoes before heading out for a power walk this morning, when Kelly started getting all excited, thinking this meant a walk for her. I adore my pooch, but walking Kelly is not an aerobic activity. She likes to sniff and pee and and dawdle, and me dragging her along to keep a brisk pace is not fulfilling for either of us.

"Oh no," I groaned aloud, "Kelly's going crazy for a walk, but I need to exercise."

"I'll walk her," offered my 14 year-old daughter.

"You will?"

"Sure," Emma shrugged. No big deal.

What an amazing development. I practically skipped out the door.

As I headed to the park, I thought about how often I get offers for help - from friends or relatives or complete strangers - and turn them down. I'm reluctant to ask for help too; like needing assistance makes me stupid or incompetent. I hate the idea of being a burden. Also, I'm a little shy.

I certainly don't judge people that way when they ask me for a favor or advice. I feel good that I can help out and flattered to be asked. And, like my daughter offering to walk the dog, most of the time it's no big deal.

In a month when I'm examining my habits, this is one I'd like to change. I can ask for help when I need it! I don't need to know everything. It's perfectly okay!

Lovelace Park, Evanston IL

I had a chance to test my new resolution almost immediately. Lovelace Park has a lovely half-mile track that circles around a pond, a soccer field and a playground. On my first lap around the path I passed an older man serenely flying a kite.

I gave the guy a little smile as I marched by - kites are fun! Then it dawned on me how extraordinary it was that a grown man was at the park flying a kite all by himself. This is something I couldn't imagine doing myself. I spent my second lap wondering about the guy. Why was he flying this kite? Was it for the benefit of some kid I hadn't noticed? Was he mentally impaired? Was this his regular pastime or had he decided to give it a try for the hell of it?

On the third lap, it came to me. If I wanted to know about this man and his kite, I could simply stop and ask him about it. I could ASK. So I did.

"It's so cool that you're flying a kite!" I said brightly, because I've found that people are more receptive if you give them a sincere compliment first.

"Well, thank you," he said, clearly pleased that I'd noticed.

"I just have to ask, why are you doing it?"

"Oh, it was something I tried as a kid and could never do, and a year or so ago I thought that maybe I could give it another try," he said. "A lot of people don't know how to fly kites."

"They don't?" I asked.

"Nope. See, a kite can drop 100 feet in altitude just like that. You've got to know what to do to get it back up."

This gentleman (who was perfectly normal, by the way) then demonstrated the proper technique for getting a kite into climbing mode. His kite was admirably high. I asked him if he did this often.

"I come out here a fair bit," he said, modestly.

We both were quiet, watching the kite soar in the breeze while he gently tugged on its long string. "It gets kind of Zenlike after a while."

I could see that. I said good-bye, and as I walked on I felt lighter, uplifted - from both the kite and the conversation. I'm so glad I asked.

Do you have trouble asking for things or accepting help? I'd love to hear your thoughts on this one. I ask you to please comment, below.

Develop a Sex Habit in Your Marriage

2011-06-04T17:34:00.001-05:00

June is habit month and to develop my writing habit, I've vowed to blog every day except for Sundays. Today the pressure is getting to me. It's almost 5 o'clock and it's Saturday night and my husband is taking me out for dinner. I've got 45 minutes to come up with something good and I don't have a damn thing to say about habits.

Or do I?

I write the Sex & the Suburbs column for Make it Better Magazine and in preparation for an article, I'm reading a fascinating book called "Forty Beads - The Simple Sexy Secret for Transforming Your Marriage." I'm excited to interview author Carolyn Evans. Her book is creating quite a buzz and she just appeared on the Today Show yesterday to discuss it.

The book describes a system that Carolyn improvised as a gift for her husband's 40th birthday. They'd been going through a bit of a rough patch in their marriage - busy with other things, disconnected from one another, she was getting bitchy, he was feeling resentful. (Honestly, what married couple hasn't gone through a time like this?)

Carolyn wanted to turn things around by giving her husband a birthday present that would make him really, really happy. She figured that the thing guys want more than anything is sex. But not just one mind-blowing night of sex. Men want an abundance of sex and, even more, they want to know that sex is coming their way in the future.

So, Carolyn gave her man a bag of 40 glass beads to be used like this:

1. When hubby wants sex, he places a bead in a bowl on her bedside table.
2. Wife redeems bead by having sex with hubby within 24 hour period.
3. Couple repeats until all beads have been presented.

That's it. Apparently this gift has made her husband deliriously happy and revitalized their marriage. Carolyn has reaped all sorts of unexpected and delightful benefits herself and other women "beaders" who followed in her footsteps have been similarly delighted. It's not just the regular sex that has worked this magic - it's the anticipation, appreciation, and mutual agreement that accompanies it.

Wow. I haven't finished the book yet, but I'm already formulating my interview questions. It sounds so one-sided and transactional, and it must be anti-feminist, right?

But if it really works, well, hmmm.

I can't completely give away my article for Make it Better, but I'll give you a preview of my conversation with Carolyn after we talk next week. You can learn more for yourself at www.fortybeads.com.

And now, I'm off to enjoy my Saturday night!

Don't Mess with My Morning

2011-06-03T11:45:00.000-05:00

Since I'm writing about habits, I decided to take a detailed look at mine, starting with first thing in the morning. I'm pretty attached to my routine, and honestly, I'm not looking to change this part of my day much. I like drinking coffee in bed. I like time to myself before my kids wake up. But I bet I can tweak it a bit and squeeze in another meaningful activity or two.

So here goes - in great detail, these are the things I do every single weekday before 8:15 a.m.

6:15am - Shut off alarm
Groan, moan and roll out of bed

Must have this.

Open shades and curtains
Go to bathroom, brush my teeth, grab my glasses
Go to kitchen, turn on coffee maker
Put away dishes left in sink from night before
Let dog out of mudroom, scratch dog's ears
Grab mug, heat Land o' Lakes Fat Free Half & Half in microwave
Pour brewed Starbucks Caffe Verona into mug
Do same for hubby if he hasn't left for work
Go back to bed with coffee and dog
Sip coffee, begin to feel human
Read newspaper/book or write in journal
Wake up daughter at 6:45am
Pour more coffee, continue reading/writing
Kiss husband good-bye
Make breakfast for daughter at 7:20am (she likes leftovers)
Yell at daughter "Hurry up!"
Eat bowl of Special K w/fresh berries and multi-vitamin
Discuss plans with daughter for the day
Open door for daughter's friend, greet her
Yell at daughter "Friend is here, hurry up!"
Say goodbye to daughter
Let dog out
Feed dog, freshen water
Make breakfast sandwich for son

With this.

Engage in monosyllabic conversation with son
Give son money and/or more food to take to school
Say goodbye to son
Go to computer, check calendar, weather, email
Write top to-dos for day on orange post-it note
Go back upstairs
Close kids' bedroom doors to avoid seeing frightful mess within
Go to bathroom
Take off clothes, step slowly on scale
Squint suspiciously at weight and body fat numbers displayed
Mentally subtract 4 pounds to account for cereal and coffee consumed
Wash face, moisturize, brush teeth
Examine face in magnifying mirror for stray hairs; pluck as needed
Put in contacts
Dress in workout clothes
Make bed
Take newspapers and coffee cups downstairs
Prepare to start day

Yep, that's pretty much my current morning routine. Next, I'm going to see how I can improve it.

I actually found writing all this down fascinating and now I'm super curious about other people's mornings. How do you wake up? Do you exercise, stretch, meditate, pray? Do you do laundry? Do you listen to music or NPR? Are you going to miss Oprah?

C'mon, share some details with me - while I pour myself another cup of coffee.

Bad Habits - I've come a long way baby

2011-06-02T13:44:00.001-05:00

I'm devoting this month to an examination of habits, because I'm convinced my daily routines are the best predictors of where I'm going to end up down the road. My plan is to 1) identify bad habits and shed them, and 2) introduce good habits that will set me on the path to fame, fortune, and a bod like Beyonce's.

Now, I realize this isn't going to be easy. But I've been doing some positive thinking and realize I already have a track record of breaking some significant bad habits. I'm no longer a terrible nail biter, for example. And I don't smoke.

I used to be a smoker, though. I started early, in 6th grade, the year I moved to Milford, Michigan when my mom got remarried. Back in the 70s, Milford was a pretty, rural town with apple orchards, lakes and dirt roads. It was also a hotbed of juvenile delinquent behavior and shockingly advanced compared to Rosedale Park, my former neighborhood in Detroit.

I don't know if kids in Milford had more space and freedom to act out or if they were just bored, but lunch recess at Kurtz Elementary was a rule-breaking free-for-all.

Kids would gather under the tall oaks on the far side of the playground to conduct pretend "marriages" - really just a forum for boys and girls to suck face in public. The playground equipment included huge tractor tires that we could climb into and hide from the supervisor. It was there, desperate to fit into any social circle that would have me, I tried my first puff of a cigarette. It was disgusting. But it was also dangerous and exciting and, even though the other kids laughed at my inexperience, I was "in."

Smoking was super cool back then. Ads made it look modern and glamorous, and tons of parents smoked, so it was easy to filch leftover packs of cigarettes from adult parties and carry them to school in your knee sock (also a good place to store a tampon, I later discovered.) I liked the rebelliousness of smoking, and even though I got into big trouble - I was suspended from school for three days in 7th grade - I kept it up. I snuck cigarettes in my basement, in school bathrooms, out in the woods.

I wasn't a heavy smoker - never more than a few cigarettes a day - but I defiantly kept puffing away until my mid-twenties, when one day I thought, "What am I doing? I don't like this, it tastes awful, and I'm always smoking stale cigarettes anyway. I'm in charge of my own life now, what the hell am I rebelling against?" I couldn't come up with a good answer, so I quit. I've been smoke free for over twenty years.

Oh, I had a few relapses. The hardest thing about not smoking is you don't get to hang around with the smokers anymore, who are often the coolest, most interesting people at any party. The whole ritual of smoking creates a bond - bumming a cigarette, getting a light, huddling together out in the cold. I missed that for a while.

But once I stopped looking at smoking as an act of rebellion, I just didn't need it anymore.

I think many bad habits originate for reasons that make sense at first, but don't stand the test of time. This month, I'm on the look out for those.

Forget the Muse, Just Get to Work

2011-06-01T17:21:00.000-05:00

I'm taking an amazing class I call my "Woman Empowerment" class, but the name doesn't come close to describing the wide range of material we're covering. As part of our curriculum, we've read and listened to some of the works of Steve Chandler, a life coach, business consultant, public speaker and author of 30 books. Our group was lucky to have a Q&A session with him by telephone.

Steve's books have powerful titles like 100 Ways to Motivate Yourself and Reinventing Yourself, so when it was my turn to talk with him, I wanted to discuss writing.

Image via Wikipedia

"Steve, I'm a writer, and lately I've had trouble getting motivated. I think it's because I'm feeling really happy! I usually write about things that are problems for me, or at least puzzles to work out. But right now I'm content, so I got nothin'. Do you think creativity is fueled by dissatisfaction?"

I felt pretty smarty pants about my question. Here I was with a successful author, about to compare notes about the creative process.

Steve has a deep voice and speaks verrry slowly, but it didn't take long for him to identify my happinesss as a run-of-the-mill form of procrastination.

"When I'm working on a book, I take a very blue collar approach to creativity," he said.

In other words, Steve Chandler doesn't wait for his muse to show up; he sits down every day and does his job. He may or may not feel inspired every moment, but he does the work because he knows it requires consistent effort to achieve his goals.

He speaks to this very issue in his book, Time Warrior.

If I only work when I'm "inspired" my work won't be reliable, and it won't be accountable. It won't be a grown-up activity. I'll be like some kid always trying to decide something.

My problem with productivity only happens when I don't have a discipline. Because then I wake up every day trying to decide if I feel like doing it. And that's like waking up and trying to decide whether I "feel like" flying to New York, even thought I have a ticket and a seat on the plane.

Okay, I get it. It's accountability.

Happiness be damned - moods cannot dictate whether I write or not. Call it blue collar, call it grown up, or call it a good habit (this month's theme) - but I need to develop the discipline of honest to goodness hard work, whether I "feel like it" or not.

More on this and other good habits to come!

June - A Month of Habits Good & Bad

2011-05-31T10:09:00.001-05:00

I'm frustrated because I've lost my focus and motivation for my self proclaimed midlife crisis and need to get back on track. This month, June, I am going to take a good hard look at my habits in terms of what's working, what's holding me back, and what's missing. I truly believe that the only way to change and accomplish my lofty but still nebulous goals is to get a better handle on my daily routine.

"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.” - Aristotle

I work from home, my schedule is flexible, and I'm fortunate that I call pretty much all the shots in my day. It's a great position to be in, but it's easy to get distracted. Other than my magazine deadlines, no one really cares if I write or if I'm setting up interviews or doing research. So it's easy to accept a lunch invitation, play a game of tennis, or take a walk. The distractions are fun and pleasurable, but they can't come at the expense of my writing and quest to redefine myself or I'll never accomplish anything. I need better habits.

I sat next to rock star Billy Corgan of the Smashing Pumpkins at the Chicago Make-a-Wish Ball last weekend, where he was honored for his longstanding commitment to the charity and raffled off one of his guitars. In addition to supporting this worthy cause and recording an album, Billy is also writing a book.

I admire his habits.

"Do you have a particular writing discipline?" I asked him. Of course he does. He writes stream of conscious for an hour a day, every day, and aims to produce at least 2000 words in that time.

Damn, I thought enviously, 2000 words is incredibly prolific. I can struggle for a days over a 500-word column. Of course I spend most of that time revising and editing, not writing. But I also spend it surfing the 'net, checking my email and eating Triscuits.

Anyway, here's my first new habit for the month of June: I will post here on Forty Fabulous six days a week. Yes, by the end of June I will have no fewer than 25 posts. My posts may not be as well-researched or thought out as I'd like. They'll probably contain grammatical errors, repetition and cliches. But if I'm serious about this writer gig, I have got to friggin' develop the habit of consistently producing written work.

I intend to examine my other routines - as well as those of successful, inspiring people I want to emulate. I hope that these tidbits and discoveries will be useful to YOU, so please, make a habit of checking back!

Crazy in Your 40s? Honey, you're as normal as Pie

2011-05-23T16:59:00.000-05:00

video image from amazon.com

The best-selling book, Yes, Your Teen is Crazy, explains that during adolescence, teenagers go through a volatile, hormone-driven period of bona fide mental instability. And you know what? Women in their forties do too.

During the years before menopause, estrogen levels can fluctuate wildly, resulting in mood swings, insomnia, forgetfulness, hot flashes, weight gain, and general freaking out. And even though the changes are perfectly normal, it's no fun feeling like you're going nuts.

You need to know about this phase, my Forty Fabulous friends, because it may affect you much sooner than you think. Thanks to more stressful lifestyles, symptoms are hitting women earlier than they did in our mothers' day.

"It used to be that a reliable guide to when you might expect menopause is when your mother experienced it. But the mothers of today's groundbreaking women knew nothing like the level of workplace stress and environmental toxins we live with today." Gail Sheehy , The Silent Passage.

In fact, many women start experiencing these symptoms in their early forties - even while they continue to have regular periods. I'm well down the path. In the last year I've had times of feeling weirdly at odds with my body. It's unpredictably hot, or bitchy, or tired, or horny, or bloated, or pumped up. I feel like I'm in hurricane season; constantly waiting for a storm to hit.

For women who don't know what to expect, it can be not only confusing, it can be depressing. In fact, Sheehy found in her extensive research, that on average, women reported the poorest sense of well-being at age 47 (exactly my age when I started talking about this midlife crisis.) The hormonal stuff is disconcerting enough, but when combined with the big changes that come at this time of life - kids leaving home, parents becoming more dependent, marriages being renegotiated - it's no wonder that women in their late forties feel stressed out.

The good news is that that the downer is only temporary. Sheehy found that women rebound in their fifties, and have the highest sense of well being compared to any other stage of their lives at age fifty-three!

"A profound change in self-concept begins to register with rising exhilaration for many women as they move into their fifties," Sheehy writes. "They often break the seal on repressed angers. They overcome the habits of trying to be perfect and of needing to make everyone love them."

Yippie! Look, I have no desire to become the menopause poster child, but I do think this topic is unnecessarily taboo. No one wants to admit to experiencing these changes; just mention the word and watch your girlfriends shudder in revulsion. I think we're afraid that going through menopause means crossing over to irrelevancy and cronedom.

How comforting to know that our happiest, most exhilarating years are still ahead!

Gratifying Benefits of Breathing Deep

2011-05-20T08:33:00.000-05:00

The Labyrinth is one of the many places to catch a breath
at Canyon Ranch in Lenox, MA

One of the things that was constantly reinforced during my stay at the fabulous Canyon Ranch was the importance of deep breathing. Not just in meditation sessions, but in lecture after lecture and in every exercise class, we were asked to focus on our breath. I even took a breathing lesson, which sounds kind of ridiculous, but actually isn't. Apparently very few of us know how to breathe properly. We run around panting like little hamsters, feeling all frantic and worked up, instead of taking the deep belly breaths we need to maintain our health, vitality and peace of mind.

It's not difficult to breathe deeply but you do have to pay attention to achieve it. Here's the basic technique I learned at Canyon Ranch.

"Assume a comfortable position. Mindfully relax your body, releasing any areas of tension or constriction. Observe your breath. As you inhale (through nose), the lower edge of the rib cage and the abdomen should expand. As you exhale, the opposite should occur. Do not force the movement of the abdomen. Allow the breath to naturally move through the body."

Breathing deeply from the diaphragm has many benefits. Not only does it lower stress and blood pressure, it balances our immune system, reduces cravings, improves circulation, and even lessens hot flashes!

But there's more. Different breathing techniques can be used to relax, to energize, to fall back asleep, and even to achieve orgasm. Yep, that's right. Just check out the video below to see how easily it can be done, as sex educator Sheri Winston demonstrates. (Don't worry, it's not pornographic, just a bit noisy.)

Now, this particular technique was not taught at Canyon Ranch and I myself have not mastered it. But as for the benefits of deep breathing, I'm sold.

Aaahhh.

Vision Board Video

2011-05-17T22:53:00.000-05:00

Hey, take 2 minutes to check out my latest video which is part of a series I've been producing for the fantastically delicious site, The Succulent Wife. I've talked about my vision board experience before, but it's so gratifying to see things on my board show up in real life!

Life is Good and I'm Goofing Off

2011-05-17T15:07:00.001-05:00

Is happiness bad for my work ethic?

I haven't written much this month, not because I'm over my midlife crisis, but because I've been too busy having too much fun.

The first week of May I took myself to Canyon Ranch, a beautiful, inspiring spa and health retreat nestled in the Berkshires in the little town of Lenox, Massachusetts. What a luxury to spend five days on my own, learning the latest about longevity and prevention, revamping my diet, stepping up my work out, and indulging in some much needed pampering.

Canyon Ranch isn't cheap, but I consider the investment to be completely worth it, both for me and my family. Since I've been home I've been moving more, drinking less, eating better, thinking positively and sleeping like a baby. Ah! Now that was a vacation.

I thought I'd be writing a lot about my Canyon Ranch experiences, but you know what? I just haven't felt like it. Since I've been home both the weather and my social life have picked up. My husband and I tore up the dance floor at a Cinco de Mayo bash, a girlfriend threw herself a 50th birthday party at the local wine shop. I had plays to see, walks to take, a basketball team to root for.

This weekend I took my son on a college visit trip, and even though we were plagued by thunderstorms, delays, and diversions, we had an incredibly special couple of days together. I'm so damn excited about his future, I can't help but feel a little fired up about my own.

So you see? I've been happy. And therefore not at all inclined to produce work. Which makes me wonder - are happiness and ambition incompatible? Does productivity and achievement require a person to be perpetually dissatisfied? Must there always be a problem to fix or a flaw to correct in order to progress? Is happiness making me lazy?

Whatever. Instead of questioning my enjoyable state of being, I think I'll support Penelope Cruz's philosophy of life.

"My ambition is to be happy," says the talented beauty.

Mine too, Penelope! I may be goofing off, but I'm smart enough to enjoy the good times (and thank god, the good weather) when they come along.

Maria Shriver Struggles with Midlife Transitions

2011-05-12T09:51:00.000-05:00

I was saddened to hear that Maria Shriver and husband Arnold Shwarzenegger are separating. I've always loved Maria since her days hosting the CBS Morning News in the 80's, and her marriage to the muscle bound action star turned Governor seemed to work in a weird, mismatched way.

The journalist, author and mother of four, now 55, has faced many changes at midlife. She lost her father earlier this year and ended her stint as California's first lady. In this video from her website, mariashriver.com, which was posted a few months ago, she expresses uncertainty about the future and the pain of making transitions.

I like her more than ever and wish her well, wherever her transition takes her.

Here Comes the Sun - and a lovely lunch al fresco

2011-04-30T13:20:00.000-05:00

After the rainiest Chicago April in 50 years, the sun came out on Friday - just in time for a Springtime birthday celebration for several friends (including me) hosted by my talented and gracious friend Suzanne. It wasn't even all that warm out, but armed with wraps, pink champagne and an outdoor heater, we were thrilled to enjoy the beautiful al fresco lunch Suzanne provided on her charming front porch.

Oh, heck - just scroll down - the pictures speak for themselves.

When it comes to inspiration, there's nothing like the beauty of a sunny early spring day - and the company of girlfriends!

Is a Midlife Crisis all about Sex?

2011-04-29T08:16:00.001-05:00

As I continue to create my own midlife crisis, this exploration is suddenly resulting in many connections and coincidences - discoveries that are kind of amazing - and the unifying theme here is none other than sex.

The classes I'm taking, the books I'm reading, the people I'm meeting, the dreams I'm having - the stars are aligned. My new guru has an S-Factor pole in her living room and attends conferences with Shameless author Pamela Madsen. My friends are scheduling Enamour photo shoots, sex toy parties, and romantic getaways. They're getting frisky, taking ownership, celebrating themselves. Which all leads me to conclude -

A midlife crisis is all about sex.

Dana Delany is a chick who clearly
feels sexy (pic from IMDb.com)

It's not a complete shocker that I've come to this conclusion. After all, the two things I write about are 1) middle age (here at Forty Fabulous) and 2) sex and relationships (over at Makeitbetter.net.) I have fun exploring titillating topics, but I've never felt that sexuality was my main focus. I've seen it as just one tool - along with curiosity, courage, wit, and generosity - for a mature chick to get it going on.

But when I get specific about what it means to have it "going on," I mean a woman who feels great about herself, is excited by life, is physically, emotionally and intellectually alive, who connects with others and has a rockin' good time. A woman who is sexy! Someone like Dana Delany, pictured, who at 55 seems to embody all those traits. She obviously feels like one smoking hot babe. Do you?

I do!

   Well, sometimes.

   Lately not so much....

   Thus my midlife crisis.

Like pretty much everybody, sexuality is an important aspect of my identity. The idea of going through the next half of my life not feeling hot is a bleak prospect. I don't mean other people thinking I'm hot (although, feel free.) I don't even mean having lots of hot squealy-pig sex (though I'm a fan.) I mean feeling hot about myself and feeling connected to that electric vibe that runs through my core, the sense of anticipation that says - hey I'm ready, everything is possible, bring it on!

Because when you feel like that, age is irrelevant.

The job here is to figure out how to dial up that current; keep it zipping and zapping as long and strong as possible. At this point in life - with kids and hormones and bills and responsibilities - what's exciting? What's a turn-on now? It's not the same stuff that did it 20 years ago. Just a few of the things that get my pulse racing are singing onstage and dancing in the kitchen and interviewing someone fascinating and getting my husband to... Oops. I've promised to keep him out of this - at least as far as the blog is concerned.

Anyhow, I intend to have a lot of fun exploring this area. Check back soon, because I'm going on a retreat where I hope to gets lots of inspiration. Til then, have a sexy weekend!

Musings on Men and Personal Power

2011-04-22T11:02:00.000-05:00

This month, as I've been looking for inspiration, I've also been playing around with the theme of empowerment. Part of my midlife crisis is that I waste a lot of my mind time questioning what I'm doing - is it the right thing, am I doing it well, does it matter, what do other people think, am I being selfish? All of these thoughts are undermining and unproductive.

You know who doesn't waste time with all this paralyzing, wobbly self-doubt? Men!

I've been watching The Tudors series on DVD - if you didn't see it on Showtime, I highly recommend - and Jonathan Rhys Meyers (hot!) as King Henry VIII embodies male confidence to the extreme. His attitude is simple: he is entitled to any outcome he desires and whatever he desires - no matter how self serving, contradictory, or reckless - is worthy.

It's not exactly a kindly, moral attitude but I kind of dig it. It's damn efficient.

Obviously, not all men feel as divinely empowered as a medieval king, but I do appreciate the male trait of straightforwardly owning their skills, opinions, and accomplishments. So often women demure, side-step, make excuses. We rethink even our tiniest decisions.

I've started taking an inspiring women's class (more on this to come) where we practiced giving and receiving sincere compliments. If I need a role model for this, I only have to look as far as my own husband.

"You look great," I'll tell him.

"I do," he'll reply, "I'm a f**king stud." And he's not kidding.

Men are insightful about midlife too

2011-04-14T08:08:00.002-05:00

While I write from the female perspective, I love knowing that men are also thoughtful about the meaning of this time of life. My friend and former colleague (okay, boss!) Jim Sullivan is a leadership consultant who helps executives lead from the heart. His recent blog post about age not being the true measure of life really resonated with me. Here's an excerpt:

"Mae West was famous for saying “It’s not the men in your life, honey; it’s the life in your men.” That’s a funny way of saying that, in a heads-up trade-off, quality beats quantity any day.

So, I’ll offer this thought to a couple of days of brilliant blog posts from my gifted colleagues:

Your life is measured by what you pay attention to.

When you think about it, your attention is YOU. It’s literally your “life force.” It’s the energy you summon and give to the world around you.

It’s really the scarce resource in our lives. Not money. Not even time. It’s our attention."

Follow this link to read Jim's complete post, titled "What we Attend To."

My Midlife Crisis Reading List

2011-04-13T16:14:00.000-05:00

In a month when I'm looking for inspiration, I thought I'd share some of the books that have helped put my midlife crisis in motion. I've read them all (except for the last three which are next on my list) and highly recommend them. Some are heavy, some are just plain fun - but I'm sure you'll find something on this list that will spark your interest. If you click on the title, it will take you to the book's page over at Amazon.

Books on Women's Roles, Transitions, and Positive Change
The Breaking Point: How the Female Midlife Crisis is Transforming Today's Women, Sue Shellenbarger
A Woman's Worth, Marianne Williamson
If Not Now, When: Reclaiming Ourselves at Midlife, Stephanie Marston
Fruitful, Anne Roiphe
The Right Questions: Ten Essential Questions to Guide You to an Extraordinary Life, Debbie Ford

Books on Reclaiming your Juicy, Sexy, Bad-Ass Self

Shameless, Pamela Madsen (I interviewed her!)
Mama Gena's School of Womanly Arts: Using the Power of Pleasure to Have Your Way with the World, Regena Thomashauer

Books on Creativity and Performance

The Artist's Way, Julia Cameron
Creating a Life Worth Living, Carol Lloyd
12 Secrets of Highly Creative Women, Gail McMeekin
The Inner Game of Tennis, W. Timothy Gallwey (applies to the game of life, not just tennis!)
Books on Looking Great After 40

40 After 40, 40 Things Every Woman over 40 Needs to know About Getting Dressed, Brenda Reiten Kinsel
How Not to Look Old, Charla Krupp
Lit From Within, Victoria Moran

Next on My List

Women Who Run with the Wolves, Clarissa Pinkola Estes
Passages, Predictable Crises of Adult Life, Gail Sheehey
The Wisdom of Menopause: Creating Physical and Emotional Health and Healing During the Change, Christiane Northrup

If you have a book that has inspired you, I'd love to hear about it!

3 Good Things - Write them down and Get Happy

2011-04-10T13:15:00.000-05:00

In today's Sunday Trib Magazine I read an article by Nara Schoenberg titled Happiness, Meet Science. In it is a simple, scientifically proven way to get happier. Every night before bed, write down three things that happened during the day that made you feel good or grateful. Within weeks, you'll be measurably happier.

"The research here is pretty clear," says University of Michgan psychology professor Christopher Peterson. "People who do ("Three Good Things") on a regular basis get happier."

Okay, it seems easy enough. Here are three things that make me happy today (and it's only noon!)

My usually intense hubby's goofy animal imitations. His moose is my favorite, but today he was a very silly bunny.
The sunshine and soaring temps. It's like summer today!
A breakfast of chocolate cake, clementines and coffee in bed while reading the newspaper. Ahhh.

Gee, that took about 2 minutes - this is one habit I can keep up. And I'm feeling more cheerful already.

Got three things that made you feel good today? Go write 'em down. Or better yet, share them here and we'll get started together.

Out of my head and into the world - starting with Sex with Strangers

2011-04-08T10:39:00.002-05:00

As I continue to create my midlife crisis in 2011, I'm excited to move into April's theme - Inspiration. I used the frigid winter months to figuratively and literally clean house - take care of my body, my surroundings, my calendar, my mind. I've decluttered, pared down and cut back. Now I'm ready to get out there and seek new ideas and experiences. And April is the right month to get started.

It's still gray and bare here in Chicago; we're caught in the fifth season columnist Mary Schmich calls "Waiting for Spring." Her article about it in today's Chicago Tribune is hilarious. But I like e. e. cummings' sentiment for this time of year,

"The world is mud-luscious and puddle-wonderful."

I'm going to go out and splash around!

Originally, I wanted April to be the month of feasting on the arts. I intended to see at least 20 concerts, plays, readings, art exhibits and performances. Then, I planned for May to be all about travel and experiencing new cities and sites of natural beauty. But real life has mixed up my schedule, so I'm adapting my plan and mixing up the months. I'll be traveling and devouring every cultural event I can for the next two months - and reporting back on how all this stimuli affects me. And I've already begun.

Sex with Strangers is hot!
Image from ChicagoNow. com
Photo by Michael Brosilow

Wednesday night I saw Steppenwolf's "Sex with Strangers", a play by Laura Eason that is right up my alley. It's about sex and blogging and literature and aging and hot younger men and privacy and trying to be true to yourself while attracting an audience for your work in this digital age.

My friend Mary and I have season tickets to Steppenwolf and we like to see shows there on Wednesday evenings after dinner and a half-price bottle of wine (Wino Wednesdays!) at the hip Landmark Grill across the street. Since we enter the theatre a tad buzzed, our first criteria for any show is - does it keep us awake until intermission? Sex with Strangers passed that test and more.

I loved it! And I'm jealous. I wish I'd written this play Laura Eason, you brilliant bitch! And I completely envy actress Sally Murphy who plays Olivia and gets to explore these powerful, topical issues for two hours on stage with her smoking hot co-star, Stephen Louis Grush. I've always been turned off by tattoos, but Grush's portrayal of Ethan is making me rethink the appeal of a heavily inked torso.

I guess feeling jealous, envious, and turned on are signs of being inspired, right? April is off to a good start. Now I've got to go pack my suitcase for the weekend, cos I'm heading to Philadelphia.

Sex with Strangers runs at Steppenwolf's Upstairs Theatre through May 15th. Go see it! Here's the link for tickets: http://www.steppenwolf.org/boxoffice/productions/index.aspx?id=505

Lessons from a Month of Getting Quiet

2011-04-06T16:53:00.001-05:00

I have mixed feelings about leaving March and my theme of mindfulness behind. The month spent trying to get quiet, calm, and focused while paying attention to my inner voice and uncovering heart's desires has been both frustrating and enlightening. The first week I was sleepy, the second week I was cranky, the third week I began to make progress, and the fourth week was kind of magical.

Here's a quick summary of what I learned from the experience and then - on to April, when I am switching it up big time!

1. Quiet feels strange. At the beginning of March I banished TV, news and excessive internet use from my life and then I didn't know what to do with myself. I knew my life was noisy and cluttered, but I was surprised to find how uncomfortable the peace and quiet felt at first.

2. Sleep is a beautiful thing. If you find you can't keep your eyes open when you first try to get centered and calm, it's probably because you're exhausted. Our minds are so chock full of to-do lists and fretting, it's no surprise that when we finally stop to take a breath, all we really want to do is take a nap. Don't fight it - get the Z's you need.

3. Meditation - Just Do it. For all you skeptics out there that think meditation is a new-age, touchy-feely, mumbo-jumbo, slacker waste of time, I say this - just try it. After just a month, I feel calmer, more confident, and happier! The benefits don't stop there. According to the Mayo Clinic,

"Meditation can give you a sense of calm, peace and balance that benefits both your emotional well-being and your overall health. And these benefits don't end when your meditation session ends. Meditation can help carry you more calmly through your day and improve certain medical conditions."

4. Meditation takes practice. If meditation makes you feel bored, frustrated, scattered, or stupid - don't get discouraged. I've found it takes time and repetition to get into rhythm; just keep at it for a few minutes each day. And don't think you have to just sit there with your legs crossed, chanting "ohm." There are lots of ways to be mindful including yoga or going for a walk. The point is to fully experience the present moment, take a break from all the planning, guilt and worry, and relax.

5. Tip - Use a Playlist as a Timer. One of my biggest blocks to meditating was that I constantly worried about what time it was. Had 5 minutes passed? Had 30? I couldn't relax unless I knew. I tried setting a timer, but I'd finally get settled and it would beep and ruin the whole thing. Finally, I made a playlist of calming music, and now I just select the number of songs I have time for (usually 5-6 songs, or 20 minutes.) When the music stops playing, I can stop or continue in silence.

6. Pictures are Powerful. If you read my last entry, you know that my vision board workshop has already produced real events in my life. I'm still blown away that I ending up swimming in a cave only days after putting a similar picture on my vision board. But we humans are visual creatures, and being specific about what we want and picturing that thing in our life is much more powerful than writing a goal on a piece of paper. But you have to decide what you want! ( I'm still working on that part.)

Make sure you visualize what you really want, not what someone else wants for you."

- Jerry Gillies

7. Write it Out. I spent a lot of time writing in my journal this month. I've kept a journal since I was 15 and I still have each and every volume I've ever written in a box in my closet. Every once in a while I'll pull them out and frankly, it's awful reading. I'm a sniveling whiner, I'm horribly self-absorbed, I use terrible grammar. But the power of my journal lies in the act of writing it - the finished product is irrelevant. I work out all my problems on the page and venting there never fails to cheer me up. I'm sure it has saved thousands of dollars in psychiatry fees!

I'm not sure how profound all these realizations are - I know I'm just scratching the surface - but that's what I've learned this month. Now, I'm already a week into April and it's time to switch gears. Check back in a couple days, because now that I'm all centered and in touch with myself, I am getting out of the house and into the world, and honey, I'm looking for some inspiration!

My Vision Board is coming true - and no, I'm not drinking

2011-04-04T12:15:00.002-05:00

I was swimming through a luminous, stalactite covered underground cave in Mexico this week, when I realized I'd put the experience on my vision board. Really.

After making my first vision board with Carol Moss and friends, all those old magazines stacked on my dining room table proved irresistible, and I had to make a second one. I decided board number two would be about strength and empowerment. Because, you know what? It's time for me to stop waiting around, hoping to get noticed or validated or... chosen. It's time for me to harness my own power, dammit!

Anyway, one of the images I chose was from National Geographic of a diver swimming in a mind-blowing cave system recently discovered in Vietnam. As I positioned the picture on my board, I hesitated. I knew I'd never come close to doing anything that daring. But the photo was so powerful, I glue-sticked it down anyway.

Here's the original cave-swimming pic from National Geographic:

And here it is on my board (partially pictured):

I would never have left the comfort of my all-inclusive Riviera Maya resort if my husband, kids and family friends hadn't had their hearts set on visiting Xplor - a zip-lining, ATV driving, underground river adventure park - the thought of which made me shudder with dread. Boarding the bus that morning, I longed for my beach chair, book, and lunchtime Corona with lime. But I was determined to be a good sport.

That's how I found myself swimming through a magical, prehistoric cave. The picture below is not of me, but it's exactly what I experienced. Laughing and splashing in the glowing river it suddenly hit me.

"Hey!" I shouted to my friend Tricia, "I put this on my vision board! Nick, Emma! Cave swimming is on my vision board." It was a very cool moment.

image from www.cancungreatvacations.com

The cave system might not be as vast as the one in Vietnam, but it was breathtaking. And don't you think it's too much of a freaking coincidence that a mere six days after I slapped a picture of a person swimming in a cave on a piece of poster board, I became one?

Vision Board - An Intuitive To-Do List

2011-03-22T11:34:00.009-05:00

As part of getting centered and paying attention to my true desires this month, I asked Carol Moss, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, Life Coach and chanteuse, to lead a vision board workshop for a few friends and me.

Carol's sample vision board contained themes
of healing, balance and water.

According to Carol, a vision board is a creative do-to list that includes emotion and pictures, making it more dimensional and compelling than a handwritten list of goals. The act of seeking out images helps to clarify what you want.

"A vision board is an effective tool for tapping into the subconscious," says Carol. "It can be used for a specific purpose - like to plan a garden or clarify a relationship, or you can proceed with an open mind and simply let a theme emerge."

People are often surprised and delighted to find that things they put on their boards later manifest in real life. You can call it the law of attraction or just getting specific, but many people, including Carol, have seen concrete results. I find that very exciting!

So, this Sunday afternoon, a few open-minded girlfriends and I sat around my dining room table armed with scissors, glue sticks, poster board and a mimosa or two. To help us create an intention for the exercise, Carol read a poem by Mary Oliver and led us in a short meditation. Then we eagerly began flipping through stacks of old magazines.

Carol urged us to cut or tear out pictures that attracted us or made us feel good, without getting too analytical about the reasons why. She also told us there's no right way to create our boards and not to worry about what the other women were doing - it wasn't a competition.

After about 45 minutes of flipping and ripping, we retreated to separate corners to put our boards together. It got quiet. As I placed items on my board, I looked for connections between the pictures I'd chosen.

My vision board was jam-packed. I'm greedy.

"If I put the clock by the eggs, do you think that symbolizes anything?" I wondered aloud. Hmm.

Once we finished, Carol invited us to show our boards to the group and talk a bit about what they meant. You can see my finished product, above. It looked nothing like anyone else's; they were all unique.

I didn't have a specific purpose or topic in mind, so my board is jam-packed with many themes. I guess I'm greedy. Here's my top line analysis its meaning.

I yearn to spend time in green, fertile, primal places. I've actually had a dream about the vine-covered stone cottage in the middle of the board.
I long for juicy, bright, uplifting experiences and surroundings.
It's time to write a book!
I want to hit the road (maybe a bike trip with my man?)
I want to be strong, active, and sexy.
I desire to connect with an audience, I want to stand out.
Basically, I just want to be Beyonce.

"It says I Did It," said Carol, pointing to the upper right corner. "What is it, what did you do?"

"I don't know yet," I answered, "But it was really good, because I'm in the spotlight and everyone is applauding."

Maybe I'll have to do a separate board about the "IT" on my own.

Anyway, it's too soon to tell if any of these things pictured will manifest in my life, but trust me, I'll be looking for them. Regardless, the whole experience of creating a board with my friends was fulfilling, fun, and helped us get to know one another better.

Have you ever used a vision board to clarify your goals and desires? Would you give it a try? Please share your thoughts and experiences here. I'm envisioning a lively discussion.

Yog-ahhhhh

2011-03-16T17:53:00.000-05:00

Today I went to a yoga class. I've tried yoga a couple times in the past and could never get into it. It's sooooo slow. For the last seven years, my exercise of choice has been tennis. Run, hit, smash, spin, win!! My obsession with tennis and competitive sports has been one of my happiest discoveries since turning 40. But I'm taking a break from tennis right now because, as I keep saying, I need time to have my midlife crisis.

Archer Pose

Today I didn't go to yoga for the exercise. I went because everyone (especially you, Laura T.) is telling me it's THE way to find peace of mind, focus and tranquillity - which is my theme for the month of March. So, I found an hour-long Intro to Yoga Basics class just a mile from my home at a studio where many of my friends go.

"This class is for beginners, right?" I asked the lovely and limber instructor, who's name I didn't catch.

She said something like this was my practice and I should honor wherever I was and do as much or as little as felt right. Sounded good to me.

There were four other women in the dim studio. We started with an exercise to clear the mind, then moved to some poses and series of movements that seemed incredibly basic to start with but turned into pure torture after about 20 seconds. As I breathed deeply through my nose trying to maintain my archer pose, I decided that yoga had one thing in common with yesterday's run. The pain makes any wandering of attention impossible.

The intense poses and breathing exercises were perhaps a little different than I'd experienced before, but I'm such a novice I wasn't sure. Just as the hour was winding up, the class took a different turn. We relaxed on our backs on our mats, pulling up blankets to warm our cooling bodies. The instructor, let's call her Bree, came around and put little pillows over our eyes. Then we just lay there, in silence, breathing.

It was so relaxing I felt like I was floating. You guys, I was meditating! The only thing that ruined my bliss was the tiny worry that we were running late and my parking meter would expire. But there was still much more to come.

Bree explained that we were going to do a very beautiful healing meditation, in honor of the people of Japan and the devastation that occurred there. She pressed a button and a ethereal song began - Ra Ma Da Sa Sa Say So Hung. My classmates, with their enviable breath control, sang along in one tuneful exhale. I did my best, after an internal giggle over the "so hung" part. The room resonated with our voices. It was moving and powerful. By the time we were finished, several of us were in tears. I may have shed one or two myself.

By now, with the meditating and singing and praying and emoting, I was pretty sure I was not in a Intro to Yoga class at all. When I came home, feeling as clean and clear as a whistle, I rechecked the studio schedule online. Sure enough, I had joined a Kundalini yoga class, which ran at the same time as Yoga Basics. Kundalini is described as one of the more spiritual types of yoga that appeals to those who are up for both mental and physical challenges.

Given my purpose for the month of March, I can't help but think I ended up exactly where I was meant to be this morning. And if my chanting in any tiny way helped the people of Japan cope with the aftermath of the earthquake and tsunami, I am grateful. Namaste.

(The mantra we sung was very similar to the one in the video, below.)

Running in The Now

2011-03-15T20:19:00.000-05:00

To improve my ability to live in the moment, I'm taking the advice of friends. While many of my friends swear by yoga, meditation tapes and classes, (which I hereby vow to try) my pal Liz has no patience for such sedentary pursuits.

"Meditation is too still," she says, "running is where it's at!"

After all my frustrating attempts at meditation I've been feeling a little antsy, so this morning, inspired by Liz, I took a short run. Actually, it was a very short run - about a mile and a half. (I measured it at this very cool website called gmap-pedometer.com.) And it wasn't very fast either. But for the purposes of mindfulness, my little run was a big success. Because I made a discovery.

Nothing keeps you living in the moment like PAIN!

As I lurched around the playfields with burning lungs and rubbery legs, I felt completely connected to The Now. There was no worry about the future, no guilt about the past, no incessant to-do list rattling around in my brain. Just me and my ragged breathing making our way through the chilly mist of an almost Spring day.

I'm not really recommending pain as an ongoing meditation practice, but I think Liz has something here with the running. Tomorrow, I'm trying yoga!

Video intro to my midlife crisis

2011-03-14T14:12:00.000-05:00

If you're wondering why I am switching topics each month, it's because I've got a plan for Forty Fabulous for 2011 - I'm exploring themes relating to the female midlife crisis. Why? Because I'm having one!

This 1.5 minute video is a quick intro to what motivated me to tackle this project. I'll be sharing monthly video summaries of my progress at thesucculentwife.com - a very cool site which presents "serendipitous lifestyle finds" for chicks like us.

Meditation Stresses Me Out

2011-03-14T13:33:00.000-05:00

I feel like a slacker. I have no insights or inspiration to share so far this month. It's not that I haven't been putting in the effort. Each day I've spent time trying to get still and quiet to become aware of my inner thoughts and feelings. The first week all I did was doze off; this week I'm just frustrated.

I'm frustrated because when I sit down, cross my legs, close my eyes and to try to meditate, one of the following things happens:

1. I get bored.

Will I ever get the benefits from meditating?
(Photo from meditatebehappy.com)

2. I feel silly.

3. I think about all the other things I should be doing.

4. I feel guilty that I can't clear my mind.

5. I'm disappointed that I have no deep thoughts or revelations.

6. The phone rings, the dog barks or I am otherwise interrupted.

Can't I go back to February and clean out a closet or shred a bunch of documents? I was much happier when I had lots of concrete tasks on my to-do list! Who would have thought that expending so little effort would be so damn difficult?

But difficult or not, it's only the 14th, and I've committed to spending all of March on this theme. No one said a creating a midlife crisis would be easy. Perhaps my resistance to getting quiet, or "becoming mindful" as the experts call it, is partly caused by fear. I say I want to be open to real change and to make room for new things in my life; but now I wonder - what I'll have to give up to do that? Organizing my files was easy by comparison.

But my other problem is that I don't really know how to meditate. I need to do some research. I found this simple, short video, titled What is Mindfulness? The benefits are impressive enough that I want to keep pursuing this.

I also found these 20 practical tips for meditation beginners at zenhabits.com - some of which directly address the issues I've been struggling with, such as:

#5) Notice frustrations creep up on you. This is very common for beginners as we think "hey, what am I doing here" or "why can't I just quiet my damn mind already." When this happens, really focus in on your breath and let the frustrated feelings go.
#16) Do NOT stress. This may be the most important tip for beginners, and the hardest to implement. NO matter what happens during your meditation practice, do not stress about it. This includes being nervous before meditating and angry afterwards. Meditation is what it s, and just do the best you can at the time.

Hey, according to these tips, I'm not alone!

For the second half of the month I'm going to be more deliberate about this meditation stuff as well as look for other ways to be mindful and thoughtful throughout my day. Hopefully I'll have something more meaningful to share in my next post, so please stick with me and check back.

My month of contemplation has unwanted side effect

2011-03-08T08:43:00.000-06:00

Introspection is making me sleepy

One week into my new theme and my pronouncement is: March stinks. Even though I had high hopes for getting quiet, centered and introspective, I just can't wrap my mind around this theme. I was sure that if I calmed down, tuned out all the noise, and paid attention to my feelings and conscience I'd discover - well, some sort of enlightenment or higher purpose. I've cut out the TV and news and excess internet surfing. Instead I've been reading and journaling and attempting to meditate and all I feel is .... sleepy. I can't keep my eyes open.

It's weird. Normally I bolt out of bed at 5:00 a.m. (I'm the mother of a swimmer, we have early wake-up calls), pound three cups of coffee and hit my day running. But this week, I've been letting my kid fend for himself, sleeping past my alarm, even taking afternoon naps - something I've never been able to do if I tried.

You know, all this quiet and contemplation might be leading me to one earth-shattering epiphany after all. I haven't been getting enough sleep!

Sleep deprivation has serious health risks, especially for women. According to a recent WebMD article, lack of sleep is linked to hypertension, Type 2 diabetes, weight gain and depression. Women are more susceptible to these problems, probably because of our hormones. Maybe it's not such a bad thing that I've been conking out so much.

Even though I'm disappointed with my progress, I'm going to stick with this month's theme. I still hold out hope for some deep revelations or ah ha moments, which I'll be delighted to share the minute they occur.

But for now, I'm going back to bed.

March Goal: Pay attention to what matters, whatever the hell that is

2011-03-03T10:37:00.000-06:00

This looks like an awesome book.
Hope I find time to read it.

This year I'm creating my own midlife crisis. The big 5-0 is a couple years off and it's stirring up a lot of anxiety. I figure it's better to be proactive and have some fun with this phase of life rather than join a commune or run off with my personal trainer. So each month I'm dealing with a different theme. In January I came to terms with my changing body, February was about clearing out the clutter in my life to make room for the new me. This month, March, I'm going to tackle clearing out my mind. It's going to be a big effort, because I am so damn distracted all the time.

It doesn't help that the very place I work (my desk) is a Pandora's box of distraction. I'll sit down to write and my phone rings, or I check my email and shoot off a few quick responses, then someone comments on my blog and I need to publish it, or I get sidetracked by cute kitty videos or Charlie Sheen's latest rants. Before I know it, an hour has gone by and I've forgotten what I was writing about to begin with. It's very upsetting. Sometimes I have such a hard time focusing I feel like I'm disabled.

I'm not alone. This multitasking and constant interruption has become a national epidemic. In her book, Distracted, Maggie Jackson writes:

Nearly a third of workers say they’re too busy and interrupted to process or reflect on the work they do, according to the Families and Work Institute. High levels of interruptions also are related to stress, frustration, even lowered creativity, studies from Harvard Business School and the University of California/Irvine show. Intriguingly, people who multitask most often are less able to focus on what’s important than those who multitask rarely, one new study shows. The veteran jugglers are “suckers for irrelevancy,” according to Stanford’s Clifford Nass.

The loss of creativity and being a "sucker for irrelevancy" resonates with me. Technology is a powerful, amazing resource, but it can also be a seductive outlet for our weaknesses in character. I can procrastinate like a pro in the name of researching an article. But I can't just blame Google. My lack of concentration also has something to do with my hormones.

Lately I've had trouble sleeping - I wake drenched in sweat or my mind starts mind racing with all the things I have to do the next day. In the morning I'm cranky and exhausted which all affects my ability to focus. According to the Wall Street Journal, for women my age, the likely cause of these symptoms is the lead-up to menopause.

One of the first things to go is often a good night's sleep. That alone would make someone edgy, irritable and exhausted. But then come heart palpitations, difficulty recalling familiar words, loss of sex drive, mood swings and anxiety.

Women who encounter these symptoms in their 30s and 40s are often prescribed sleeping pills, tranquilizers, anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medications.

Yet all of these symptoms and more—migraines, joint and muscle pain, dry skin, thinning hair, weight gain and digestive problems—can be due to fluctuating levels of the hormones estrogen and progesterone that start as many as 10 years before menopause. - Melinda Beck, Wall Street Journal 10/12/10

Oh great, I've got all that to look forward to as well? Well screw it. Whether the cause of my mental skittishness is technology, biology or a character flaw, I've had enough! This month I'm going to do what I can to get quiet, go inward, and focus on what really matters to me - once I figure out what that is.

Frankly, I don't exactly know how I'll proceed on this quest - I checked out a stack of books from the library that I'm eager to delve into. But here are my first steps.

1. Limit time on the computer. I will write, I will check email, I will sign off. No surfing, gawking, or idle investigations.

2. No TV. My habit is to tune out in front of the TV around 8 or 9pm. I'm so tired (from my lack of sleep) it's about all I have energy for. But most of what I watch is drivel. No TV in March. NONE.

3. No News. My morning ritual is coffee and the Tribune. This morning I read about a man who froze to death in his own home, and I can't get over it. I think it's important as a writer and a citizen to be informed of what's going on in the world, but in a month where I'm trying to get quiet and focused, it has to go.

I'm eager to hear if any of you are suffering from the same trouble with concentration, and especially your recommendations about how to deal with it.

But for now, my post is written and I'm outta here.

Lessons from a Month of Organizing

2011-03-01T10:10:00.000-06:00

I dedicated February to clearing out the junk and clutter in my life - both literally and figuratively. Here's a quick summary of what I learned. It's in list form, because...

Pics like these are for inspiration only.

I love lists! They're efficient and satisfying. Writing something down is the first step to making it real. I use lists everywhere - my weekly dinner menu is posted in the kitchen. My daily to-do list is handy and portable. My monthly goals are on the white board on the wall behind me. I love crossing off items off as I accomplish them. Lists, lists, lists!
Getting organized is easy - staying organized is the real challenge. You have to develop new habits and devote time to them. Despite my enthusiasm, my new shredder and fireproof safe sat in their boxes on my office floor for two weeks. I finally set them up yesterday, the last day of the month and my deadline for this project. Which leads me to #3...
Shredding is addictive. There's a motor and a loud noise and lots of confetti at the end. I likey.
Organizing can be a form of procrastination. I missed a very important deadline while immersed in color-coding my sock drawer and printing labels for my files. Make sure the sorting and cleaning isn't an excuse to avoid more important tasks, or people might get very mad at you.
An orderly environment reduces stress and increases productivity. It's a real pleasure to work in a clean and organized space. You aren't distracted or bothered and can get right to work. Ah.
It's OK to get rid of good stuff. Many organizations are dying to get hold of your unwanted goods, so don't feel guilty about letting them go. Keep a laundry basket on each floor for donations, and the minute you doubt an item's value or purpose - stick it in there!
Even Oprah yearns for less. Imagine how beautiful Oprah's belongings must be, but still, they weigh her down. "My life is filled with so much clutter," she says in her March O Magazine. "I'm not just cleaning out my closet, I'm cleaning out my life. And I'm keeping only that which delights me or enhances my well-being." Me too, Oprah!
Develop discriminating taste. This experience has made me really picky about what I buy, what I do, and who I do it with. For example, I've completely quit what used to be one of my favorite pastimes - recreational shopping. I don't want to waste the time, money or energy on stuff that isn't fabulous or essential. I've even dropped tennis for the time being. It was beginning to feel like a job. It isn't easy letting things go, but deciding and choosing what you really want makes everything more delicious.

Only celery colored cosmetics allowed!

Perfectionism isn't practical. The Martha Stewart photos I've shown here are inspiring, but not realistic. There are lots of organizing tips and systems out there. Use what's helpful and jettison what isn't working for you (including this advice.) For example, I've decided the label maker is a pain!
Celebrate Success. I've made a lot of progress this month. My office, my calendar, and my closet are wonderfully improved. I actually know what I'm making for dinner for the next three nights and the ingredients are in the fridge. All of this is huge progress, and I feel free, calm and clear. And excited about what's to come. I hope my family is benefitting from this too.

However, as I transition to a new topic in March, I have some regrets. There's so much more I'd hoped to explore and accomplish. I wanted to discuss our emotional attachments to our stuff, how invested we are in our daily habits and how all of these things prevent us from really experiencing our lives. I also really wanted to tackle the basement. Alas, February is a short month, and - since I've done my calendar planning - I must move on.

Please check back soon. In February we cut the clutter, but as I continue to create my midlife crisis, March is going to be about cutting the chatter. Life is just too damn distracting! It's time to get quiet, focus, and follow our intuition.

A Lazy Mom's Meal Planning Guide

2011-02-24T10:49:00.001-06:00

For many years my day job has been a stay-at-home mom, so you'd think I'd have developed some superlative housewifery skills over time. Not so. I adore my kids, hubby and home, but I have no affection for many of my job requirements. Cleaning, ugh. Gardening, why? Sewing - oh, come on! But the unavoidable task that makes me break out in hives each day at 4 p.m. is preparing the evening meal.

"What's for dinner?" asks my ravenous swimmer, the moment I pick him up from practice.

"It's a surprise!" I chirp brightly, covering up the fact that I don't have a freaking clue.

A lot of my mom friends stress out over what to make for dinner too. Feeding offspring is THE #1 responsibility of motherhood, right? But with our crazy schedules, it isn't easy to have a hot, nutritious, tasty meal ready to go during the few precious minutes all my family members are actually present.

When I talked with professional organizer Colleen Collins Josellis, I asked her how she handled meal planning for her family.

"I always say I'd be great mom if I didn't have to make dinner," she laughs. But of course she's on top of it. Here are her secrets.

1) Use a limited repertoire of meals.
Unless cooking is your passion, forget experimenting with new recipes. Busy moms should rely on a rotating menu of meals that are easy to prepare, easy to shop for, and that the kids will eat. "90% of the battle is knowing what to make," says Colleen. "I've narrowed it down to about 10-12 meals."

2) Plan dinners for the entire week.
Put the menu on your calendar and post it in your kitchen. Then everyone knows what to expect at mealtime and might even be willing to help cook it! And don't worry about your kids getting bored of eating the same foods. According to Colleen, "Kids don't require as much variety as you might think. They love routine and knowing Tuesday is taco night."

3) Minimize shopping trips.
I'm always running to the Jewel at the last minute - a habit Colleen says is a big time waster. By planning ahead and making a single list, you can be much more efficient when you hit the grocery store. She allocates time for one big grocery shop and one visit to a specialty store (i.e Costco, Trader Joe's, etc) per week.

I'm trying to implement Colleen's system. I asked Nick and Emma to make a list of their favorite dinner entrees, then I edited their list based on ease of preparation. My repertoire now contains seven basic meals (hey, we eat out a couple nights a week) and the menus are all stored in one convenient place - my head!

Here's what I'll be making for dinner over the next month. If your family has some favorites that are simple and delish, please share them and I'll consider them for next month. But keep them under 5-6 ingredients - my memory is limited!

Killeen Rotating Dinner Menu

(serve with veggie of choice )

1. Grilled Flank Steak -marinate 6-8 hours in equal parts olive oil, soy and lemon juice. Add garlic & seasonings. (We like oregano and pepper!)

2. California Turkey Burgers - top with jack cheese, lettuce, tomato, onion & avacado.

3. Oven Baked Salmon topped one of two ways: 1) mayonnaise and dill (kids like this best), or 2) chopped onion, tomato, lemon and capers.

5. One Pot Pasta Primavera - Cook pasta as directed, then throw in a few cups of cut up veggies (we like broccoli, zucchini, & tomatoes) midway through the boil. Drain, stir in olive oil and cottage cheese. Top with herbs & Parmesan. Only one dish to clean!

4. Barbeque Pulled Pork on buns - put 2 pork tenderloins in a crock pot and cover with a bottle of BBQ sauce and a bottle of chili sauce. Cook on low all day until it falls apart.

6. Grilled Cheese and Tomato Soup - my personal favorite, no recipe required.

7. Chicken Pasta Caesar Salad - If you're a slacker like me, buy the prepared salad kit then toss in cooked chicken, rotini and tomatoes. (We're having this tonight.)

The Devil wants you to shop - the evils of owning too much mediocre junk

2011-02-23T16:13:00.000-06:00

Daniel's idea of a good storage area.

My brilliant writer friend Daniel just moved into a new house and is in serious purge mode, dumping crates of belongings and selling his entire cd and movie script collections online for cheap.

Whoa, this is some impressive and decisive clearing out!

Since I'm looking for inspiration to cut the clutter myself, I asked Daniel what's going on in his mind as he casts off these intimate objects that surely had meaning and purpose at one point.

Here are his feelings about his stuff:

"It's exactly like this. They say "good is the enemy of great." 95% or more of everything we own is not truly great, inspired, and essential. In tossing boxes and boxes of stuff yesterday, I found a note from my daughter, in little kid writing. It said "I love you, daddy. Forever & ever! I will never not love you!!!"

The things that are most essential lose their power if they're just one of hundreds of okay things we own.

Gluttony is not just about food. It's about stuff. We need to put our homes on a diet. The more junk you toss the lighter and more free you feel. If I were The Devil I would love and encourage mindless consumption and clutter."

I recently cleaned out my closet, evaluating each item by asking these questions: Do I love it? Does it have a purpose? Does it have meaning? Does it represent who I want to be? Daniel uses a more visceral sorting system.

"No joke, like a great big pussy man, I get in touch with my feelings, and go through boxes, looking at items. If they have personal resonance or emotional charge - vacation photos, gifts, things we bought traveling, I keep em based on how they make me feel. If they stir nothing they must go. Not only do I not feel bad about losing junk, I feel like good riddance. I wish I could burn the wicked mediocre stuff as it is wicked and vile and blocking all that matters most.

I figured this out before my move. While studying martial art I would often walk into the dojo which literally means "place of enlightenment" and instantly solve a problem I'd been stressed over. I'm convinced it was because the dojo is empty except for a few sacred objects."

Way to go, Dan! If I had any lingering doubts or guilt about getting rid of things that are only so-so, you've blown them straight to the dumpster. Surrounding ourselves with meaningless objects is sinful. I can't turn my home into a dojo, but I can make room for what really matters, as well as new experiences and ideas and creativity and light. And I'm going to teach my kids to do the same!

Pure evil.

If only I can convince my daughter that her Ugly Doll collection is possessed by demons.

11 Things I Learned from Cleaning Out My Closet

2011-02-18T13:04:00.015-06:00

I actually will wear all of these things.

I've been goofing around, telling myself that sorting my purse and washing my car are worthy organization projects. But finally I've tackled my clothes closet, and man was it worth it.

I followed my organizing guru Colleen's instructions:

Put all like items together (i.e. jeans, sweaters, etc.)
Edit ruthlessly according to these three criteria: 1) Does it have purpose, 2) is it meaningful, 3) do I love it? In honor of my midlife crisis, I also added this one - Does it represent the me I want to become?
Get rid of anything that didn't meet at least one of the criteria.
Organize the keepers

The organizing was a cake walk compared to the torture of editing. Each piece that didn't measure up felt like a failure. But I did it. I took every single t-shirt, every shoe, every skirt, every belt out of my closet and determined if it merited a place in my new life. So many things didn't.

The process was like therapy. Not only did I learn how to set up a workable closet - I learned some surprising things about myself. If you're like me, here are 11 things you can expect from cleaning out your closet.

You'll feel fat. Trying on every article of clothing you own is daunting. After the first 15 minutes of wriggling and fastening and tugging and inspecting, I felt so blubbery, I had to go weigh myself to make sure I hadn't gained five pounds since breakfast. I hadn't, but, ugh.
You'll feel stupid. Why did I spend so much money on that Elie Tahari jacket that I never wear because it's as itchy as burlap? Why do I own seven black cardigan sweaters? Facing the evidence of poor decisions and wasted money is sickening. At one point I found myself moaning.
You'll have changed. My black mini skirt is not only too small, it's ridiculous. I had some really good times wearing it, but for many reasons, skirts that short don't have a place in my future. Sigh. Goodbye mini-skirt wearing me.
You'll confront your life. I actually have some nice clothes but I rarely wear them because I never go anywhere that requires dressing up. "I need to go more fun places!" I wailed to my 14 year-old daughter, Emma. "Why don't you call your girlfriends and go have coffee?" she suggested. Which I thought was funny because, sweetie, I need to go someplace a lot more exciting than Starbucks.
You'll need a good friend. Certain items paralyzed me. Should I keep the expensive Teri Jon evening suit that's perfect for the black tie business functions I never attend? What about the flowy leopard print tunic - is it sexy or scary? I ended up making a "maybe" pile, then asked my friend Lisa to go through it with me. With her help, I was able to make the tough calls. The suit stays because it looks good and serves a specific purpose - the tunic is out. Thanks Lisa!
You'll need an entire day. You will, just trust me.
You'll get on a roll. As I got into a rhythm, the decisions got easier. I had no trouble getting rid of anything itchy or binding, turtlenecks (very sweltering during hot flashes), anything dull brown or wide striped, and all capris and dingy white tees.
You'll feel better in heels. I tried on everything wearing heels or boots. Honey, if it doesn't make the cut when you're three inches taller, it's out!
You'll want new hangers. Once you've edited, hang up everything you can. Hanging garments are easier to see and stay unwrinkled. I hung almost all my street clothes - even t-shirts. It's very satisfying to have a closet full of clothes you feel good about displayed on matching hangers. I bought a box of 50 velvety space saving hangers at Costco and they are awesome! Nothing slips off these streamlined babies - I wish I'd bought another box.
You'll organize your way. There are many opinions about the best way to organize your closet. Some experts advise grouping your clothes by outfit; others say to put all similar colors together. I decided to sort mine by type of garment - all tanks in one area, all jackets in another, etc - and I mixed up the colors so they'd stand out from one another (helps with my ongoing vision problem.) I also put several plastic shoe boxes in my deep lingerie and sock drawers so I could subdivide them. Now all my panties are in one place. I love it.
You'll feel great. I'm telling you, I am basking in the afterglow of my organized closet. I feel so productive, so virtuous, so clean! I arranged for a charity to pick up my discards and I have not a single regret about the six bags of stuff I donated. Getting dressed is more fun now, and - because I like everything and can see it - I actually feel like I have more clothes.

Clothes for donation, ready for pick up.

So don't procrastinate like I did. Go forth, my Forty Fabulous friends, and confront your closet! You'll feel fantastic when it's done, I promise.

Organizing Finances & Files - What to keep, what to shred

2011-02-17T12:02:00.001-06:00

Kelley Long, Financial Coach

I'm in charge of most of the day-to-day finances in our household and I'm ashamed to say I kind of suck at it. Staying on top of the influx of statements and receipts and bills and filing is a tedious chore that I dread.

I've already learned from organizer Colleen Collins Josellis that I need to allocate more time to paperwork, which is certainly helping. But I've turned to Kelley Long, a Financial Coach and CPA, for expert advice on what to do with all of those financial documents once they hit my desk.

When it comes to getting organized, no area can be more intimidating and nerve-wracking than your finances. Kelley, who works primarily with women, says "It can be very emotional; clients are often fearful and embarrassed about what they don't know."

Unfortunately, staying in the dark doesn't make the issues go away. "They'll only stress you out more later," says Kelley, "so it's better to face the initial pain and take control." Kelly helps her clients get a grip on their finances so they can assess their situation and begin taking steps toward where they want to be.

Here are her answers to some of my most pressing questions.

What documents do I need to keep and for how long?
Kelley offers these guidelines:

Receipts - at least until they've cleared your credit card or bank statement; longer for return or warranty purposes.
Monthly Bills - at least until they show as paid the next month. If you want to compare, keep up to a year on file. Longer if you use a home office deduction.
Pay stubs - until receive W-2.
Bank & Credit Card Statements - 2 years
Investments & Life Insurance - Keep monthly statement until you receive quarterly, quarterly until you receive annual. Keep annual statements for the life of account.
Tax Returns & Supporting Documents - 7 years
Home or condo paperwork & documentation of improvements/repairs - as long as you own home.

I don't have room in my desk for all those files!
Only keep your current files in your workspace (last 12 months.) The older files should be boxed, labeled and put in the basement or accessible storage area.

Do I need to rent a safety deposit box? And what documents should go in it?
"Forever" documents like birth certificates, passports, Social Security card, Marriage license, Divorce decree, Will, Trust, Power of Attorney, transcripts and diplomas should be kept either in a safety deposit box or a fireproof safe in your home.

Can I just recycle my old statements and bills?
No! I've seen very well-dressed people digging through my dumpster on trash day. To protect against identity theft, it's important to shred any account information that has your identifying information on it (name and address.) You can recycle the shreds.

Are there some things I don't need to hang onto?
There's no reason to keep user manuals or stock and mutual fund prospectuses because they're all available online now. As for warrantees, it depends on the item and if it's worth the hassle to get it fixed.

After talking with Kelley I have a much better understanding of how to organize my files. Now armed with my labeler, my three inboxes, my shredder and fireproof safe (from Target, where else?) I am ready to assume control of my household finances!

But Kelley had one last piece of advice, the same she gives to all her clients.

"I tell everyone who is beginning a new organizing system to take it easy on themselves. It's a big change, like going on a diet. Don't feel bad the first time you slip up, just get back on track."

Note: Kelley works with her clients on a session basis; she doesn't sell products or collect commissions. She lives in Chicago can be reached at her website: kelleyclong.com.

Other related posts:
http://fortyfabulous.blogspot.com/2011/02/expert-tips-to-organize-your-time.html
http://fortyfabulous.blogspot.com/2011/02/paperwork-filing-and-bills-oh-my.html

Oprah Mistakenly claims March is De-Clutter Your Life Month

2011-02-14T15:05:00.000-06:00

O Magazine's March issue -
a bit behind Forty Fabulous

I just received my copy of the March O Magazine in the mail and was shocked to see the lead story - De-Clutter Your Life! - Say Goodbye to the Stuff that's Weighing you Down. I'm glad Oprah considers this subject as important as I do, but I feel like we should have coordinated better. Girlfriend, February is "Time to Clear Out Month" here at Forty Fabulous.

Sheesh, could it be any clearer that I should become the next Oprah? (Or at least write for the magazine.)

Hey O, if you need an idea for a future issue, I'll be devoting Forty Fabulous to Intuition and Introspection in March. But for now, I'm going back to cleaning out my junk drawer.

Organizing Pick Me Up - Purge the Purse

2011-02-14T11:51:00.003-06:00

Over the last few days I've lost my enthusiasm for this organization project. I've tackled my calendar, paperwork, and am working on my filing system (more on this soon) but I have yet to get going on the clutter. I just dread opening those closet and cabinet doors and dealing with all the icky junk that lurks there.

But I have vowed to free myself of all unnecessary, irrelevant items this month, and damn it I will! So I started with a very small container of junk - my handbag.

A purse is a very personal expression and every woman has different requirements of the bag she carries. Some women change their bag as often as they change shoes, but I am not a switcher. I carry the same bag day in and day out for an entire season. I like my purse to have the following characteristics:

Even a small mess can cause big stress.

1. Big enough straps so I can swing it over my shoulder with one arm.
2. A neutral, go-with-everything color.
3. Main compartment opens with a single zipper, buckle or snap - no multiple fasteners.
4. Opens wide so I can see all the contents without rummaging around.

I am very happy with my current purse - a black Hobo brand shoulder bag that I bought at Nordstom Rack for about $140. I think my style is discontinued, but it's similar to the Hobo Paulina line which is part of their current collection. Excellent handles!

I'm getting off track here - back to organization. You can see from the above picture that even my compact purse contained way too much junk. I had old receipts, about nine bucks in loose change, expired coupons, tattered business cards, candy wrappers, two bottles of nail polish, three pens, four lipsticks, and an unopened bottle of eyedrops - all of which were either unnecessary or duplicates. It was a mess in there!

After a mere 11 industrious minutes I had pared my purse down to the following contents -

Wallet with ID, credit cards, debit card, health insurance card, business cards, and grocery store member cards.
$60 in cash + 8 quarters for parking meters.
One lipstick (okay, two)
Reading glasses, mini flashlight (I can't see!)
iPhone + headphones
Notepad and pen
Keys

I assigned each object a specific (and hopefully permanent) place. Then I did a little online research and found this helpful article on Squawkfox which told me I was missing a few critical items. So I added -

My son's allergy medication (He's allergic to walnuts, my benadryl had expired.)
Emergency contact information - my husband's work and cell phone number
Roadside assistance card - in case I get locked out of car!

Other items I think are practical to carry are address labels (so you don't have to hand write personal information on forms) and a travelers cheque for emergency cash. Also, if your purse is large enough, carrying a light scarf is handy - it's a versatile extra layer that allows you to adapt to changing temps, disguise a stain, or switch up your look.

With my newly organized purse, I feel lighter and more efficient already - and ready to tackle the bigger projects. I CAN get organized, I know I can!

What other things do you think are essential to carry in your bag? Please share.

Paperwork, Filing, and Bills, Oh My!

2011-02-11T12:24:00.005-06:00

Next to our schedules, professional organizer Colleen Collins Josellis says that the area that causes us the most stress is managing our paperwork. On the day Colleen visited me, I needed to pay my bills and oh, how I dreaded the task. I knew it would take hours of sorting and reading and filing.

My bills were somewhere in here.

Colleen took one look at my basket and stacks of paper and said, "You need a triage system. You probably don't even know where your bills are."

She instructed me to go out and buy three stacking letter boxes and a label maker.

"What do I need the label maker for?" I asked.

"Everything!" she said.

The first things to label were the three inboxes - To Pay, To Do, and To File. Colleen told me I needed to sort my incoming mail and papers daily into those three slots. Then I should schedule short windows of time once or twice a week to actually handle the paperwork.

After Colleen left, I headed to Office Depot and bought the file boxes and labeler. Then I came home and slogged through four weeks of mail and a two month backlog of filing. It took me over three hours, but here's what it looked like afterward.

This looks manageable

Even though I hadn't filed or paid a single item yet, it seemed much more manageable and friendly. Most of all that paper needed no action other than to be recycled.

To the recycling bin with you!

When I finally sat down to pay my bills, you know what? It took about 15 minutes! My "To Pay" slot was empty and I felt very virtuous. I immediately pulled up my calendar on my screen and scheduled more time for paperwork later that week. So far, I'm a week and a half in to my new triage system and the benefits are huge. I know where everything is, I know where I stand, and my credenza is neat and tidy.

Of course, with all that paperwork comes another stressor - the need for a filing system. Join me on Monday when a new expert, financial coach Kelley Long, tells us what keep, where to keep it, and for how long.

Calendar Update!

I'm trying to stick to the time I allocate for all my activities, including writing, which I'm finding really tough. I know this post would be much better written, wittier, and more useful if I spent more time on it. Arrgh. It probably isn't even grammatically correct. But I'm trying to write more frequently and can only do that if I write faster. So, it is what it is now. And I'm on to my next task!

We interrupt this program for some S-E-X

2011-02-10T18:31:00.001-06:00

I'm still getting organized, but want to share this post I wrote for another fabulous website. In a way it's a triumph of efficiency, since I used some of my material from my Sex & the Suburbs column in a new way for Valentines Day.

This was originally posted over at The Succulent Wife (see link below.) How great of a name is that?

4 Things I Learned From my Job as a Sex Columnist

Read more: http://www.thesucculentwife.com/4-things-i-learned-from-my-job-as-a-sex-columnist/#ixzz1DbcEYCOI

Although my 17 year-old son calls me a “Sexpert”, I’m definitely not one. I have no special sex training or credentials. But, during the last year of writing my column, “Sex & the Suburbs ” for MakeItBetter.net, I’ve interviewed many people who really are experts in the areas of sex, sensuality and relationships and I’ve learned a thing or two along the way.

I’d like to share these tidbits of wisdom with you – just in time for Valentine’s Day.

1. When Mama’s Happy, Everybody’s Happy
Honey, here’s the good news. Being sexy is all about YOU. Women are often so busy trying to please everybody else, we lose touch with our own bodies and what brings us pleasure. Pamela Madsen, the author of the provocative new book, Shameless, says we deserve it.

“Women don’t have to earn the right to have pleasure in life. We don’t have to lose three pounds, or jog, or take out the garbage, or get a raise. We’re all entitled to have pleasure, just the way we are! And when we finally figure that out, pleasure can transform our lives,” she says.

Instead of planning a romantic evening around your man, plan it around you. Do you want an hour alone in the bathroom to primp? Do you want oysters and champagne and a foot massage? Set it up, girl! Ask for it. Your sweetie will find nothing more seductive than a woman who knows what she wants and expects to get it.

2. New Stuff is Hot Stuff
According to Licensed Family and Marriage Counselor David Klow, “Familiarity is the enemy of eroticism.” If you’re in a long-term relationship, it’s important to shake things up once in a while.

Cheryl Sloane, owner of Chicago’s sexy G Boutique for women, urges, “Try one little thing that may create change. It will enhance all parts of your relationship.” Her feminine shop (and website) is chock full of fun products to sample: lingerie, sex toys, lubes and literature.

But sometimes a change of venue is all it takes. One of my favorite date nights is a “sleep under.” For the price of a meal at a good restaurant you can catch a last minute deal at a boutique hotel, spend a few memorable hours there, and be home in time to pay the babysitter. Who needs to eat?

3. Good Sex is Good For You
Maintaining a good sex life with your partner has lasting benefits. It helps your relationship and makes you feel positive about yourself and life.

Psychiatrist and marriage counselor Art Nielsen says, “All of the dynamics of a relationship—power, play, control, trust, love—are active in the bedroom. If the sex is good, you feel good about the marriage.” On the flip side, many of the couples he sees in therapy haven’t had sex in a long time.

Dr. Todd Newberger, an internist agrees. “Physical intimacy is an enormous part of healthy adult relationships,” he says. “It helps people maintain closeness and feel young and vibrant.” And there are real health benefits as well. “If the equipment is being used, it is likely to keep performing well.”

4. Spontaneity is Overrated
It’s nice to think that you and your guy will passionately fall into one another’s’ arms, but most couples benefit from a little planning and anticipation. Whether it’s Valentine’s Day, your anniversary, or next Wednesday at noon, take the time to plan a romantic encounter and remember to spice it up with something different that appeals to you.

Expert Tips to Organize Your Time

2011-02-09T16:20:00.150-06:00

TIME to get organized!

This month I'm getting organized; making room for the exciting transformation I hope my midlife crisis will deliver. Who knows? The new me might wear peasant skirts and tap shoes. The new me might need a recording studio or a pilates reformer or an herb garden. I've got to get rid of the stuff that doesn't represent me anymore so these new, cool possessions have a place.

But, according to my organizing guru, Colleen Collins Josellis, getting organized isn't about the stuff or even the system, it's about the schedule.

"People need time to manage their lives and their things," she says. Yes, Colleen helps people clean out their closets and organize their files, but her goal is to teach them to do it themselves. And it all starts with the calendar.

Professional organizer Colleen Collins Josellis
at my messy desk.

Women our age, especially women who work in or from home, are bombarded with requests for their time.

"We often give away our own personal time to the lowest bidder. You have to protect it like a junk yard dog," says Colleen. "You have to be vigilant about not letting appointments and responsibilities into your life that don't serve you. No one else will do it for you - they're all out there waiting to sign you up."

Here are some of Colleen's tips for managing your time - which will help get a handle on the clutter throughout your life.

1. Make your calendar your best friend. You don't need a fancy system, just one that you'll use consistently. It might even be a hybrid of online and paper. Colleen recommends allocating 20 minutes/ two times a week to keep it up to date and comprehensive.

2. Schedule time for to-dos as well as to-bes. Don't just put the places you need to go on your calendar, make time for all the things you need to do. For example, if you're invited to a party, you should allocate time for buying the hostess gift and making the appetizer as well as attending the event itself. Once you assign time to all the things you want to accomplish, you'll know if you really can handle chairing that committee or not.

3. Break down the biggies. Our lives are so busy and scattered, we often don't have big blocks of time to devote to complex projects. That's okay! Colleen's advice is to tackle the project in stages by booking small pockets of time on your calendar - say 30 minutes. Before you know it, the garage will be clean, the photos will be sorted - and a lot sooner than if you waited to have a free weekend to do it.

4. Don't be surprised by your life. Review your calendar and prepare yourself and your family for the week ahead. Is it manageable? If the answer is no, get rid of things! Colleen and her husband do this Monday at 11:15am at a local cafe. They discuss their work schedules, their four sons' sporting events - even plan what's for dinner. If the week is crazy, they'll warn the kids and enlist their help. Then everyone knows what to expect.

5. Forget about perfection. "Perfectionists struggle most with organization," says Colleen. "If they can't do it perfectly, they won't do it at all." Colleen tries to help her clients see that living in the middle is fine. "My house isn't perfect, but that's not my goal," she says. "I want it to be functional and fun. Being caught up the majority of the time is good enough."

6. Don't book every minute. You need free time and so do your kids. The goal is to keep your baseline life manageable, so you can handle the inevitable curveballs without everything falling apart.

I'm starting to implement Colleen's recommendations, and it's been enlightening. Instead of writing out my daily to-do list and hoping for the best, I assign start and end times to the tasks. Usually my to-do list has far too many items to squeeze into a single day, so I have to prioritize, find short cuts, reschedule or change my expectations. The whole process is very empowering, because now I can actually accomplish what I set out to do.

Unfortunately, the time I've allocated to writing this blog entry has now expired. So get out your calendar and book a time to check back here on Friday when we'll discuss the next big source of anxiety - managing paperwork, bills, and filing.

Time to Clear Out - Making Room for My MidLife Crisis

2011-02-05T09:23:00.002-06:00

Welcome to February! If you live in Chicago, you're still digging out from the blizzard of the century, but here at FortyFabulous we're beginning a clean-up of a different sort. This month's theme is all about getting rid of the stuff that weighs us down - the clothes, the objects, the paperwork, the time commitments, the assumptions.

If it's going to be a year of meaningful change, I need to create room for my crisis! And that means approaching my daily life differently.

"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." - Albert Einstein

I'm really excited, because I found the best expert to help me tackle the task - Colleen Collins Josellis, owner of Organized Chaos. She started her business six years ago when she went through something of a midlife crisis herself. She'd had a long career as a clinical social worker, then taken time off to raise for her four boys, now 16, 14, 11 and 11 (yes, twins.) Once the twins hit first grade, she needed to return to work, but wanted to be home for her sons after school.

"I carved out some time for self analysis," Colleen tells me. "I asked myself - what do I do well? How can I use my strengths to earn enough money and still have the flexibility I want?" Since she'd been organizing people for free all her life, doing it professionally was the natural next step.

I met with Colleen on February 1, the morning before the storm hit. This chick is so passionate about organizing it's absolutely invigorating. In an hour and 15 minutes, she gave me so much powerful, actionable information that it's going to take me a couple posts to share it all with you.

But here's the surprising starting point when it comes to organization. It's not how you handle your stuff. It's how you handle your TIME.

"Schedules are like closets," says Colleen. "Most disorganization comes from poor time management."

We're going to talk about this concept more in my next post, and please stay with me. Getting organized may sound dry and boring, but it's one of the most uplifting, thrilling things you can do for yourself, and unlike a diet or a budget - the results are immediate.

That's why Colleen loves her job. "When you start getting organized, it goes to other parts of your lives immediately. After I've worked with them, my clients are so happy! We're hugging and crying, they're so excited. It's wonderful to have a job that energizes you."

I've already started implementing Colleen's tips on how to effectively manage my calendar, paperwork, meal planning and belongings, so check back soon. February is gonna be a great month. I'm making room for a new me!

My Rant on Weight: Skinny Bitch, Fat Ass and Everywhere in Between

2011-02-02T14:52:00.004-06:00

How'd she do it? She ate less.

I've been blogging about body issues all month and I've barely mentioned the biggie - WEIGHT. Why? Because I'm so enlightened about the importance of health and inner beauty that my weight is no longer of concern to me. I've risen above it.

HA!

Of course I care about my weight - I think about it all the time. It influences how I feel about myself on a daily basis. Does this make me shallow or vain? Have I been victimized by the unrealistic body images portrayed in the media?

I'm going to get a cookie and think about that.

The answer is - No! I'm not a misguided dupe. Weight matters to me and probably to you too. Most of us are obsessed with weight for very good reason. We know we need to lose some, and that we'd feel much happier and healthier if we did.

Being at a healthy body weight is so important for women our age. It is one of the single biggest factors in maintaining our joints and heart, and can significantly reduce the risk of type 2 diabetes and some cancers. But also, it feels damn good to be fit. Everything is easier and more fun - from climbing stairs to choosing an outfit in the morning.

I'm not talking about looking like a Hollywood starlet. Celebs look amazing on camera, but it's surprising how slight and insubstantial some appear in person. A few years ago I went to a taping of the Oprah Show and saw actress Patricia Heaton, who played the "average" mom on Everybody Loves Raymond. She was so tiny I could have encircled her delicate ankle with my thumb and middle finger.

I don't blame the stars for being extremely thin. They're like jockeys and wrestlers; to succeed in their chosen profession their bodies have to weigh a certain amount and they'll do what it take to get them there.With all the fasting, cleansing and exercising, I wonder how some of the waifs have energy to lift their heads from the pillow each morning.

But there's a lot of working room between the average woman and the average movie star. The latest government stats are sobering - over half of all American women are overweight or obese. To stave what has become an epidemic, the USDA and Department of Health and Human Services have issued some new dietary guidelines. Their basic advice: don't eat so much.

Wow, that's simple. Don't consume more calories than your body needs. The tough part is that our calorie requirement goes down as we get older, which is why we women over 40 have a harder time keeping off the pounds. (Click here for tips to lose weight after 40.)

How much should we weigh? I checked the ideal weight chart at thirdage.com, and I think the range is valid for me. When I felt my absolute best I was toward the bottom end - right now I'm pushing the ceiling. I'm still in the zone, but it doesn't feel or look nearly as good.

So, what to do? There's so much - too much - information out there about weight loss. There are diet books and websites and spiritual weight loss guides and exercise programs and supplements. Jennifer Hudson lost 80 pounds on Weight Watchers; Valerie Bertinelli lost 40 on Jenny Craig. It's daunting.

It helps to know that it all boils down to this - to lose weight I have to consume fewer calories. Exercise is great and has physical and emotional benefits in it's own right, but weight loss is about reducing intake. To burn off the two cookies I just ate, I'd have to jog for a half an hour. It would have been much easier not to eat them to begin with!

So, today, as I wrap up a month of writing about the body, I'm going back to the only tool that has ever worked for me - a Food Journal. I'm returning to the plan I used successfully two years ago and shoot for 1600-1700 calories a day while making sure I eat plenty of fruits, veggies, milk and yogurt (for calcium!)

There are yummy treats on offer everywhere - it's easy to just eat without really thinking about what I'm doing. But starting right now, I'm going to at least be conscious of what I consume. I'm gonna write down every single thing I put in my mouth - even those damn cookies.

Magnifying mirror on the wall, you're the fairest gift of all

2011-01-28T08:42:00.001-06:00

My favorite Christmas gift has turned out to be a very practical fixture in my bathroom -my wall mounted magnifying makeup mirror. It may not be as romantic as jewelry or perfume, or as luxurious as a cashmere sweater but oh, the problems it has solved for me.

Because now I can see! I've been grappling with my midlife crisis vision quandary. I can't see far without my contacts and I can't see near with them in. It has made everyday grooming tasks like flossing my teeth, plucking my eyebrows and putting on make up a challenge.

In the past, merely applying mascara was guesswork. I'd have to squint and contort myself over the sink to make sure I'd got the wand somewhere near the vicinity of my eyelashes.

But now, thanks to my adjustable, versatile mirror, I can see every little detail on my face - every hair, every blemish, every pore, every line - at any angle. It's not all pretty, man, but at least I can see it!

Perhaps you've noticed a change in my appearance? A sudden absence of sprouting whiskers, food particles and raccoon eyes? It's all because of my beloved mirror, mirror on the wall.

Restoration Hardware has a nice collection of wall mounted and free standing magnifying mirrors that range in price from $89 - $200. A bit of an investment, but ever so worth it. And if you wait for their sale, you can get at least 20% off.

PS - I've also pictured a handy way to store jewelry, using a votive candelabra. You can drape it with necklaces and bangles and put earrings in the votive cup holders. I bought mine a couple years ago at Target.

Picturing Perfect Breasts

2011-01-27T07:28:00.001-06:00

The site of mammogram #2

The universe has clearly been messing with me. In a month when I've been focusing on dealing with my changing body, I received a wake up call that put the issue in perspective.

Last week I went to get my annual mammogram, which is always a little stressful, because my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer 12 years ago (she has been cancer free since then.) To compensate for the worry, I book my mammogram at the center at Nordstrom so I can treat myself to a little shopping afterward.

Anyway, my mammogram was routine, or so I thought, until I received the test results online the next day, which included this ominous news.

In the left breast, question is raised of a focal asymmetry in the far
posterior central breast as seen on the MLO image only. This is seen
overlying the pectoralis muscle and could relate to overlap of normal
structures.

IMPRESSION:
Questioned asymmetry in the central left breast, as above. Additional
imaging, which may include ultrasound, is recommended.

My doctor confirmed that the "asymmetry" in my left breast required follow up, but she didn't seem to be very concerned. I made the appointment at Evanston Hospital and vowed to only think positive thoughts.

My breasts are definitely not as full or perky as they once were - but for the next six days I began to think about them in a whole new way. I studied them in the mirror, all whole and natural and smooth and unscathed. "You're perfect," I told them, "I will never insult you again."

I dressed them up, wearing my nicest, frilliest bras - the zebra print, the red lace one. They deserved it! I closed my eyes and visualized my boobs as filled with golden light. I focused on my left breast, trying to feel it from the inside out. "Asymetrical, humph" I grumbled, "You're just a little bigger." I planned a fun weekend- we got Bulls tickets, I had a massage.

But six days turned out to be a long time to stay positive. Dark thoughts would flit across my mind. I knew all too well from my mom's experience what breast cancer treatment would mean. It was rough and it was scary and it was damn inconvenient. I have plans! I'm in a show, we're going on vacation, I have work!

Not to mention the fear of that death thing. And my children growing up without a mother. And the stress it would place on my poor husband. And - argh! Back to the golden light-filled tits. I was sure nothing was wrong!

"I'm scared." I confided to my husband.

"I know," he said. "But get the test and we'll take it from there."

Without saying a word, he rearranged his schedule so he could work from home. Just in case.

Yesterday, At the breast health center at the hospital, the nice technologist showed me my films and pointed out a small dark spot.

"Here's what we're going to take another look at," she said. "It could be nothing, but we want to be sure."

She took a few new shots of my flattened left breast and took them off to the radiologist.

"The doctor wants to proceed to the ultrasound, but isn't that concerned."

Despite no one being very concerned, my heart pounded like a jackhammer and sweat dripped from my deodorant free armpits. I anxiously scanned the doctor's face while she scanned my chest.

"Do you see anything?"

She turned off the machine and looked at me.

"Nothing." she said. "You're fine. It's just a blood vessel. Come back in a year."

Oh the relief! I wanted to burst into song.

In the changing room I texted my husband, my mother and two friends, "I'm fine!" Of course I was; I knew it all along.

But I did learn a couple things from the experience.

First, medical tests suck, even when no one is all that "concerned."
Second, I have a new perspective about my minor health issues. Hot flashes, declining vision, vitamin D deficiency? Shoot, honey, those are the natural, piddly consequences of living to middle age. Get over yourself and stop whining.
Third, my body is freaking awesome, and I am going to fully appreciate it.

And now, my breasts, my blood vessels and I are off to have a great day.

Treat your body to something hot and steamy

2011-01-25T21:06:00.000-06:00

The view from inside
my steam shower.

I didn't have to look far for my latest body treatment, it's been in my bathroom all along. The steam shower.

I've never used the steam function in our walk-in shower; it just seemed like a hassle. Who has time in the morning? And in the evening the last thing I want to do is get all sweaty and have to redry my hair. But now that I'm getting physical, flipping the switch and hopping in my shower seemed worth a try.

I placed a towel on the tile bench seat, sat down and took a few deep breaths of hot, moist air. The gloomy stillness made me feel a little anxious. I mean, when I take a shower I'm very task oriented - lathering, rinsing, exfoliating, shaving. Here in the same glassed-in stall, there was nothing to do except breathe and feel really naked.

I also felt a little lonely. I don't know if it was caused by the elemental nature of the steam, but I had this primal urge to be surrounded by women from my ancestral tribe. Do the Welsh people have a tradition of steambaths? I wondered. I grabbed a bottle of conditioner, worked a big dollop through my hair and felt immediately better. I was multi-tasking! I leaned back and closed my eyes and let the steam do it's thing.

After about 15 minutes I was slick with sweat, my face was flushed, and my heart began to thump. I'd had enough. I turned on the shower and the contrast of the cool water to the cloying steam was deliciously refreshing.

After I toweled off and slipped into my pajamas, I felt warm and rosy and clean. And I must say, my skin glowed.

I liked how I felt so much, I've steamed a couple times more (Dr. Andrew Weil author of 8 Weeks to Optimum Health recommends three time a week.) To combat boredom I browse catalogues and old magazines - things that I'm just about ready to toss, because they do get soggy in there. I also shave my legs, because the steam allows for a really close shave.

I did a little digging and discovered there are many benefits to steam bathing, such as:

1. Flushes toxins from the body
2. Relaxes muscles and joints - recovery from a workout, help with arthritis
3. Clears out sinus and helps with respiratory problems
4. Great for the skin - opens the pores, cleanses, increases circulation
5. Relieves stress

My husband has a few other ideas about how our steam shower could be used for maximum enjoyment, but I think you get the idea. The bottom line is this - getting naked, hot and steamy is good for you!

Note: If you don't have access to a steam room, a soak in the bathtub has many of the same benefits.

Shameless Author Makes Case for Pleasure

2011-01-22T17:00:00.000-06:00

Note: This is a story I wrote for my Sex & the Suburbs column over at Makeitbetter.net. It fits very well with January's theme of the BODY. Oh boy, does it ever.

In Pamela Madsen’s new book, the 40-something mother of two tells the story of her mid-life journey to find sexual fulfillment—all while staying happily married to her long-time husband.

Her desire to explore her sensuality, highlighted in "Shameless: How I Ditched the Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure...and Somehow Got Home in Time To Cook Dinner," wasn’t a criticism of her marriage; it was something she felt she needed to do for herself.

“Our sex life was just fine, thank you very much.” Madsen says in a recent phone interview. “I loved my husband, my family, my children, my life. But my libido was pounding on the door, and I didn’t know what to do.”

Sacred Intimacy and Raspberries
Madsen dipped deep into her desires through the help of healers, workshops, and therapeutic sessions in a little-known area called Sacred Intimacy (SI). Devotees of SI consider it to be a sexual path to the self, using techniques like erotic massage, visualization and ritual to help clients heal wounds from the past and find wholeness and fulfillment.

One of Madsen’s tamer sessions with her “intimate,” a gay man named Marcus, involved frozen raspberries—a treat that she wasn't allowed as a child because her mother said she was too chubby to deserve “good” food. Read the book for specifics, but after two hours with Marcus and the forbidden fruit, the author felt beautiful, gratified, and very worthy of berries in her future.

Sexy and Size 14
Madsen’s detailed and brutally honest account of her exploits is outrageous, shocking and hilarious. She certainly blows away societal expectations of how a size-14, middle-aged woman married to her high school sweetheart should behave. What Pamela Madsen wants to communicate is that everyone—regardless of size, shape or age—is entitled to pleasure.

“Women don’t have to earn the right to have pleasure in life. We don’t have to lose three pounds, or weigh a certain amount, or jog, or take out the garbage, or get a raise. We’re all entitled to have pleasure, just the way we are! And when we finally figure that out, pleasure can transform our lives.”

Madsen says her journey has helped her find sexual, personal and spiritual wholeness and made her a better wife, mother and friend. And when her game is on, she feels like the hottest thing in the world.

To read the rest of the article over at Makeitbetter, click here.

Crash Course in Nutrition for Women over 40

2011-01-20T16:02:00.003-06:00

It's time to adjust my intake of these.

I met Dr. T*, a red hot mama nutritionist with a PhD and an undercover blog, at a holiday party in December. It was perfect timing because I'd just received the lab reports from my recent physical exam and I was in need of a dietary tune up.

Hearing my internist utter the words "high cholesterol"and "vitamin deficiency" and "medication," had been strangely surreal. Could she mean those dreary conditions applied to me?

Next thing you know I'll be carrying my teeth in a cup and wearing Depends. No wonder I'm having a midlife crisis.

Luckily, the lovely Dr. T - who radiates fitness and health -agreed to help me make sense of my issues, which are pretty common for women over 40.

High Cholesterol
The fact that my bad cholesterol (LDL) has been creeping up is probably related to my hot flashes. Dr. T says that bad cholesterol is likely to rise in women as they approach menopause and estrogen levels decline. She also says that LDL is only one risk factor for heart disease and others, like heredity, can be of greater concern. Still, says Dr. T, there's no reason to live with high cholesterol.

"Cholesterol is easy to fix," says Dr. T. " We know so much about it." Her recommendations to reduce the waxy, wicked stuff are:

Eat a diet that's high in fiber and low in saturated fat
Eat more frequent, smaller meals throughout the day
Include protein in every meal
Exercise!

She also recommends foods that contain cholesterol-blocking phytosterols like Benecol margarine. If you want to read why these steps are important, check our Dr. T's blog post on the subject.

Making changes like these can significantly lower cholesterol for some, but if it still stays high, Dr. T says we shouldn't hesitate to medicate. "Get on the drugs! They prevent heart disease and we know they work."

Vitamin D Dilemma
Vitamin D is essential to maintaining healthy bones and may lower cholesterol and reduce the risk of cancer. Unfortunately, other than fatty fish like salmon and mackerel, few foods contain much vitamin D. The biggest natural source is sunlight, which means most of us in Northern climates are deficient for part of the year. But there're conflicting opinions about how much vitamin D we really need.

My doctor says that my level of 18 falls seriously short of the goal of 41 and I should take a 5000 IU daily supplement. According to Dr. T, that's overkill. She says current research indicates that a level of 20+ is fine, and 600 IU's of vitamin D is enough. Dr. T is not a proponent of mega-doses of vitamins.

Yum. Chock full o' Vitamin D.

Dr. T's own vitamin D level was once as low as 12, so now she takes a 1000 IU supplement 3 times a week once the weather turns cold enough to require a coat. In the summer, she does nothing except go outside for 15-20 minutes without sunscreen. I've started taking 1000 IU's daily and hopefully, that's enough!

Calcium Crunch
Both my doc and Dr. T agree that women need to get enough calcium, preferably through four daily servings of low fat dairy products like yogurt and skim milk. Calcium promotes strong bones and has a whole bunch of other health benefits. Ugh, I'm not a milk drinker, but I'm trying because I'm only 5'3" and don't want to get any shorter! Dr. T isn't a milk drinker either, but she follows a low acid diet, exercises regularly, and takes a supplement instead.

One Glass or Two?
My doctor disapproves of one of my favorite indulgences - having a couple glasses of wine. She said anything more that a single 5oz glass of wine, six times per week, elevates my risk for breast cancer - a frightening thought. Hoping there had been some new research to the contrary, I asked Dr. T - "What about wine?"

"I'm a big fan, " she said.

She went on to acknowledge that yes, anything over the recommended amount does elevate the risk of cancer, but that increase is small. "There are things you can do to greatly decrease your risk, like eat right and exercise." she said. "I choose to do those things then not feel badly if I have a second glass of wine." I like her attitude!

If you do nothing else...
All this information can be confusing, but if we do nothing else, Dr. T says we should take these simple, effective steps to stay healthy.

1. Eat more vegetables.
2. Eat fewer processed foods.
3. Weight Train at least 20 minutes/3 times a week
4. Take a multi vitamin

Really, how hard is that?

*Note: Mrs./Dr. T blogs under a pseudonym so she can express her unbiased opinions without creating professional conflicts.

Reiki Rocks! My first energy healing experience.

2011-01-17T15:26:00.001-06:00

Here at Forty Fabulous, January is the month of the body, and this week I tried something new for mine - Reiki.

I knew nothing about Reiki. I mean I'd heard of it; I knew it was something about energy healing and chakras. But I didn't know how a session was conducted, what it would feel like, or what the benefits would be. I didn't know anyone who had experienced it, or certainly anyone who could perform it. Or so I thought.

After asking around (on Facebook, of course), I discovered a dozen friends who had all had great experiences with Reiki and three women right in my own neighborhood who are certified practitioners. Two are women I've known for years. It's amazing how when you tune into something new, you discover it's all around you.

Reiki felt like this at times.

A friend called to tell me about Laurie Goldstein, describing her as filled with light. Actually, I think she said, "Laurie is light."

Laurie (who really is a luminous person) knew nothing about Reiki until a few years ago when she felt an irresistible calling to learn about energy healing. Now a highly qualified practitioner, she is just beginning to expand her practice beyond her family and friends. And she was willing to do a session with me.

Walking over to Laurie's house through the snow, I was both excited and nervous. I really hoped Reiki wasn't going to be weird or embarrassing. Despite my desire to live life to the fullest, I can be kind of uptight.

Here's how the session went.

And also like this.

After chatting a bit with Laurie, I lay on my back on a massage table in her living room. I wore comfortable workout clothes. Laurie stood by my head for a few minutes and she asked me to focus on my intention for the session.

"What's an appropriate intention for Reiki?" I asked. "Should it be something about my health or mental state? I can't ask for ten million dollars, right?"

Laurie kind of shrugged. "My intention for a session is always that it is for the client's highest good. You can ask for that or something more specific."

What I really want is to be creative, courageous and find my purpose in life. But that seemed like a lot to ask for, so I decided my intention would be to be open to the experience.

For the next hour, Laurie placed her hands lightly on different parts of my body - my head, my eyes, my throat, my abdomen, my back. It sounds like the most boring treatment ever, but amazingly, it wasn't. I felt stuff! I really could feel energy traveling through me and it was unlike anything I've felt before.

At times I felt waves passing through me, which I guess is what you might expect. But I also felt a slow, rumbling sensation - kind of a cross between a mild earthquake and your stomach growling. Sometimes I just tingled. Once, I felt distinct pressure on my leg, which was startling, because Laurie's hands were clearly on my collarbone.

I was only uncomfortable once, when Laurie rested her hands on my solar plexus. Although I knew she was applying almost no pressure, the feeling became so intense and weighty I didn't know if I'd be able to stand it. Later, Laurie told me that area, the third chakra, governs things like purpose and personal power - which certainly related to my original intention.

The hour was up before I knew it and I sat up feeling refreshed, relaxed and curious. What the hell had just happened to me? Laurie couldn't say exactly. Every person experiences Reiki differently and each time can bring something new. Some people don't feel a thing during the session. But even if you don't, Laurie says it still works.

"Reiki energy has it's own intelligence. It always goes to the places it's most needed and it can't do any harm," she told me.

Another friend, Sherri Simpson, was certified over 10 years ago when she lived in Japan (where Reiki originated) with her husband and children. She has primarily used Reiki for herself and family and describes it as "a very powerful presence in my life."

Sherri has used the energy in a wide variety of ways - from alleviating the pain of her sons' scraped knees to giving comfort and peace to her dying uncle. She says Reiki provides healing, can have a calming and soothing effect, and can be a very emotional experience. Sherri is grateful she's been able to offer this comfort to people in her life.

"The process of giving Reiki is healing for the giver, "she said. "It's a great opportunity to give; it's a beautiful thing."

After just one hour of energy healing, it's not like my life is transformed. But I felt wonderful during and after my session with Laurie - clear, positive, invigorated. I definitely believe there was a transfer of energy; the sensations I had were undoubtably real.

So my first take is - Reiki rocks! I'm definitely going to learn more about it and try it again soon.

If you'd like to learn more about Reiki, click here.

Marriage 101 - A real education in Marriage

2011-01-11T08:58:00.001-06:00

While it's a bit of a departure from this month's BODY theme, here's an excerpt from an article I wrote for MakeitBetter.net on Marriage.

One of the most popular classes at Northwestern doesn’t prepare students for grad school or a career; it teaches them to succeed at something much more important: marriage.

The class, titled Marriage 101: Building Loving and Lasting Relationships, is a for-credit course taught byDr. Arthur C. Nielsen, a psychiatrist and associate professor at Northwestern’s Feinberg School of Medicine.

According to Nielsen, college is the perfect time to learn about marriage. Students are forming serious relationships, but they aren’t married yet.

Nielsen feels it’s crucial for partners to understand what makes a marriage work before they commit. In his practice, he sees couples with such longstanding patterns of negativity it’s difficult to regain trust. His own first marriage ended in divorce after only a few years, and he wants to help other people avoid making similar painful mistakes.

Click here to read the full piece.